Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Fuck you.

no fuck you, it's the truth.

Here is the thing, Children have needs. They can not take care of themselves. Dealing with cancer does not change the children's needs. A 2 yo has diapers to change. A 4 yo needs help getting dressed. A ten yo may need help getting food for herself. They can not drive themselves places.

When I am dealing with treatment, usually, my sister comes in to help. My wife and my sister split the activities -- one will be there for DD, and one will be there for me. Most of the time, I do not need help, but sometimes, I have needed help at the same time DD needed help. Now that DD is approaching middle school, things may be different.

Anonymous wrote:OP was he holding down the fort at home, looking after the kids, cooking meals, running the household, working full time?

If he was doing all that he may have thought he was being very supportive.

It is important to realize that he is human too, and has limits and vulnerabilities and not everyone becomes superman/woman when their souse gets sick. Some just plug along as mere mortals trying to keep everything together and managing as best they could. Having a spouse with cancer can also take a huge toll on the carer's mental health yet they can't say anything or ever complain or be depressed, anxious etc because well...you have cancer and that trumps all. They have to be strong for you, there for you,and put their own needs aside. Sure some people could take over all the household and childcare responsibilities, and still work full time and make to everyone of your appointments, and know when you need them to hold your hand and anticipate your very need and meet it before you ask, but not being able to be THAT person doesn't mean he wasn't supportive.

No he was not running the household. I still was until I was I finally broke down and then he sent for my parents, who I don't like to accept help from. His job always came first. The kids had spring break, I couldn't drive due to all the chemo my brain was in a fog like I was intoxicated. I was scared to watch them but he said I could handle it. I did. He would watch them at night and put them to bed. But if he could have someone else help me during the day he would gladly accept. I did not expect him at every appointment I just wanted him to take some time off for me. It was always felt like a burden if he couldn't get to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Fuck you.

no fuck you, it's the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

+100

absolutely-no comparison at all. The kids still need their needs met-nothing changes there-but on top of their normal needs are their fears of what is happening, the stress of one spouse taking on both roles, the needs of the patient...how can someone with no children even think it is the same for them as it would be for a parent? I had an amazing spouse but with three kids under 10, we were both spent. However, there is no greater motivator that your children to get well. Best to all!

OP was he holding down the fort at home, looking after the kids, cooking meals, running the household, working full time?

If he was doing all that he may have thought he was being very supportive.

It is important to realize that he is human too, and has limits and vulnerabilities and not everyone becomes superman/woman when their souse gets sick. Some just plug along as mere mortals trying to keep everything together and managing as best they could. Having a spouse with cancer can also take a huge toll on the carer's mental health yet they can't say anything or ever complain or be depressed, anxious etc because well...you have cancer and that trumps all. They have to be strong for you, there for you,and put their own needs aside. Sure some people could take over all the household and childcare responsibilities, and still work full time and make to everyone of your appointments, and know when you need them to hold your hand and anticipate your very need and meet it before you ask, but not being able to be THAT person doesn't mean he wasn't supportive.

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

+100

Anonymous wrote:I felt my DH was there for the most part. But wanted me to rely on others to take me to chemo and radiation. He went to my surgeries and one chemo and one radiation session. He would happily accept meals. We had two young children at the time. He sent for my parents, who I always hate asking them for anything. Whatever friends I had that were willing to come came. I felt like I was pretty much orchestrating everything. He took maybe 4 days off for the whole thing even though he has tons of leave. He did help on the really important decisions. Was I expecting too much to have more hand holding?

I think it really varies by person. If you wanted more "hand holding" I think you should have told him that.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer (with 3 young children) and did not want a lot of hand holding. I did not have chemo so maybe I would have felt differently if I did but other than driving me to and from two surgeries and helping me the few days after each surgery when I was heavily medicated, I did not want help from my DH or anyone. No coming to doctor appointments; scheduled radiation for 7 AM so I could still walk my kids to school and didn't mention it to friends or neighbors. Maybe I am somewhat in denial but tried to keep everything the same as before.

Everyone reacts differently and I don't think you were expecting too much if that's what you needed. Good-luck.

Anonymous wrote:The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

Fuck you.

The experience of a cancer family when there are young kids and a cancer family when there are no kids is WORLDS APART. Please do not post about how wonderful your spouse was when you went through cancer, if you didn't have young kids at home. It just does not compare at all to what OP and her DH are going through.

PP here. We also had young children at the time of the cancer treatments. I was not able to attend many of my DH's treatments and scans, but did stay with him at the hospital for overnights. It was the best we could do.

Now, our kids are grown, and when we have had medical "events" recently, we stay with each other the entire time. But we don't have young kids at home anymore.

Your DH may be doing the very best he can.

Anonymous wrote:I am the spouse of a cancer survivor here.

You cannot imagine the toll this takes on the spouse. It is a surreal and psychologically challenging place for the spouse to be in, and some of us can just barely cope. We love our spouses so much, but it is very hard for us too.

The world is tuned in to the needs of the patient, as it should be, but the spouse often suffers invisibly and carries a large and silent burden.

So what did you do for your spouse?

I am the spouse of a cancer survivor here.

You cannot imagine the toll this takes on the spouse. It is a surreal and psychologically challenging place for the spouse to be in, and some of us can just barely cope. We love our spouses so much, but it is very hard for us too.

The world is tuned in to the needs of the patient, as it should be, but the spouse often suffers invisibly and carries a large and silent burden.

No you were not expecting too much OP.

As your loving husband, you had every right to expect for your husband to go way above and beyond to support and comfort you during your time of need. I am so very sorry that you feel he did not fulfill his duty as your husband during your difficult time.

I had cancer two years ago--no kids. DH went with me to my surgery and the follow up appointment where I got my diagnosis. When I had chemo he would drop me off for some of my chemo sessions and pick me up (he sat with me for the first time; my appts lasted 5-6 hours)--sometimes friends or family would take me. I had to go 5x a week and he was a contractor with no paid time off so my brother came to town to help out.

DH would do the shopping, laundry, walk the dog (unless my friends offered to do so), cook if no one brought over food(I could make eggs and oatmeal and that was it), and make me special smoothies with potassium-rich foods when I got deficient. We had a house cleaner. He was really great, even though he was kind of cranky at times.

He got really run down himself, and once I started to feel better he came down with all sorts of things from the stress.

I also watched my dad with my mother, and he took her to all her appointments and waited on her hand and foot.

I'm sorry your husband isn't doing all that he might. Everyone responds in a different way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would basically expect, both based on what I'd want and what my DH has shown in the past, that DH would drop everything and do absolutely everything for me he possibly could.

I had several serious surgeries while we were dating and I remember him standing right outside the shower with a towel open, and him getting the water at the right temp before walking me over to it, he handled all meals, got people to visit when I was bored, kept them away when I couldn't deal, bought me stupid mags to read, everything. He outsourced french-braiding my hair, but that's about it. So I would expect the same if I had cancer, with the addition of taking care of the baby.

The difference between surgeries and cancer is HUGE. With surgeries, when it is over, it is over. Cancer is really never over. And cancer treatments last a long time….So, for many spouses, it's hard to keep up the caregiving for months or years. And if there are kids involved, it's hard on everyone even more.

It is very different when you are dating and if it is a surgery that you are going to recover from.

+1. Surgery is a few weeks to a few months. Cancer is a lifetime. Scans and uncertainty