Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has very little to do with money and a lot to do with your husband's personality. He's controlling.

Or he's anxious which means he is fighting to feel in control of himself. Feeling in control of how the money is spent may reduce his anxiety. His intention is not to control another person, but to act in ways that reduce his own feelings of being out of control.

Yes, this is pretty spot on. Why couldn't my therapist have explained this to me years ago?

Anonymous wrote:This has very little to do with money and a lot to do with your husband's personality. He's controlling.

Or he's anxious which means he is fighting to feel in control of himself. Feeling in control of how the money is spent may reduce his anxiety. His intention is not to control another person, but to act in ways that reduce his own feelings of being out of control.

This has very little to do with money and a lot to do with your husband's personality. He's controlling.

I am like your husband and would obsess over random things. Since I know this is my personality we each get an stipend every month that covers lunches, personal clothes, books, haircuts, and random stuff either one of us wants that doesn't really fit in any of our budget categories. With this setup we never fight about money.

Anonymous wrote:We each get "blow" money each month that we can spend on whatever we like. Our is $100/month each. Starbucks would be blow money (though the coffee grinds would be grocery )

We do this too. We settled on $500 a month which covers any meals out, clothes, books, gifts, and any bigger ticket items that are purely luxury (like when we recently upgraded our iPhones). We set up separate accounts for this with their own debit cards and have a no questions asked about this money. I still think it's an absurdly high number, so I put half of mine into savings every month.

Anonymous wrote:Just because you have $2000 plus a month extra doesn't mean you have to spend it.

You're correct. But stuffing it in the bank is pretty foolish too. Diversification means just that. My husband used to put all his money in the bank and into paper investments (stock, bonds, etc.). He's realized over time, that's not enough, that it's too volatile.

Precious metals, in the form of jewelry (or bars or coins if you want to go that route) is very important as well. Last recession, even gold-filled jewelry brought in cash. You get robbed, and that little silver, gold, or platinum coin around your neck hidden under your clothing can be your only ticket home. Ditto that gold necklace - can get you a bus ticket at the least.

Real estate, land, heck, even collectibles are a good thing. Hell, I'm probably going to drop some money on a vintage Martin guitar quite soon, something I can enjoy now and pass to one of my kids later. The key is to know your markets and really understand the concept of supply and demand and look forward with that in mind. It took years for my husband to see the wisdom in this; before that, he considered all purchasing 'consumerism'. He's researched and learned as he's aged.

Spending money on a bottle of water or on Starbucks? There needs to be pleasures in life. Little things like this, I consider rewards for a hard day's work.

This exact issue broke up my friend's marriage and ruined his wife's relationship with the kids. He made a ton of money but she grew up very anxious about finances. She made everyone's life hell around her, including her own. He begged her to get help, to get marriage counseling with him to no avail. They lasted about 14 years of him being patient before it finally collapsed him.

This is not just a 'money issue'. It's an anxiety issue.

Anonymous wrote:We each get "blow" money each month that we can spend on whatever we like. Our is $100/month each. Starbucks would be blow money (though the coffee grinds would be grocery )

This is what we do too. And today I questioned my husband on his $34 purchase at Staples.

Just because you have $2000 plus a month extra doesn't mean you have to spend it.

We each get "blow" money each month that we can spend on whatever we like. Our is $100/month each. Starbucks would be blow money (though the coffee grinds would be grocery )

Anonymous wrote:My husband watches our bank account like a hawk this has been an issue since getting married. Yesterday he called me at work to demand what on earth I could have spent $18 on at Starbucks. I basically told him I was not responding, and then later after calming down from being livid said that I was going to flat out ignore questions like that, how dare he thinks controlling me like that is on the table, and how I was going to start taking out cash every week so I can buy lunch, CVS runs, etc out from under his gaze. He apologized a lot and said that with our recent home purchase he's just way more anxious and he feels out of control.

Moving forward, what would you do? Should I just get my own private bank account. this is def not the first time, just one of the more offensive ones, IMO

This is why I believe every married couple should have a joint account for bills and an individual for your own spending money. I can never live being under anyone's scrutiny and it makes me feel sane in a marriage

Psst - your DH is also upset that you invest your 401k too conservatively. He's a freak. Therapy.

Perhaps agree to have a weekly/monthly (whatever works for you guys) meeting where you go over the past week's/month's budget and plan the next week's/month's/etc budget. I can understand getting questioned out of the blue, at work, can feel hostile. I also recognize that a lot of wasteful spending happens because of "small" habits, and just because there's "enough" money doesn't mean everyone's on board with what-feels-like wasteful spending. Having a specific time set aside can allow him to feel like he understands where the money's going and it's not being flushed down the toilet, and can allow you to deal with the issues without feeling like you're being attacked.

My husband spends a silly amount of money on drinks from the convenience store, and I went round and round with him before he explained that he uses it as a reason to take a break from work and if he carries a water bottle and refills it he doesn't feel like he can take the 5 minute walk to & from the convenience store, which he values to get some breathing space and a moment to think outside the office. With that explanation, a $2 bottle of water a couple of times a day doesn't strike me as unacceptable (even if I'd still rather he get his break without spending the money). Even though we can afford $4/day on water it doesn't mean I want to spend it if we don't have to. I don't think "we can afford it" is all the justification necessary for spending. I can afford to throw a buck a day into the river and watch it float away. If I were to do that I would understand my husband wanting to know why.

I would've wanted to know what you bought for $18 at Starbucks!

My dh is a bit like this, although he never calls me out on specific purchases like that. Cash is the solution. It's your cash, spend it how you like. Work out in detail with him how much you each should take out each week and stick to it. If you come in under, put it in a special occasions envelope. Win win. Good luck.