Anonymous
Post 11/16/2013 01:59     Subject: Weird family issue.
Are you a parent? If so, I'm concerned for your children. Who is protecting them if their mother own can't see how an adult male lying in bed in his underwear with a little girl is inappropriate.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2013 00:52     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's probably hard for you to see, even as an adult now, that it was terribly inappropriate behavior on his part. If I found a college aged boy in my 9 yr old DD's bed, you bet I would kick him out! You are still looking at it from your 9 yr old self's mind. However, it is up to you how you want to proceed with him - any kind of relationship or not. You are an adult now. But try to understand where your parents were coming from back then.


NP here - very wise statement.


+2. This man's behavior was extremely inappropriate. You may not have been sexually abused, but convincing your parents otherwise is a losing proposition - if anything, I would validate their perspective re: protecting you. They absolutely did the right thing by kicking the man out.

Secondly, I am not sure why you want to have a relationship with him now. There are enough red flags that I would stay away and keep my children away.


OP, you haven't answered this: why do you even want a relationship w/ him? This doesn't sound great: he "tends to not have great boundaries," " He is kind of a touchy-feely person and I have seen him kind of make people uncomfortable," "they found him in my bed in his underwear"


Because overall he is a great guy and I like his whole family. His kids love him, and I don't know of anyone that finds him creepy. He just has a lot of energy and doesn't always know when to stop,and that at times gets on peoples nerves. He is not a reserved person, and can be impulsive but he isn't defined by those characteristics - there are many other great characteristics that he has. The being in my bed incident happened probably 30 years ago and as I said he was telling me a story - so I don't really have a creepy vibe form that. Also when I was younger my little nieces and nephews stayed over and in the morning they came and jumped into my bed. There was nothing inappropriate or sexual about it so I guess I don't necessarily have the same immediate connection that an adult and child in the same bed immediately means something sexual happened. I don't really see him often, we aren't really close but we do keep in touch.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2013 00:43     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's probably hard for you to see, even as an adult now, that it was terribly inappropriate behavior on his part. If I found a college aged boy in my 9 yr old DD's bed, you bet I would kick him out! You are still looking at it from your 9 yr old self's mind. However, it is up to you how you want to proceed with him - any kind of relationship or not. You are an adult now. But try to understand where your parents were coming from back then.


NP here - very wise statement.


+2. This man's behavior was extremely inappropriate. You may not have been sexually abused, but convincing your parents otherwise is a losing proposition - if anything, I would validate their perspective re: protecting you. They absolutely did the right thing by kicking the man out.

Secondly, I am not sure why you want to have a relationship with him now. There are enough red flags that I would stay away and keep my children away.


OP, you haven't answered this: why do you even want a relationship w/ him? This doesn't sound great: he "tends to not have great boundaries," " He is kind of a touchy-feely person and I have seen him kind of make people uncomfortable," "they found him in my bed in his underwear"
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 23:20     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.



The bolded part is a very good point. I don't know how real repressed memories are or aren't, but I do think that blocked memory or not, if something bad had happened, you would not feel comfortable around him.


OP here. That is how I feel too, that if something had happened, I would know it somehow. I am very comfortable around him, don't get any weird vibe or gut feeling. And really I have only positive associations with him, my memories of him from childhood are all good and added to my happy childhood memories.


OP, what do you think about the fact that he was snuggling up to you in just his underwear?


He wasn't snuggling up to me. He was lying in my bed telling me stories.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 23:16     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.



The bolded part is a very good point. I don't know how real repressed memories are or aren't, but I do think that blocked memory or not, if something bad had happened, you would not feel comfortable around him.


OP here. That is how I feel too, that if something had happened, I would know it somehow. I am very comfortable around him, don't get any weird vibe or gut feeling. And really I have only positive associations with him, my memories of him from childhood are all good and added to my happy childhood memories.


OP, what do you think about the fact that he was snuggling up to you in just his underwear?
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 23:07     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.



The bolded part is a very good point. I don't know how real repressed memories are or aren't, but I do think that blocked memory or not, if something bad had happened, you would not feel comfortable around him.


Unless you are psychiatrist, you can't really comment on this.


Well, as psychiatrists were involved in wrongfully convicting people on the basis of imagined "repressed memories", I would argue that psychiatrists are the very last people who should be commenting on this.

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306987710005074
http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract;jsessionid=6BA80162DF44A7C1A836097F1FEDB065.journals?fromPage=online&aid=5025616
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 22:56     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.



The bolded part is a very good point. I don't know how real repressed memories are or aren't, but I do think that blocked memory or not, if something bad had happened, you would not feel comfortable around him.


OP here. That is how I feel too, that if something had happened, I would know it somehow. I am very comfortable around him, don't get any weird vibe or gut feeling. And really I have only positive associations with him, my memories of him from childhood are all good and added to my happy childhood memories.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 22:40     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.



The bolded part is a very good point. I don't know how real repressed memories are or aren't, but I do think that blocked memory or not, if something bad had happened, you would not feel comfortable around him.


