Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of great suggestions.

I think the key is just to initiate the conversation and to give explicit permission for your child to tell you if they fail or are not okay. Let them know it will be a challenge to work through but you will support them through it. Keep having this conversation every year. Encourage them to use academic and counseling services on their campus that can also offer support. Although at my college, the counseling services are so overworked that there are long waiting lists to see someone.

This post was the result of these conversations I have been having including one where I spoke with a young woman (a junior) a couple weeks ago who was failing a course. She failed because her stress and anxiety was compounding over the semester and was so high she wasn't eating or sleeping. She had never had anxiety before and didn't know what happened to her. She also didn't know how to talk about failure as she hadn't failed before. She told me she is really close to her family, talks to them multiple times a week and that her dad is basically her best friend..but that as far as they know, everything is fine, other than she is stressed about her roommate. She was having suicidal thoughts and in desperate need of support but didn't know how to start that conversation with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is important to understand several things. Parents have held the kids hands so much as they grow up and then this is the first time they are away from home and add in the stress of school without the parents help, the stress of fitting in with a new group of friends, lots of freedom, and it is a recipe for disaster for some.

Many parents encourage their kids to go to the best school because they think it is best but think about all those things I mentioned above plus add in they are trying to please you.

This culture of must be the best, go to the best school, make the most money etc is crushing them.

Think about that before pushing them to the best schools etc. When they are hurting they are very vulnerable............who knows what can or will happen then.

Sure some kids are cut out for it. Some are not. I am really ok with my kids being average-even below average is ok with me.

We and the parents we know let our kids pick the college they want to attend.

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is just to initiate the conversation and to give explicit permission for your child to tell you if they fail or are not okay. Let them know it will be a challenge to work through but you will support them through it. Keep having this conversation every year. Encourage them to use academic and counseling services on their campus that can also offer support. Although at my college, the counseling services are so overworked that there are long waiting lists to see someone.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is important to understand several things. Parents have held the kids hands so much as they grow up and then this is the first time they are away from home and add in the stress of school without the parents help, the stress of fitting in with a new group of friends, lots of freedom, and it is a recipe for disaster for some.

Many parents encourage their kids to go to the best school because they think it is best but think about all those things I mentioned above plus add in they are trying to please you.

This culture of must be the best, go to the best school, make the most money etc is crushing them.

Think about that before pushing them to the best schools etc. When they are hurting they are very vulnerable............who knows what can or will happen then.

Sure some kids are cut out for it. Some are not. I am really ok with my kids being average-even below average is ok with me.

Anonymous wrote:This is a really good reason to address potential mental health issues while kids are still at home, especially senior year. If you have any concerns about your children at all, get help NOW before they go to school. I think very often parents hope that it is all just a reflection of the pressure of applying to colleges and that once that gets settled in the spring, everything will be OK. And you may see an improvement in mood as your DC believes he is about to leave behind whatever is causing him pain. But unless you've dealt with underlying issues with a professional they will only reappear at college. And as others have pointed out, you won't be there to recognize it. If you get your DC help in high school (and set up a relationship with a therapist in college, if you think it is necessary) they will be much better equipped.

I don't think the mental health problems these kids encounter are the result of homesickness or pressure, though these are stressors that contribute. I think some of this is the timing of kids being away from home at the precise age when many problems first surface as well as the ways in which our culture has distorted things with the academic and other competition.