Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to jump him on lazy mornings & free evenings & he shot you down? That sucks.

Yes. My main intimacy complaint was that he didn't initiate. He started initiating only at times that he knew were bad for me.

Was he ever a good initiator and then got tentative for some reason?

I know that, in my case, a few years of pregnancy/nursing/toddlers and her resulting libido crash made me gun shy. Even though she's more receptive now that the kids are older; I often wait for her to suggest sex or half-ass my own initiations because of the scars from those years.

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to jump him on lazy mornings & free evenings & he shot you down? That sucks.

Yes. My main intimacy complaint was that he didn't initiate. He started initiating only at times that he knew were bad for me.

Did you try to jump him on lazy mornings & free evenings & he shot you down? That sucks.

My ex used to do that: try to purposefully get frisky at bad times (e.g.: when I was running late for work or other commitments). Lazy mornings in bed or free evenings just the two of us? He conveniently wasn't in the mood then. It became a pattern and I realized that he just wanted to make me feel guilty or start a fight; he also wanted to "check the box" by invalidating my complaints that he didn't initiate sex ("I tried yesterday, but you were in such a hurry...").

He needs to initiate more often and better. "Rejection" of the sort OP describes is only a problem when the high drive partner feels like they are on a starvation diet.

"I know you're hungry, but we can't eat now. We'll eat tonight." That's fine unless he's known famine in the past and knows that sometimes dinner never comes. He'll be wondering whether this is just a missed meal or the beginning of another famine.

As for romance - romance is good if it sparks desire. But, guys have to be taught that there is a difference between the kind of romance sold to us by the greeting card industry and the kind of romance that leads to sexual interest. Dinner and flowers might make the wife feel nice but it's generally not going to make her hungry for you.

But, touching her in ways that remind her that she's a sexy woman (like the small of the back) and not just a mom, is important. And the guy can't just say "wanna do it." You have to come on to your wife with actions instead of words.

Of course, if your wife isn't attracted to you in the first place; you're out of luck anyway. Sexual touch will be unwanted groping. Nonsexual touch will be ignored. Dinners and flowers will just leave you pissed because they didn't get you laid.

I'm rambling.