Sounds like a mid life drisis to me. If nothing physical did happen, I would forget about it and move on. I think drinks with a male co-worker you're attracted to is dangerous; borrowing books he's lending you, not so much.

Anonymous wrote:She probably doesn't think it's about sex. Women are often oblivious (or allow themselves to ignore) to men's motivations. Women like the attention and/or the special consideration from the men. But, if they allow themselves to understand that the desire to have sex with them is motivating the man, they'll feel obliged to stop the guy (or possibly feel obligated to have sex with him). So, receiving the attention & not understanding his motivation is sex is the best of both worlds.

The PP, on the other hand, probably strongly suspects that the guy's motivation toward PP's wife is not entirely platonic.

PP is reading what he would be thinking if he was the male coworker. With that being said - maybe the coworker is crushing on his wife and maybe not. Not every man out there thinks along those lines. Just like only PP's wife can say what is going through her mind when she accepts another man's gifts. Maybe she likes the attention or she knows he only thinks of her in a platonic friendship way.

She probably doesn't think it's about sex. Women are often oblivious (or allow themselves to ignore) to men's motivations. Women like the attention and/or the special consideration from the men. But, if they allow themselves to understand that the desire to have sex with them is motivating the man, they'll feel obliged to stop the guy (or possibly feel obligated to have sex with him). So, receiving the attention & not understanding his motivation is sex is the best of both worlds.

The PP, on the other hand, probably strongly suspects that the guy's motivation toward PP's wife is not entirely platonic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:another woman here - not to defend the OP's wife, but would like to offer my perspective. I have been married for 8 years, my DH is a good person and an AMAZING father, not the most amazing husband but not abusive or mean spirited. Our sex life leaves a bit to be desired and I find that I'm mostly ignored both in the bedroom and otherwise. I have found myself in the midst of a office flirtation that has not become anything more than that and to be quite honest, I enjoy the banter. It's interesting, it's exciting and will it lead to sex? nope. That said, my husband is also very flirtatious by nature and flirts with women in front of me frequently, so I know that he would not be remotely bothered by my back and forth with this colleague. He's not worried about us. The only thing I actually think is suspect here is that your wife feels like she has something to apologize for. I know a lot of married people and most of the flirt, at least mildly, with other people that are not their spouses. The flirting isn't the problem. You need to dig deeper.

If it works for you and your spouse, that's cool. Just like some couples do just great with open marriages. But the default assumption in marriage is sexual fidelity. Unless there is an agreement between the couple that changes that default, flirting breaks the spirit if not the letter of that default assumption.

If you are doing something with a member of the opposite sex that you wouldn't do with a member of the same sex; chances are you are crossing a line. And it's because, at some level, sex is tied into that activity and sexual fidelity is one of the primary reasons for marriage. I think the reason that the other PP is bothered by the guy who brings his wife books is because it's something the guy almost certainly wouldn't do for another guy at the office. Meaning, at some level, it's about sex.

Not the PP but interesting about the book loaning being "about sex". Maybe the single trying to highlight that they have similar tastes. If the DW is telling her DH, I don't think she thinks it's about sex.

Anonymous wrote:another woman here - not to defend the OP's wife, but would like to offer my perspective. I have been married for 8 years, my DH is a good person and an AMAZING father, not the most amazing husband but not abusive or mean spirited. Our sex life leaves a bit to be desired and I find that I'm mostly ignored both in the bedroom and otherwise. I have found myself in the midst of a office flirtation that has not become anything more than that and to be quite honest, I enjoy the banter. It's interesting, it's exciting and will it lead to sex? nope. That said, my husband is also very flirtatious by nature and flirts with women in front of me frequently, so I know that he would not be remotely bothered by my back and forth with this colleague. He's not worried about us. The only thing I actually think is suspect here is that your wife feels like she has something to apologize for. I know a lot of married people and most of the flirt, at least mildly, with other people that are not their spouses. The flirting isn't the problem. You need to dig deeper.

If it works for you and your spouse, that's cool. Just like some couples do just great with open marriages. But the default assumption in marriage is sexual fidelity. Unless there is an agreement between the couple that changes that default, flirting breaks the spirit if not the letter of that default assumption.

If you are doing something with a member of the opposite sex that you wouldn't do with a member of the same sex; chances are you are crossing a line. And it's because, at some level, sex is tied into that activity and sexual fidelity is one of the primary reasons for marriage. I think the reason that the other PP is bothered by the guy who brings his wife books is because it's something the guy almost certainly wouldn't do for another guy at the office. Meaning, at some level, it's about sex.

