Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a horrible person. You took a guy who smokes weed and watches porn and married him and had a baby. You knew what he was when you married him. You knew that your values and his values did not coincide.

Your poor kid. Your poor husband. You are going to spend the next 50 years being smug and martyred at their expense.

Divorce already.

Dr. Laura, is that you?

Dr Laura only believes in divorce for abuse or infidelity.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a horrible person. You took a guy who smokes weed and watches porn and married him and had a baby. You knew what he was when you married him. You knew that your values and his values did not coincide.

Your poor kid. Your poor husband. You are going to spend the next 50 years being smug and martyred at their expense.

Divorce already.

Dr. Laura, is that you?

22:51 here. I don't know you but here is what I am hearing. You are putting A TON of energy into analyzing him, trying to figure out if he is lying, trying to figure out if he is back into porn, etc etc etc. I don't think you can see it but all that energy you are putting into this mess is almost certainly taking away from your relationship with your daughter. Your energy is not limitless and when you put so much of it into this crap it hurts all your other relationships. I was not able to see this until I separated from my husband and wasn't mired in the $h*t anymore. My relationship with my child has improved immensely since the separation. Something to think about.

Anonymous wrote:20:54 and 22:51 OP here. First, thank you.

Both of you are right on target with the scope of the problem. I will say that I only asked DH that he should not lie to me, that if he gets into porn again at all that I will find out, and when I do at that point he MUST not lie to me.

So, no, I did not expect him to volunteer it. But if I found out then he should not lie. I only asked him this because I could feel myself weakening from the various battles that his various problems were meting out on the marriage, of which porn was just one, and one that had seemed to kind of improve, but without the admission that its an addiction.

I _do_ think he may be on the bipolar spectrum but unfortunately its being missed by the people he is seeing and I am running out of energy trying to figure out his problems and pointing him to the right people. I am really tired of his self righteousness as well.

Overall I am beginning to grasp that I will never hear him say anything to me that will explain what I want to know most: why did he let the rages continue for so long, saying at points that he saw it was a problem, promise to get treatment, and then reneg on that? He claims he was not able to "see" what he was doing. He claims his "chemical imbalance" and addiction problems (a grand total of one week of using the term addiction, btw) made it so he could not see what he was doing.

The thing is he seems to think he should NOT have to ever hear any of my anger. And I now realize he will never see how unfair it is that he raged for years, and now I am experiencing anger and he cant handle it.

So the takeaway for me here is: it does not matter that its unfair. Its just how it is. That is hard to come to terms with but I am getting closer to realizing that is what I need to come to terms with. The unfair things of the past will never be fully acknowledged or understood by him. Maybe years from now. But possibly never.

DH has not yet been to therapy since admitting finally that he was dealing with a genuine porn addiction. He always tried to pass it off to me as "an old bad habit" but only recently has he confessed that he now sees it as an addiction. Again, this is a week old "realization" at least in terms of being expressed to me.

I totally agree the porn is self medicating and he sees it that way now as well. I found an excellent site devoted to fighting porn addiction: http://yourbrainonporn.com. It talks all about the brain science behind porn addiction and its really a great resource.

This morning my anger at DH spilled out and of course out of his mouth comes the usual bs like "I cant believe I put myself on drugs and did everything I can" rant. He is brittle and wants me to "love him and believe in (him)" and when I cant provide that total optimism while still processing brand new revelations about him lying about things, he turns to thought blaming. "If this is how you are going to treat me" bla bla bla. As if my being angry at what has happened is ME treating HIM some way.
I will seek individual therapy to see how to make myself feel less angry and heartsick.

Gaslighting. Don't fall for it.

Personally I would have had enough by now and decided not to waste anymore time with this loser.

There is no such thing as a porn addiction or a weed addiction.

You women need to grow up and realize men use addiction as an excuse to mind fuck you. They lust after other women, boink other women and like to get high.

If you can't deal with that, MOVE ON because this whining and sobbing internet crap is pathetic. No amount of therapy can change anyone unless they want to change.

If you want better in life, DEMAND better or find better.

20:54 and 22:51 OP here. First, thank you.

Both of you are right on target with the scope of the problem. I will say that I only asked DH that he should not lie to me, that if he gets into porn again at all that I will find out, and when I do at that point he MUST not lie to me.

So, no, I did not expect him to volunteer it. But if I found out then he should not lie. I only asked him this because I could feel myself weakening from the various battles that his various problems were meting out on the marriage, of which porn was just one, and one that had seemed to kind of improve, but without the admission that its an addiction.

I _do_ think he may be on the bipolar spectrum but unfortunately its being missed by the people he is seeing and I am running out of energy trying to figure out his problems and pointing him to the right people. I am really tired of his self righteousness as well.

Overall I am beginning to grasp that I will never hear him say anything to me that will explain what I want to know most: why did he let the rages continue for so long, saying at points that he saw it was a problem, promise to get treatment, and then reneg on that? He claims he was not able to "see" what he was doing. He claims his "chemical imbalance" and addiction problems (a grand total of one week of using the term addiction, btw) made it so he could not see what he was doing.

The thing is he seems to think he should NOT have to ever hear any of my anger. And I now realize he will never see how unfair it is that he raged for years, and now I am experiencing anger and he cant handle it.

So the takeaway for me here is: it does not matter that its unfair. Its just how it is. That is hard to come to terms with but I am getting closer to realizing that is what I need to come to terms with. The unfair things of the past will never be fully acknowledged or understood by him. Maybe years from now. But possibly never.

DH has not yet been to therapy since admitting finally that he was dealing with a genuine porn addiction. He always tried to pass it off to me as "an old bad habit" but only recently has he confessed that he now sees it as an addiction. Again, this is a week old "realization" at least in terms of being expressed to me.

I totally agree the porn is self medicating and he sees it that way now as well. I found an excellent site devoted to fighting porn addiction: http://yourbrainonporn.com. It talks all about the brain science behind porn addiction and its really a great resource.

This morning my anger at DH spilled out and of course out of his mouth comes the usual bs like "I cant believe I put myself on drugs and did everything I can" rant. He is brittle and wants me to "love him and believe in (him)" and when I cant provide that total optimism while still processing brand new revelations about him lying about things, he turns to thought blaming. "If this is how you are going to treat me" bla bla bla. As if my being angry at what has happened is ME treating HIM some way.

I will seek individual therapy to see how to make myself feel less angry and heartsick.