Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is the illness talking, not the person. But that is hard to separate out and not take personally when the illness and person are so intertwined.

When I hear something that is angry, irrational and out of character, I just tell myself it is the depression talking and ignore it, same as if he said something under the influence of heavy pain meds/anesthesia

13:16 here. I do that too, but I also keep him accountable. It is a very slippery slope with stuff like the verbally abusive things that many depressed people are prone to say. H knows that it's not okay to say cruel things to me, that it's not okay to blame me for things, that flying off the handle in front of the kids is not okay. While I agree that there are "under the influence" elements, he is still a person who is at least partially in control. If he feels himself becoming angry or aggressive, I would much prefer if he walked away, took a break, etc. to avoid saying cruel things. I refuse to accept and excuse verbal abuse simply because he is depressed. He knows exactly what he's saying and chooses to say very specific things that he knows will be the MOST hurtful.

I am the PP you are responding to and I agree. It doesn't mean he can be abusive or aggressive without responsibility - but more that I don't personalize it or hold it against him personally. I agree though that he has to figure out how to manage it and if it is taking over or he is starting to feel out of control then that is a sign that he needs to re-tweak his treatment plan.

Anonymous wrote:It is the illness talking, not the person. But that is hard to separate out and not take personally when the illness and person are so intertwined.

When I hear something that is angry, irrational and out of character, I just tell myself it is the depression talking and ignore it, same as if he said something under the influence of heavy pain meds/anesthesia

13:16 here. I do that too, but I also keep him accountable. It is a very slippery slope with stuff like the verbally abusive things that many depressed people are prone to say. H knows that it's not okay to say cruel things to me, that it's not okay to blame me for things, that flying off the handle in front of the kids is not okay. While I agree that there are "under the influence" elements, he is still a person who is at least partially in control. If he feels himself becoming angry or aggressive, I would much prefer if he walked away, took a break, etc. to avoid saying cruel things. I refuse to accept and excuse verbal abuse simply because he is depressed. He knows exactly what he's saying and chooses to say very specific things that he knows will be the MOST hurtful.

It is the illness talking, not the person. But that is hard to separate out and not take personally when the illness and person are so intertwined.

When I hear something that is angry, irrational and out of character, I just tell myself it is the depression talking and ignore it, same as if he said something under the influence of heavy pain meds/anesthesia

OP, how was your birthday? Did you do something special for yourself, at least?

The thing that is the hardest for me about being married to someone who is chronically depressed is that no matter what happens to you, it's NEVER as bad as whatever is going on with them. I had one of the worst days of my entire life earlier this week and H basically told me, "I know you need me to be supportive and comforting, but I am just not able to give you that right now, because I have the worst day of my life every day". Then he suggested that maybe we should just not talk to each other at all for the rest of the day. When I told him that I was really upset and that his dismissiveness really hurt me, his response was, "Well, I was hurt too."

H is 40, underemployed, applying for new jobs and not getting calls, has chronic back pain. When he's feeling good, he's the most amazing man I've ever met in my life. I would estimate that his "good" days at this point occur maybe 3-4/month.

Yeah, same experience with a bipolar here. They never understand the lasting effects of what they say and do. They can't really even remember clearly after a while.

OP, describe to the doctor your husband's outbursts and anger. It's an irrational state. The doctor (and I hope it's a psychiatrist) might decide to try a low dose of mood stabilizer to go with the antidepressant.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you are experiencing. My husband has bipolar and about every six months decides he is feeling awesome and doesn't need his meds. Within days I can tell. Same thing as you he says miserable horrible disgusting things and then explodes overall realizing he needs the meds. Last time this happened once he was back on meds he sent a text "back on meds sorry about all the stuff I said" and then wondered why I was so guarded and didn't want to do stuff with him. My life is torn apart and then one text doesn't fix.

I go to counseling and it helps me draw the line of what is ok and I also take time weekly to do things for myself and I try to remember it is an illness but its so hard. Believe in yourself, your family needs your strength. Best of luck

OP here- thanks so much everyone. This actually helps alot.

Dont have much time to post at the moment. More later. The new doc recommended upping the dosage to the proper therapeutic level for bad depression.

The nasty side of my hubsand is what comes out when he is at his worst. The anger is pretty awful and the distortion is even worse (prjection, thought blaming).

Awful stuff.

As one PP mentioned maybe the better meds will allow me to see the nice guy again.

If he did not say such damaging things to me all the time when he is in this state, it would really help. He needs to learn to seriously shut up when he starts saying stuff just to hurt me. Its like dealing with a child. I told him so yesterday. TO which he is all insulted. To which I say well, please get serious and say serious adult type things to me if you really want me to believe you want to go to marriage counseling!

Anonymous wrote:Happy 45th Birthday Today OP!!

So sorry you are going through this.

I hate to say this, but you are being an enabler to your husband. I understand that if you didn't do certain things for him, then by all means, nothing would get done, but as long as you keep doing these things for him, he will never do them for himself.