Anonymous wrote:another woman here - not to defend the OP's wife, but would like to offer my perspective. I have been married for 8 years, my DH is a good person and an AMAZING father, not the most amazing husband but not abusive or mean spirited. Our sex life leaves a bit to be desired and I find that I'm mostly ignored both in the bedroom and otherwise. I have found myself in the midst of a office flirtation that has not become anything more than that and to be quite honest, I enjoy the banter. It's interesting, it's exciting and will it lead to sex? nope. That said, my husband is also very flirtatious by nature and flirts with women in front of me frequently, so I know that he would not be remotely bothered by my back and forth with this colleague. He's not worried about us. The only thing I actually think is suspect here is that your wife feels like she has something to apologize for. I know a lot of married people and most of the flirt, at least mildly, with other people that are not their spouses. The flirting isn't the problem. You need to dig deeper.

I agree with this and am in a similar situation. Would never cheat but the extra attention motivated me to hit the gym harder, adjust my diet and I'm down 10 lbs.

another woman here - not to defend the OP's wife, but would like to offer my perspective. I have been married for 8 years, my DH is a good person and an AMAZING father, not the most amazing husband but not abusive or mean spirited. Our sex life leaves a bit to be desired and I find that I'm mostly ignored both in the bedroom and otherwise. I have found myself in the midst of a office flirtation that has not become anything more than that and to be quite honest, I enjoy the banter. It's interesting, it's exciting and will it lead to sex? nope. That said, my husband is also very flirtatious by nature and flirts with women in front of me frequently, so I know that he would not be remotely bothered by my back and forth with this colleague. He's not worried about us. The only thing I actually think is suspect here is that your wife feels like she has something to apologize for. I know a lot of married people and most of the flirt, at least mildly, with other people that are not their spouses. The flirting isn't the problem. You need to dig deeper.

Whoa, there IS absolutely a difference in kind between flirting and drinks and having sex, though neither are acceptable for married people.

That said, OP's first stop should be to couples counseling - NOT a lawyer.

OP, I urge you to go with your wife to counseling. It's easy to jump to the worst and perhaps your wife did have sex with this guy, but you deserve to have some clarity before deciding whether to go through divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you're married, flirting with someone other than your spouse isn't harmless or good clean fun. It's either manipulative or it's destructive. Flirting differs from merely being friendly inasmuch as it has an underlying sexual component.

If you don't intend to have sex with the other person, flirting is manipulative -- you are using your sexuality to get something you want; whether it's attention or something more tangible. If you do intend to have sex with someone, obviously that's a betrayal.

My DW is friendly with a single male coworker and the several times I've seen them together, they do not appear " flirty". However, He is always bringing her books to read (best sellers; nothing inappropriate). i don't know why, but that bothers me. Is that flirty?

If it bothers you, talk it over with your spouse. For example, if you knew the coworker was gay, would that change your perception? Your wife isn't hiding the books so she must not think he is flirting with her. Perhaps they are just exchanging books they bought and read instead of donating the books to the library. Only your wife knows why he would be giving her books and she probably doesn't know it bothers you.

Now if she doesn't know why the coworker is giving her books, that might be a signal he might be trying to get her attention but he is so far off her radar she doesn't pick up on it. Having a discussion with her might clue her in.

Anonymous wrote:When you're married, flirting with someone other than your spouse isn't harmless or good clean fun. It's either manipulative or it's destructive. Flirting differs from merely being friendly inasmuch as it has an underlying sexual component.

If you don't intend to have sex with the other person, flirting is manipulative -- you are using your sexuality to get something you want; whether it's attention or something more tangible. If you do intend to have sex with someone, obviously that's a betrayal.

My DW is friendly with a single male coworker and the several times I've seen them together, they do not appear " flirty". However, He is always bringing her books to read (best sellers; nothing inappropriate). i don't know why, but that bothers me. Is that flirty?

Anonymous wrote:My wife started acting different in the past few months and it turns out that she was flirting with some guy at work and going out for drinks with him and his friends often after work. She also started to focus on the way that she dressed and the way that she looked at the same time and I sensed that something was different before I found texts on her phone. We've been married for about 10 years and have two kids and are both in our early 40s. She seems sorry and told me that it was a mid-life crisis and that she feels really bad about her behavior.

All things considered, I don't believe that it ever turned physical and this is not like her. Does this sound realistic or do you think that she is trying to make an excuse since she got caught?

