Since you already hate them, why worry ?

Hugs to you, OP. And your husband. Your daughter is young, and may not mind them being absent in her life. I don't think you need to explain anything to her. Just answer questions if she asks: "Mommy, are we going to see Grandma at Christmas this year?" "No, we have other plans this year. This year we are going to......"

She may not ask anything at all.

Anonymous wrote:They likely have their own side of the story and this is not one event that led to the disinheriting. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back for them.

Let your husband decide if he want a to pursue a relationship with them. A relationship shouldn't be dependent on whether or not you are getting an inheritance.

OP here. Our relationship with them is not dependent on whether my husband gets an inheritance from them. The inheritance was mentioned just to show how much she's overreacting. I should have been clear - they are cutting us off in every way. No contact. That's not our choice. It's the added "punch" - "we will no longer speak to you and we're disinheriting you."

Anonymous wrote:"We're sorry to hear that you feel this way. Our door will always be open to you if you change your mind and want to be part of our or daughter's lives."

+1. And make sure to continue to send cards, pictures, links to videos, whatever so that they still have a way to follow their grandchild's growth even if they can't swallow their pride to contact you.

I've heard from people who finally came to the realization that they had lost a chunk of their lives due to some feud of their own concoction. The ones who still had some time during the warring years to their families (pictures, cards, etc) came out the better for it. The ones who didn't have that tie were left with more bitterness over what they had missed.

They likely have their own side of the story and this is not one event that led to the disinheriting. Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back for them.

Let your husband decide if he want a to pursue a relationship with them. A relationship shouldn't be dependent on whether or not you are getting an inheritance.

OP I think you're in a tough situation. Your DH needs to take the lead for sure. They're his parents. He needs to say that you all are sorry for forgetting, that you're not interested in the inheritance (they might run through it all anyways, inheritance is not a given) and that you thought they might care about seeing their granddaughter on the holidays. He also needs to point out that they're holding money (inheritance) over their family (granddaughter). They're being hypocritical since they blame you for missing a family member's birthday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may be on the road to dementia. Are there other siblings nearby who can check in on them?

No, my husband is an only child, but this is really "typical" of them. My FIL sued his whole family over stock many years ago, so that whole side of the family is estranged. They're just angry, spiteful people who have no room for forgiveness in their lives. The fact that they would even slightly involve my daughter is the only thing that concerns me and makes me wonder if I should get involved, despite my husband wanting to leave things alone, and let them stew as he put it.

They are his parents. He should make the call.

Anonymous wrote:If the husband is OK with letting them stew, then let him take the lead. They are his parents.

Agree

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the kind of grandparents your child should be protected from. Why give them opportunities to hurt her the way they have apparently hurt other people in the family?

That's what I think too; I guess I was wondering if I have any "duty" to ensure that she has a relationship with these people, or if I'm being an asshole for essentially in my head saying "good riddance."

No. I wish my mother had protected us from her alcoholic father and lunatic sister. I can not tell you how many holidays one of them caused a scene. And yet, there we were next holiday for a repeat performance because they are FAMILY. F&*( that noise. Tell them they know where to find you and continue your life.

If the husband is OK with letting them stew, then let him take the lead. They are his parents.

Thank you everyone, all really good advice.
I guess I was trying to think of a way to save them from themselves. I know they will regret this (not the money, the not seeing their granddaughter, she's it for them) and I was trying to find a way for them to get out of this.
Sad for them, really, that this is how they want to be.

"We're sorry to hear that you feel this way. Our door will always be open to you if you change your mind and want to be part of our or daughter's lives."

We're very close with both of our parents, but none of our 4 parents call on my birthday... they need to get over it. When you're older only your spouse celebrates your birthday.

I would express concern for their mental health. If this continues I would say "have it your way, your loss." If your husband figures you let it go, then let it go. They are his parents.

What kind of relationship does your daughter have with them now? It can't be much of one.

My god. How we regress. Life is a cycle. You are born helpless, pooping and peeing your pants. Grow a bit older and working on how to handle emotions. You grow to adults, get wiser, and mature. Then, you hit your peak, and go in reverse......except instead of being born, you die.

You've apologized and made amends as best you can. You don't want their money. It seems, dear OP, that you are no longer in conflict with your inner selves. The only source of tension is the ILs. It's their decision to act this way. It is sad, but WTF can you do? I'd say, laugh it over with your spouse.

oh, and vow not to act like this in your 80s.