He is a grown man and it is his responsibility to own his own life. He needs to take care of his own stuff and be the man that he needs to be.

It's a tough call, but in all honesty it is very unfair that you have to shoulder all of the responsibility of caring for both you and him on a day~to~day basis.

No one should have to live like that.

Hope this helps out.

She isn't enabling him. Part of what makes depression so soul crushing is that it takes away your capacity to be a competent and capable individual. You don't have the same ability to concentrate or think or reason, your brain becomes like a void. You are filled mostly with frustration and irritability that you are smothered by a black cloud and that you are powerless to do anything that hang on with every bit of might to some glimmer of hope and try and ride out the storm. It distorts your thinking and dulls your senses. Depending on the severity, getting out of bed can be a success.

It is unfair, so is being the spouse of someone with a traumatic brain injury or any other life changing chronic illness. It isn't fair and it is soul sucking to be around someone who is severed depressed - however the person who isn't sick really has no choice but to keep going day in and day out.

OP, hope they can try new meds - after 3 months if the meds aren't working or are "pooping out" then they should either be augmenting with a second med or trying a different med. take a look at the STAR D study - they were able to get about 80% of participants to have a great response within a year using that protocol. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/trials/practical/stard/allmedicationlevels.shtml

There is a book called "depression fallout, how you can survive when they are depressed"
Worth a read

OP, what can help you is to join a support group. It's good to be able to vent to others who know exactly what you're going through, and who can offer practical advice and help you see your own limits. It's how I've managed to keep my patience and understanding, especially in the early years.

I'm with someone with mental illness, too. Keep tinkering with the meds. Sorry to tell you, but it's likely that you will almost always have to be the one who takes care of most everything. And don't count on support from him if you need it.

OP, if you don't enjoy paying the bills, tell your husband this. If you feel that the business needs you, have him treat you like an employee. Right now, it sounds as if you are being used. Become a full business partner with all the rights and responsibilities that entails. Or, insist your husband sell the business and get an office job. As for medical stuff, my husband had to remind me about a midwife appoint I had. Many spouses handle medical things for their partners. I'd keep handling this stuff, and insist that he treat you with kindness and love. If he can't or won't, then you'd be better off leaving. Without some real indication that he cares about you, "learning to be patient" is like fucking for virginity. I'd also think seriously as to whether or not your daughter would do better in public school. You could still be involved with her education, but it wouldn't all be on your shoulders.

Anonymous wrote:Happy 45th Birthday Today OP!!

So sorry you are going through this.

I hate to say this, but you are being an enabler to your husband. I understand that if you didn't do certain things for him, then by all means, nothing would get done, but as long as you keep doing these things for him, he will never do them for himself.

He is a grown man and it is his responsibility to own his own life. He needs to take care of his own stuff and be the man that he needs to be.

It's a tough call, but in all honesty it is very unfair that you have to shoulder all of the responsibility of caring for both you and him on a day~to~day basis.

No one should have to live like that.

Hope this helps out.

You're not at all familiar with depression, are you?

I'm a very similar situation w DH. He's undergoing treatment for a variety of issues, most likely bipolar, depression, anxiety and ADHD. Maybe a personality disorder. Thesevre all things that docs/therapists have mentioned over the last several months.

I'm really struggling. We've even married 15 years, and he's never seriously sought treatment until this year when our marriage got really rocky, largely due to these issues. I realize he's finally seeking help, but its coinciding w me hitting my limit in terms of how much I can continue to handle. I'm over functioning and he's barely functioning.

I just dont see him getting well enough to function as far as husband, father, employee, member of society. I'm ready to leave, but want him to become a little more stable first. How much more do I owe him? Sigh.

Happy 45th Birthday Today OP!!

So sorry you are going through this.

I hate to say this, but you are being an enabler to your husband. I understand that if you didn't do certain things for him, then by all means, nothing would get done, but as long as you keep doing these things for him, he will never do them for himself.

He is a grown man and it is his responsibility to own his own life. He needs to take care of his own stuff and be the man that he needs to be.

It's a tough call, but in all honesty it is very unfair that you have to shoulder all of the responsibility of caring for both you and him on a day~to~day basis.

No one should have to live like that.

Hope this helps out.

I feel for you, OP. My DH suffers from depression/ADHD/anxiety. The spirals are tough being married has been exhaustive. But, when my DH's depression is controlled, I really see the great guy I married. What has been a real issue is that there have been times when it's not been controlled and he wasn't seeking help. As you know, the depression makes the ADHD worse and the ADHD makes the depression worse and it's just this horrible negative feedback look that makes me want to escape. But, we've made it through those times and while I can see he's going through a seasonal change with the depression, I've got enough resiliency left to weather it until he stablizes.

Resiliency - that's your key. I know you can't talk to a lot of people about this but you have really got to do something to recharge. You MUST MUST MUST. Look for some activities on Groupon that you'd like to try but wouldn't normally (I took a 'how to make a mosaic' class). Go window shopping in Old Town. Go to a flea market. Just do something that makes you feel like you used to feel. Hang in there! Hugs!