I know of a woman in her late 30s who was a virgin and had never had a boyfriend. She is pretty and intelligent, but quite naive, and unable to perceive when a guy was interested (unless the guy said "i am attracted to you) in which case she would find a reason (excuse) not to like him back ("he has a belly", "i dont like the way he dresses" ("he is not artistic enough"). In more than one occasion, when visiting her parents, she bursted into tears and pretty much held then responsible for her lack of a romantic life.

I think she recently got a boyfriend and she seems happier. I don't kniw if she sees that as having long-term potential and as a "get this over with" situation.

I would assume that that person either had some serious issues (like abuse or deep-seated insecurity) or they were very religious. None of those scenarios would appeal to me very much. Also, I've had issues in the past with less-experienced partners getting very jealous that I've had more partners (I'm 41 and have always been single, so yes, there have been more than 1, but nothing too crazy) and that was a turn-off. I would assume a virgin would be more likely to be jealous of my past.

What do we consider a long-term serious relationship, though? I know quite a few normal people who haven't been in a long-term relationship in a long time because they haven't met someone worthy of it in a long time. I haven't had a boyfriend since I had my daughter 5 years ago, because when you have 5-day-a-week custody, there's not much time to weed through the potentials for a partner. I would love to be married or have a serious boyfriend, but guys who could make me happy long-term don't cross my path every day. It's not always under your control who you meet. (and some of us would rather be single than with someone who isn't long-term potential, or who doesn't add to our happiness.)

Anonymous wrote:I am not convinced that having had previous relationships will necessarily mean that the person is capable of having a sound relationship.

This is the flawed logic I see in American society that leads to divorces, adultery and dishonesty.

The fact that sex is so devalued and seen so much as a bodily function that it is neither a promise of fidelity nor an expression of love and commitment.

You didn't answer the question.

I am not convinced that having had previous relationships will necessarily mean that the person is capable of having a sound relationship.

This is the flawed logic I see in American society that leads to divorces, adultery and dishonesty.

The fact that sex is so devalued and seen so much as a bodily function that it is neither a promise of fidelity nor an expression of love and commitment.

A virgin at 30, no

Anonymous wrote:Yes -- depending on the guy. My brother, a Physicist, was in this boat. He did meet a wonderful woman (who had been married before and could appreciate all that he had to offer). She took the lead in the relationship. They have been married 15 years, two kids, and are very happy. Physicists are usually late bloomers...if they ever really bloom at all.

I agree. Some people are just late bloomers and all it takes is for the other person to take the lead in the relationship for a while.

Yes -- depending on the guy. My brother, a Physicist, was in this boat. He did meet a wonderful woman (who had been married before and could appreciate all that he had to offer). She took the lead in the relationship. They have been married 15 years, two kids, and are very happy. Physicists are usually late bloomers...if they ever really bloom at all.

Interesting viewpoints. Would NPs mind to indicate if they are male or female? Would be interesting to see if gender influences general trend in opinions...

Anonymous wrote:No previous relationship or sex would make me think that person has a lot of issues, and/or is fine with asexuality.

This. It would be a major red flag.

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who's in her late 30s, a virgin and never had a boyfriend.. she's very good-looking (when we were younger she could have been rightfully called a knockout), comes from a good family, is well-educated, and has so many 'issues' that her virginity/boyfriend-ness do not surprise me anymore.

So, OP, my answer is no.

What types of issues?

No. I once slept with a man who'd only ever slept with his ex wife. He knew plain vanilla only and wasn't skilled. If sex doesn't matter much in the context of the overall relationship to you, and your communication skills are good, expertise can be taught, but only if the virgin is open to learning.

No. I can think of no reasons for a person to be a virgin in their late thirties that would let them be compatible with me.

Sure. I would regard it as a reason to be cautious and I'd take things slowly. But I wouldn't categorically discard someone over this if everything else worked between us.

I say this assuming virgin-by-circumstance. It would be a problem if he was a virgin because he didn't believe in sex before marriage. That would indicate a huge difference in our values, and one we are unlikely to overcome. I'm a big fan of premarital sex if you can get it.

No. Nooooo.

No previous relationship or sex would make me think that person has a lot of issues, and/or is fine with asexuality.