OP, I am in this exact same predicament with my DW. She is going on multiple years unemployment now, and I really think that she will never - and probably does not want - to find a job. When we married I never expected that she would not work. I supported her through grad school, paid for nannies while she studied and then started out on her career. However, after she left her last job that she had for 5 years, I have seen her engage in self sabotaging behavior that only makes it harder for her to get a job. I also think she uses being the SAHM as an excuse as to why she has no "time" to look for a job. I have posted on these boards before and been pilloried by the female class for being a "dick" and not being compassionate towards my DW. The hypocrisy on these boards is incredible. I feel for you OP. It sucks when you expect your SO to contribute financially to the family and they can't or they won't.

Who should take over the childcare, OP?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He would very possibly get custody because he has been the stay-at-home-parent and therefore the courts would see him as the nurturing parent.

This is not true in the District of Columbia. There's presumptive joint custody. Please don't give legal advice when you don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I said what I said based on what a lawyer said, but not a DC lawyer. So I do know what I'm talking about, but I should not have given the half-explanation that I did in a way that presumed it would apply to OP's circumstances.

In most, maybe all states, they *usually* award joint legal custody, but there can be exceptions, but from what OP has said I see no reason to think her case would be an exception.

What varies much more widely is how physical custody gets awarded. 50/50 is common in some places, while every-other-weekend is common in others. The lawyer who made the comment I was referring to was a VA lawyer referring to physical custody, and it also was several years ago, so I can't even say for sure it is what is common now.

How many hours a day of childcare is he doing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With so many women working men face a lot more competition in the workplace these days and a lot of men are struggling to keep up in the breadwinner role. I think there are a lot of men in your husband's situation.


That said your DH still needs to find a job. Personally I would give him an ultimatum, find a job or I'm leaving. Perhaps he needs to think about going to community college to get some new skills. Three years is a long time to go without employment. He is comfortable with the situation because he knows he has you to fall back on. Oh and I agree that you should cut any extras he has. No cell phone, no video games, etc. I wouldn't even give him gas money.

Would your advice be the same if a man was deciding whether to tell his wife who unilaterally decided to give up a high paying career to be a SAHM that he was tired of supporting her and that he was cutting off her access to money until she cut back on her social and charity calendar and started generating some serious revenue?

- Spouse who learned sometimes it's the guy who gets stuck with the second shift

Yep, I feel the same for women. If someone is going to stay home and stop contributing financially it needs to be agreed upon by BOTH parties. A woman shouldn't assume it's okay for her to stay home just because she is a woman and I sympathize with men in this situation as well.

A marriage won't work long term with one happy person and one miserable person. Eventually the miserable person is going to want out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With so many women working men face a lot more competition in the workplace these days and a lot of men are struggling to keep up in the breadwinner role. I think there are a lot of men in your husband's situation.


That said your DH still needs to find a job. Personally I would give him an ultimatum, find a job or I'm leaving. Perhaps he needs to think about going to community college to get some new skills. Three years is a long time to go without employment. He is comfortable with the situation because he knows he has you to fall back on. Oh and I agree that you should cut any extras he has. No cell phone, no video games, etc. I wouldn't even give him gas money.

Would your advice be the same if a man was deciding whether to tell his wife who unilaterally decided to give up a high paying career to be a SAHM that he was tired of supporting her and that he was cutting off her access to money until she cut back on her social and charity calendar and started generating some serious revenue?

- Spouse who learned sometimes it's the guy who gets stuck with the second shift

absolutely yes, especially in a situation like OP's , where the family is struggling financially. in all the families I know, both spouses agreed on the wife (in one case the husband) staying home with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With so many women working men face a lot more competition in the workplace these days and a lot of men are struggling to keep up in the breadwinner role. I think there are a lot of men in your husband's situation.


That said your DH still needs to find a job. Personally I would give him an ultimatum, find a job or I'm leaving. Perhaps he needs to think about going to community college to get some new skills. Three years is a long time to go without employment. He is comfortable with the situation because he knows he has you to fall back on. Oh and I agree that you should cut any extras he has. No cell phone, no video games, etc. I wouldn't even give him gas money.

Would your advice be the same if a man was deciding whether to tell his wife who unilaterally decided to give up a high paying career to be a SAHM that he was tired of supporting her and that he was cutting off her access to money until she cut back on her social and charity calendar and started generating some serious revenue?

- Spouse who learned sometimes it's the guy who gets stuck with the second shift

Not that poster, but yes. The key issue here is that didn't decide together that he shouldn't work. Or she. Yes, involuntary job loss happens. But sitting around when your family is financially suffering is a completely different thing.

Anonymous wrote:With so many women working men face a lot more competition in the workplace these days and a lot of men are struggling to keep up in the breadwinner role. I think there are a lot of men in your husband's situation.


That said your DH still needs to find a job. Personally I would give him an ultimatum, find a job or I'm leaving. Perhaps he needs to think about going to community college to get some new skills. Three years is a long time to go without employment. He is comfortable with the situation because he knows he has you to fall back on. Oh and I agree that you should cut any extras he has. No cell phone, no video games, etc. I wouldn't even give him gas money.

Would your advice be the same if a man was deciding whether to tell his wife who unilaterally decided to give up a high paying career to be a SAHM that he was tired of supporting her and that he was cutting off her access to money until she cut back on her social and charity calendar and started generating some serious revenue?

- Spouse who learned sometimes it's the guy who gets stuck with the second shift

With so many women working men face a lot more competition in the workplace these days and a lot of men are struggling to keep up in the breadwinner role. I think there are a lot of men in your husband's situation.


That said your DH still needs to find a job. Personally I would give him an ultimatum, find a job or I'm leaving. Perhaps he needs to think about going to community college to get some new skills. Three years is a long time to go without employment. He is comfortable with the situation because he knows he has you to fall back on. Oh and I agree that you should cut any extras he has. No cell phone, no video games, etc. I wouldn't even give him gas money.

That's right, it's not the 50s. You wanted to be everything ? Don't bitch when you don't get everything.

Your man is a bum.

I feel for both OP and her DH. But there is unemployment and then there is prolonged unemployment. I have been severely underemployed for the past 4 years. We are stretched really thin financially, and my spouse periodically shouts at me that I have to get a full time job. But it is not that easy.I apply and apply, but I am over 50 and many employers won't consider me b/c they see me as "overqualified." At the same time, for the past 3 years, I have been working part-time (25 hours/week) for a ridiculously low wage (compared to previous jobs) but at least it's something. OP, your DH need to at least get some sort of job, even if it has nothing to do with his field. Contributing even part-time income will help both your bottom line and his self-esteem. BTDT.

Anonymous wrote:I would give him an ultimatum -- marriage counseling or divorce.

Agree with this.

Personally, I wouldn't pay for extras for him like cable or cell phone or whatever his toys are, either. Car, either, really.

I would give him an ultimatum -- marriage counseling or divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Ladies, you wanted to wear the man pants, wear them.

I hear the 1950s calling for you...

I didn't work outside the home and my husband never threatened to dump me. But then I didn't sit and play pocket pool all day. Having 4 kids doesn't give you time to even brush your teeth regularly much less anything else.

I am seeing more and more young men/fathers stay home these days. Ladies, you wanted to wear the man pants, wear them.