Woman in her 40's chiming in. I think she was flattered by the other man and she liked the attention. She went out for drinks as a group, not with him exclusively so she probably justified her actions were ok at the time. Sure she was in the wrong with the texts and the drinks but don't we all have times of stupidity in our lives? Use it as a wake up call and focus on improving your relationship together.

When you're married, flirting with someone other than your spouse isn't harmless or good clean fun. It's either manipulative or it's destructive. Flirting differs from merely being friendly inasmuch as it has an underlying sexual component.

If you don't intend to have sex with the other person, flirting is manipulative -- you are using your sexuality to get something you want; whether it's attention or something more tangible. If you do intend to have sex with someone, obviously that's a betrayal.

OP, sadly, this sounds to me like damage control and I would guess that something physical happened or she would not feel the need to confess anything. Pay close attention to what she does going forward.

OP, I am absolutely positive it was no "mid-life" crisis that just happened. This is just a shoddy excuse she is using to justify her unacceptable behavior.

What she did to you was wrong. Plain & simple. She needs to be an adult and own up to what she did instead of trying to blame her actions on a crisis of some kind. She's trying to take the easy way out and weasel her way out of this as best as she can. Don't let her play you fiddle.

I think something is going on in the marriage on her end and she is not happy.
You both need a serious talk to address just what the issue is and decide if you can both work a resolution out between you.

But first, she NEEDS to admit her mistake, hold herself 100% accountable for you both to move forward.
If she can't do that, then both of you will never get anywhere....

Hope this helps.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the wife in this situation and I didn't sleep with the guy. I was having fun and the fun went further than it should have in terms of flirting over drinks after work. I'm extremely thankful for my trusting and generous husband who understood I fucked up and didn't judge me to be a lying slut, but took it for the stupid selfish mistake I made.

HA!!! You already went too far when you agreed to 1.) meet and 2.) have drinks. You also went too far earlier before you did 1 and 2. You've been flirting before this at work to even lead up to this. Had your trusting and generous husband not talk to you, you'd be posting how awesome it was to be pounded by another man outside your marriage.

He may not have judged you. But you need to take a long hard look at yourself. You could have lost everything. You still may. These things dont just go away. It'll resurface and you need to be prepared to deal with the aftermath.

Firstly, I never denied I went too far. That's exactly my point. That I did. Secondly, it was me who brought it all up with my husband. I was the one who put a break on things and decided to come clean with DH. Thirdly, even if I was pounded in the most satanically yet heavenly way by the hottest fucking guy on earth, I would never share it with you or anyone else on this forum. Fourthly, I did take a long hard look at myself. That was why I brought it up with DH. I was aware that I could have lost everything, even though nothing ever happened. And DH and I have moved on in a very positive manner. We both learned from the situation in ways that improved our relationship.

And let's face it - the discussion on this forum about whether you can be attracted to other people while being married and in love with someone, is like the discussion about god and atheism. There are those who completely believe things to be one way and believe it should be that way for everyone else just because that's what they believe. So yeah, if you have ever flirted or felt some kind of attraction for someone who is not your partner, than you're a selfish pig who doesn't even know what love is and can only think about banging everything that walks.

In response to you, I am super attracted to my DW. I don't do things at work that would lead to the idea that meeting for drinks would be a good idea. Yes, I am friendly, and I am affable to women who aren't not my wife. What do I do when there is an attractive women, like my my DW's colleague? Why, I treat her with respect and kindness. That's it. I don't make things suggestive. My wife is so trusting, she leaves us alone in the house, etc etc etc. Yes, she is very attractive, but I am respectful and dont discuss things that are "flirty." Like I won't say, "you are looking very good these days..." or anything like that. It is because I respect my relationship. All my interactions could be video recorded and I wouldnt worry one bit.

You bringing this up to DH is also a selfish act....if you think about it. Why make him suffer through this burden? Why don't you just clean up your mess and move on? Oh yeah you didn't because it was "soul cleansing," to confess to your sins. Fuck that. Fix it instead of just building up resentment. You should have fixed this mess you made on your own, take some time off to reflect, and then rebuild a relationship with your DH. Instead, you chose to cleanse yourself of your guilt by telling him. Now he has to live with it. If you ever care about your looks, no matter how innocent, he'll always wonder. That is the price you will have to pay. Have to travel for work? Same thing. Company party with said co-worker? Same thing.

The common thread of behavior is that you are selfish. Just recognize it and fix it.