Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're not talking about making your child her crutch, just about a little more involvement and on your terms.

But we're making the child her crutch, her crutch for feeling blue.

DH thinks she's lonely and bored and we should use our child to make her feel better. Other than that she's not involved in child's life. We invite her to events and visit her weekly. But she never makes any effort herself. When DC was an infant she never came over to help or visit. We had to drag the baby to her house every week for visits with grandma. This continues on. She never comes over to our house, never calls, and communicates rarely and only through DH.

She babysat overnight DC exactly once. I asked her to babysit at our house over a long week-end when I was traveling. Because she's 70+ and forgets things I called in a SIL, for back-up. The child got a stomach bug right away, throwing up and fever. It was an Easter weekend and MIL spent it out, doing the church activities (leaving the sick child behind and taking the only car seat with her). SIL ended up watching the child most of the time. MIL ignored my instructions and didn't call our ped instead was giving her some random meds. I came back to a very sick child and we spent a whole week recovering from this fiasco.

Yeah, no way would I ever have MIL provide overnight care after that. Nope.

If you're seeing her weekly, I think that is plenty good enough.

You can't make her happy, that's the thing. Taking your child over more often isn't going to solve her unhappiness...she's the only one who can really solver her unhappiness.

If she is up for the level of work involved (and I feel comfortable with her ability) and if my child enjoys it then I would certainly feel fine w/ one night every other week.

I don't know about every single week, but to have a night off a couple of times a month because someone loves my kid that much? I'd be thrilled.

Anonymous wrote:How much time and effort does he spend staying in touch with her?

He sees her once a week. And never alone, always with a child. He didn't call or visit her before the child was born and she demanded it. So it's like it's a child/grandma visit, not a son/mother visit. To me it feels like supervised visitation.

Other than that we never call each other just to say hello.

Anonymous wrote:We're not talking about making your child her crutch, just about a little more involvement and on your terms.

But we're making the child her crutch, her crutch for feeling blue.

DH thinks she's lonely and bored and we should use our child to make her feel better. Other than that she's not involved in child's life. We invite her to events and visit her weekly. But she never makes any effort herself. When DC was an infant she never came over to help or visit. We had to drag the baby to her house every week for visits with grandma. This continues on. She never comes over to our house, never calls, and communicates rarely and only through DH.

She babysat overnight DC exactly once. I asked her to babysit at our house over a long week-end when I was traveling. Because she's 70+ and forgets things I called in a SIL, for back-up. The child got a stomach bug right away, throwing up and fever. It was an Easter weekend and MIL spent it out, doing the church activities (leaving the sick child behind and taking the only car seat with her). SIL ended up watching the child most of the time. MIL ignored my instructions and didn't call our ped instead was giving her some random meds. I came back to a very sick child and we spent a whole week recovering from this fiasco.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then it would be a definite no. But if she's lonely, maybe try to do dinner or something with her at least once a week. Or have her over for dinner and some time with your kid.

Are we always responsible for our relatives that are lonely? If I'm lonely, can I expect my family members come and entertain me weekly?

Your parents or dh parents, yes. Unless they abused you. My mom is widowed and if we didn't see her once a week I would feel so guilty.

And yes, if you raise your kid right, you should expect the same thing.

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my brother and I slept at our grandparent's apartment every Saturday night. Every. Saturday. Night. For years and years.
We loved it and I remember thinking that my parents must be lonely without us! It was the 70's and they were out, living it up at my uncle's restaurant.
Some of my absolute best childhood memories...staying up late to watch the Carol Burnett Show, playing checkers with my grandpa (he never let me win, so when I did it was an accomplishment), eating whatever I wanted (as long as I ate my lamb chops, baked potato and green beans for dinner), visiting the elderly spinster sisters who lived in the apartment next door, marathon monopoly games with my brother. Great days, I loved it.

+1 although the details were different.

My grandparents were a huge huge huge part of my life. I can't imagine how many hundreds or thousands of nights I spent at their homes over the years starting when I was a toddler.

My DD just spent her first weekend at my parents' home this year at age 3. She did okay the first night but then the second night was apparently tough. And yes, they spoiled her way more than I would have liked. I also think that was because it was such a big deal and that it would be much lower key if it happened more regularly.