Unless you are psychiatrist, you can't really comment on this.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 22:06     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.



The bolded part is a very good point. I don't know how real repressed memories are or aren't, but I do think that blocked memory or not, if something bad had happened, you would not feel comfortable around him.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 21:32     Subject: Weird family issue.
This sounds like very creepy behavior OP. he may not have physically abused you but he definitely crossed a line. Your parents did the right thing and protected you before it could have escalated. Sounds like he was grooming you to earn your trust and friendship. Clearly it worked because 25 years later you still refuse to see how effed up his behavior was. Your desire to be in contact with him makes me worry about our mental health quite frankly.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 21:31     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:It may be that you are blocking a memory out. You may have full belief that nothing happened but in fact it did. So, decide if you really want to know and then ask your parents for real details.


This repressed memory thing is a bunch of bull. If you think nothing untoward happened, and feel comfortable around him, then almost certainly nothing did.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 20:57     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's probably hard for you to see, even as an adult now, that it was terribly inappropriate behavior on his part. If I found a college aged boy in my 9 yr old DD's bed, you bet I would kick him out! You are still looking at it from your 9 yr old self's mind. However, it is up to you how you want to proceed with him - any kind of relationship or not. You are an adult now. But try to understand where your parents were coming from back then.


NP here - very wise statement.


+2. This man's behavior was extremely inappropriate. You may not have been sexually abused, but convincing your parents otherwise is a losing proposition - if anything, I would validate their perspective re: protecting you. They absolutely did the right thing by kicking the man out.

Secondly, I am not sure why you want to have a relationship with him now. There are enough red flags that I would stay away and keep my children away.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 20:55     Subject: Weird family issue.
Anonymous wrote:Different people have different ideas about exactly where the line is between appropriate and inappropriate. My father walked about the house naked until after I had moved out of the house. I assume he still does, but he doesn't when I visit. It is what had been done in his house growing up. There was never anything sexual about it. But I can guarantee you that most people would think it was highly inappropriate for a young girl to grow up around this.

I think for this man who was not a part of your nuclear family that you had grown up with to behave as he did with a young girl (mostly naked in bed with you) would be considered inappropriate by an even higher percentage of the population than my father's nakedness. But, it is still more of an "appearance of impropriety" than anything clearly wrong happening (assuming you having blocked out the memories). There is some possibility he was "grooming" you, and also some possibility he just didn't see the problem with it. You have mentioned he is socially inept and has problems with boundaries.

I think it might be good to reach some sort of peace with your parents over this, but you know better than I whether or not peace would be the result or if it would just stir the pot. If it were me, and I decided to address it, I'd probably start out by letting them know you understand better now that you are an adult and thanking them for doing what they felt they should to protect you. Then explain that you have no memory of anything sexual, and your adult assessment of the situation is what while he really blew it in terms of appropriate boundaries, you don't believe his intent was sexual or otherwise inappropriate. Invite them to share information they may have that you don't (or at least don't remember). Then proceed from there as seems appropriate based on what they share. For your sake, I hope they won't have anything shocking to share with you, and also that they will at least be able to "agree to disagree" and let this fade into the past.


THis sounds like very sound, rational advice. I come from a culture where things that are the norm ther e(nudity) is frowned on here. I would take this poster's advice, seriously. This is one of those times that DCUM really has good advie to give.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 20:50     Subject: Weird family issue.
Why talk to your parents now? You say you have been in touch with him for 25 years. You made a decision. I can't see the point of revisiting it with your parents now.
Anonymous
Post 11/15/2013 20:47     Subject: Weird family issue.
Different people have different ideas about exactly where the line is between appropriate and inappropriate. My father walked about the house naked until after I had moved out of the house. I assume he still does, but he doesn't when I visit. It is what had been done in his house growing up. There was never anything sexual about it. But I can guarantee you that most people would think it was highly inappropriate for a young girl to grow up around this.

I think for this man who was not a part of your nuclear family that you had grown up with to behave as he did with a young girl (mostly naked in bed with you) would be considered inappropriate by an even higher percentage of the population than my father's nakedness. But, it is still more of an "appearance of impropriety" than anything clearly wrong happening (assuming you having blocked out the memories). There is some possibility he was "grooming" you, and also some possibility he just didn't see the problem with it. You have mentioned he is socially inept and has problems with boundaries.

I think it might be good to reach some sort of peace with your parents over this, but you know better than I whether or not peace would be the result or if it would just stir the pot. If it were me, and I decided to address it, I'd probably start out by letting them know you understand better now that you are an adult and thanking them for doing what they felt they should to protect you. Then explain that you have no memory of anything sexual, and your adult assessment of the situation is what while he really blew it in terms of appropriate boundaries, you don't believe his intent was sexual or otherwise inappropriate. Invite them to share information they may have that you don't (or at least don't remember). Then proceed from there as seems appropriate based on what they share. For your sake, I hope they won't have anything shocking to share with you, and also that they will at least be able to "agree to disagree" and let this fade into the past.