Sometimes, some people say it like "thank goodness its not me!"

But even *if* that is their intention, I still take the complement, cause I *am* an awesome mom.

If I give a complement and someone else takes it the wrong, well, I know my intentions are good. I can't control the thoughts in other people's head.

I can see the others being annoying and rude, but this one seems fine to me - my son has mental health issues and I am just not as assertive as DH, or as good of an advocate for him as DH because of this. I think saying that this just recognizes the parent's talent.


OP here.

Yes, I'm advocating for my child, because really, what's the alternative? The child needs help and when he's not getting what I think he needs, I try and get him that help, it's what I think any parent would do.

Right, there is no alternative but some people are just better advocates than others.

I kind of like "He's lucky to have you advocating for him" because I put a tremendous amount of effort into it and any praise for that is welcome.

I don't like "I don't know how you do it" or "Better you than me" because I think most people would do what they needed to do out of love for their child. Plus, it implies to me it's all tedious and it isn't. There is a lot of joy in watching my child light up and blossom as he learns things even if it sometimes isn't at the same rate of his peers. He's a really fun (and entertaining) child to be around once he is comfortable with you and his laughter is infectious.

What I do NOT want is any form of pity. Ick. Bleck. That implies to me the person thinks my child somehow doesn't measure up and it offends me because the person is seeing the disability not the child.

This is such nitpicking. In the Nova suburbs I've encountered parents who are so anti SN kids that I might fall over in gratitude at most of those comments. With school budget cuts, I constantly get lectures from other parents about how much the costs of special ed are dragging the school system down.

I'd say "I'm sure it's hard sometimes, but it sounds like you're doing all that you can and __ is a great kid."

OP, hope you can find that time to recharge, and I hope the crisis passes soon.

Anonymous wrote:

S/he's lucky to have YOU advocating for him/her.......

I can see the others being annoying and rude, but this one seems fine to me - my son has mental health issues and I am just not as assertive as DH, or as good of an advocate for him as DH because of this. I think saying that this just recognizes the parent's talent.

OP here.

Yes, I'm advocating for my child, because really, what's the alternative? The child needs help and when he's not getting what I think he needs, I try and get him that help, it's what I think any parent would do.


"Better you than me" is something I hear from one particular friend every time my SN child comes up in conversation. She tells me she would never be able to deal with these multiple disabilities.

Right now we are in crisis mode, again, and I'm doing all I can. SN child gets the majority of my time and attention, NT child has terrible anxiety and is therapy and as a result I give the majority of what's left to that kid. My husband gets very little from me and I have nothing left for myself. Two years ago when we were out of crisis mode I left the kids with DH and went away for the weekend. I flew up to my hometown on Friday and flew home on Sunday. I lucked into another calm period and DH had leave time and I was able to get a little time away. That was a year ago and I'm feeling that need to step away for a few days to recharge. I'm spent and we're still in crisis mode.

I see many of these comments very differently than, well, apparently most who have already posted. I have a child with certain needs and have been through the ringer since the moment she was born like so, so many. I have family and close friends who comment on my parenting, strength and gained knowledge and I absorb what they say and let it lift me and carry me sometimes. But for the vast majority of people who make such "you're a great mom ... " comments I really do believe they are simply making conversation. Honestly, other than those close to me I know that no one really cares if I am a good mom or not. They are just saying something they think is nice and to fill a need and then they move on. Everyone has their own 'stuff' to deal with and, frankly, people are pretty inner focused most times. Human nature really. So, I do not take these comments seriously. I take them for what they are, passing comments. I just don't understand the need to take every single thing so personally and prefer to save my energy for my child.

12:46 again - just to clarify, I don't blame people for saying these things. It annoys me, I don't really like hearing it, but I recognize that it comes from a good place and if roles were reversed and I didn't have the experience of having my SN kid I probably would say the same thing. So I get they don't mean anything bad by it and I don't imagine I'd handle things better, but it still bugs me.

To me, it's all in the delivery and the context. I've been told "You're such a great mom" and it's felt, well, great! (I have a severely disabled child for context) Other times I echo the feelings of others who feel that it's a pity party. I think it depends on whether you are making this statement out of the blue or referring to a specific moment.

S/he's lucky to have YOU advocating for him/her.......

I can see the others being annoying and rude, but this one seems fine to me - my son has mental health issues and I am just not as assertive as DH, or as good of an advocate for him as DH because of this. I think saying that this just recognizes the parent's talent.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I see people on here even write that - you are such a great mom or similar. There is no way to know that from a couple posts - but people say it because they think it is encouraging or supportive, even if they don't know it to be true. Those kind of platitudes are meaningless but they are just part of how we talk.

When I hear someone say something like that i assume it is more about them. They need to make other people feel better or at least think they are making other people feel better. They are often people pleasers, trying to say something they think you want to hear.

The reality is that most people, moms and dads, are just doing the best they can, great or not.

+1. It's harmless and they mean well. I say "Thanks" and not give it another thought.

I'm not offended in the least and I don't take it as anything other than a compliment. Frankly, I am a great mom, much better than most moms I know. I have to be because two of my kids have SNs. My NT kid would have done well with pretty much any parent that was decent but my SN kids wouldn't have. I've had to do so much more than other parents just to get my kids closer to 'normal'. Yes, being a parent is hard but, for me, being the parent of an SN kids is even harder. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some sort of martyr. I do what I do for the same reasons any parent does what they do. It's what I have to do. But the drain on resources (personally and financially) is far higher.

Now that my kids are in school, I can see that I do so much more than the vast majority of parents. How do I know this? The teachers tell us. We've been in public school now for 6 years and I've had enough interactions with the teachers to know I'm not the typical parent - SN or not. So, I'm not offended when someone recognizes I'm going a great job at something - at least at that moment. They don't have to know what I'm doing the rest of the time. I look at their comments as a sort of positive reinforcement. They're catching me doing something good and recognizing - just like I try to catch my kids doing something good and recognize it.

I sometimes may say ackward stuff to others so I tend to be understanding when others talk to me. I do not find things like "you are a great mom" that bad (sometimes I may appreciate it, few weeks ago my kid was going through a rough patch and we were all on edge and I was having a chat at drop off with another mom with a kid with similar problems, so she could understand - I had made mistakes with my child and I was talking about it and how hard it was and she siad something like that, that nobody is perfect and that it was hard and that I was doing a good job, and I started crying - I was not expecting it, my guard was down, I was so used to beat me up and feeling that pat on my shoulder was nice). anyway, what absolutely I do not tolerate is crap like "god gave you this because you can bear it" or "if that happened to me I could not do it". I have no problem in responding that god could have left my child alone, and possibly any other child, or that if that happened to her she would have done whatever she had to do like everybody else, and the only reason that happened to my child and not to hers (yet) is blind luck.

12:46 again- I don't like it for the reasons others have said: these people really don't know whether it's true, so it's meaningless and just kind of condescending. Besides, what else are they going to say? Anyone really going to tell you you're doing a sucky job?