I do think it's very dependent on the individuals involved - grandparent, parents and child. There's no one size fits all answer to this question.

Anonymous wrote:I hope both my DILs die so I can see my grandchildren.

Pretty sure this is how my MIL feels Sees her GC every week, her DS twice a week, but still hates my guts.

Unless I had a problem with the grandmother's habits/grandparenting... yes to Sleeping over sometimes...sure...
but setting up a proscribed schedule...no

Depends on your kid. My 3 y.o. would have trouble with this, and I don't think it would be good to do during the work week. Why not try it once and see? If you don't think she would be safe, that's another story.

I would do a back flip.

Anonymous wrote:I had a great time spending nights at relatives houses as a child. Yes, it did break my schedule and diet, but some things are more important than that - such as developing close relationships with people besides my parents. I truly believe this enriched my life.

+1. Some of my best childhood memories involve spending the night at relatives' houses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well assuming your MIL is like my mom and very active and involved in my kid's life and my kid absolutely adores her AND your kid is ok sleeping at her house (mine is)

Nope, my kid said "no", doesn't adore her, she's not active and barely involved.

OP, sounds like maybe she's trying to reach out and GET more involved but doesn't really understand why that particular request wouldn't work for your family. That lack of understanding does not mean she's out to control your child, or start running your lives; it probably means she just thinks that "It would be fun, it would give son and DIL some time off, it would let me see the grandkid, it's a win-win." It's probably been a long time since she had charge of a preschooler and she's probably from a generation where young kids were just told, "You're going to grandma's tonight," not consulted about how they felt.

I'm not saying she's right. I think that once a week is much too often where the kid and grandma are not already very close. Even where the family is very close and happy, once a week could be too much for many kids who need their routines.

I'm just saying you could perhaps step back a bit and think about the "why" behind this rather ham-fisted approach to trying to get to know her grandchild better. The motivation could be just fine; why not focus on that rather than on the specific request?

Then -- if you want her in your grandchild's life, and since she's your other half's mother, he gets a vote too, no? -- find other ways to incorporate her at times and ways that work for you and do not throw off your child's schedule. True, you are not responsible for her loneliness, but wouldn't it be kind to alleviate it somewhat? I don't get the person who snarkily insisted that we don't have to "provide entertainment" for lonely family members. We're not talking about making your child her crutch, just about a little more involvement and on your terms. Unless she is truly toxic and controlling in other ways, why not find a few more ways to involve her? "MIL, Child's preschool is doing a holiday concert next Friday at 11 a.m. and he's singing with his class. Grandparents are very welcome to come -- why don't you come to the preschool for it?" "MIL, we are taking Child to the park on Saturday to meet with some other families so the kids can play. Do you want to come along and see the kids all having fun?" Eventually she (and you) might be comfortable with her taking your child to get ice cream after some event or whatever.

Meanwhile: What does your husband say?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well assuming your MIL is like my mom and very active and involved in my kid's life and my kid absolutely adores her AND your kid is ok sleeping at her house (mine is)

Nope, my kid said "no", doesn't adore her, she's not active and barely involved.

Then it would be a definite no. But if she's lonely, maybe try to do dinner or something with her at least once a week. Or have her over for dinner and some time with your kid.

Definitely no. What does your DH say about his mom's situation? How much time and effort does he spend staying in touch with her? I take it you and she are not close at all?

I spent several nights with my grandparents by myself growing up. Great memories and they told the best stories. One a week is crazy, but once a month sounds fun! Go off of what your kid says and wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then it would be a definite no. But if she's lonely, maybe try to do dinner or something with her at least once a week. Or have her over for dinner and some time with your kid.

Are we always responsible for our relatives that are lonely? If I'm lonely, can I expect my family members come and entertain me weekly?

Well I have a super close family. So when my mom texts me that my dad is having a tough day (he has Parkinson's and some of the meds he's on cause some depression) I get DS if he's awake and we Skype my dad to cheer him up. Or if DS is asleep, I call my dad. Family is important to both DH and me, so if either one of us found out our mom or dad was lonely, we'd make sure to involve them in whatever way we could.