Anonymous wrote:This is a very common theme when a family member gets sober. Addicts are generally all about themselves when they're using drugs or alcohol and the family suffers for years with their selfishness. Then, everyone hopes when the addict gets sober, they'll start putting others first again, the "it'll finally be our turn to get some priority" hope. Unfortunately, in the early days (and sometimes months/years) of sobriety, the addict often need to be just as selfish as they were when they were using to keep themselves sober. So you go from supporting them when they're shitfaced in the gutter to supporting them when they're gone all the time to meetings. A lot of families don't make it through because the family members just can't keep putting the addict first and pulling all the weight so the addict can focus on themselves.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks so much for taking time to respond. On one hand, I get the need to go to frequent meetings, especially since he has not been sober for very long, but on the other hand, I do feel like all of it is a bit obsessive and self-absorbed. Sometimes, he goes to two meetings in one day. I find myself wondering what's so bad about his life that he needs to go to two AA meetings in one day. I look at our life together, our kids, our otherwise good health, our lack of any major financial trouble, and lack of any other major strife and think that, on paper, he should be happy and not need to drink. I know that any book on alcoholism would tell me it's not this cut and dried, but I find it hard to shake the thought.

As for Al-Anon, I think I am open to going again. Again, the other people at the meeting were welcoming and kind and I could relate to a decent amount of the things they were saying, but I'm not sure I fully got the principles of the group and their website hasn't made me "get it" any more so. Al-Anon had its own 12-steps posted at the meeting, all of which looked similar to the ones that AA members work their way through. I didn't really get why Al-Anon members would be expected to journey through their own 12-steps. The steps seem focused on righting wrongs committed against others and seeking forgiveness. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. I thought the group was more about learning that you can't control the alcoholic's behavior and letting go. I know I should give it another try and ask questions like this at a meeting, but I felt too awkward to even really speak at the one meeting I attended. Thanks again for the responses. It's helpful just to know of others who've been through something similar.

Anonymous wrote:Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if instead of AA it was kidney dialysis?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to the gym instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were playing video games instead?

Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if he were going to a knitting circle instead?

Addicts tend to replace one addiction with another. I don't know any one who's every been addicted to kidney dialysis.

Anonymous wrote:Would you consider it selfish and self-absorbed if instead of AA it was kidney dialysis?

Anonymous wrote:I just read this and am feeling the exact same way. My husband lost his job 4 years ago and started a business on his own. I have worked full time raising 2 kids to support his dream. Recently he has admitted he is an alcoholic and has gone to meetings sometimes 2 times a day. His family says his alcoholism is caused by me and his stress to manage his business. A business I don't want but I am supporting financially as well as the family. I feel like everything is always about my husband and his drama. I am proud that he is getting help but I am so tired of being strong and taking care of everything. AA seems to be another situation that is all about him and i am exhausted.