Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 14:41     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Anonymous wrote:We had lunch with some friends while my MIL was in town this weekend. She made a typical, bigoted comment like " don't you think gay people break up more often/go through more partners than straight people, don't you agree?" Unbeknownst to her, my friend's mom is gay. I just shut it down and said, "no, in my experience, that is absolutely not the case, can you please pass the Parmesan cheese?"

Should I call or email my friend to apologize for my MIL's behavior or just let it go?


This does not actually seem bigoted; she mentions nothing about accepting or not accepting gay people. She was just commenting that she thinks they may have more break ups relative to non-gays!
Maybe she read some US Weekly article or noticed this via the press.
Ultimately who cares, could have been a much worse, actual bigoted comment.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 14:28     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Anonymous wrote:Actually, I would apologize to your friend- not that you speak for your MIL but I would want to acknowledge that your MIL said something shitty and you feel bad that your MIL made everyone uncomfortable.


Agree with this. You are not apologizing FOR your MIL but acknowledging that what she did was crappy and you noticed it.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 13:27     Subject: Re:Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks. And there was this gem as they were leaving this morning "thanks for letting us see the kids, we know you are so busy." We have never ever NOT let them see the kids, we visit them twice per year and they come and stay with us twice per year. WTF?? And apparently she made some snide remark to my husband this morning about daycare but he was too mad to tell me at the time.



I can't tell what's wrong with this remark. It sounds like she was trying to acknowledge that you're busy, and that she appreciated your efforts.

While the gay remark was not nice, sounds to me like you're just looking for something to bitch about.


NP here, and I can totally see what's offensive with that remark. My MIL does it *all* the time. It's this faux-appreciation that is really a criticism. "Thank you SO much for making time in your really busy schedule to allow us a little bit of time with our only grandchildren." It's an implicit criticism that you are both too busy to be a good parent and that you are a horrible person who restricts grandparents' access to the kids.

And you know what? The more snide remarks like that, the more I do restrict my child's access to his nasty grandmother. She is nothing but a negative, critical, destructive force, and our whole family is happier without her.



Thanks for understanding. I didn't have the time or energy yesterday to explain why that remark was so nasty but you hit the nail on the head. Fortunately, she is a good grandmother to my kids and they don't pick up on any of this stuff as they are still quite young. But it's interesting, my husband's brother has older children, now 11 and 13, and in the past couple of years they've started to express feelings of not wanting to spend time with her because she is always so negative so I can see that the kids do pick up on this eventually.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 13:23     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Anonymous wrote:I think your friend has become do resilient after realizing her mom was gay, that some stupid remark will not offend her.
poor MIL though, it must be shocking for her to deal with so many gays in the family (not that there's something wrong but she sounds pretty cinservative)


I hope you are being sarcastic. Her brother has been openly gay for about 35 years now as has her brother in law. I think she's had enough time to get over it. And given that both her and her husband (my FIL) come from families of 7 or 8 siblings I don't think she has "so many gays in the family." Give me a break. In fact, most of those siblings have 3-4 adult children so chances are there are even MORE gay people in her midst. Heaven forbid.
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 12:19     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
*SO resilient
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 12:18     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
*conservative
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 12:18     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
I think your friend has become do resilient after realizing her mom was gay, that some stupid remark will not offend her.
poor MIL though, it must be shocking for her to deal with so many gays in the family (not that there's something wrong but she sounds pretty cinservative)
Anonymous
Post 09/17/2013 11:52     Subject: Re:Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks. And there was this gem as they were leaving this morning "thanks for letting us see the kids, we know you are so busy." We have never ever NOT let them see the kids, we visit them twice per year and they come and stay with us twice per year. WTF?? And apparently she made some snide remark to my husband this morning about daycare but he was too mad to tell me at the time.



I can't tell what's wrong with this remark. It sounds like she was trying to acknowledge that you're busy, and that she appreciated your efforts.

While the gay remark was not nice, sounds to me like you're just looking for something to bitch about.


NP here, and I can totally see what's offensive with that remark. My MIL does it *all* the time. It's this faux-appreciation that is really a criticism. "Thank you SO much for making time in your really busy schedule to allow us a little bit of time with our only grandchildren." It's an implicit criticism that you are both too busy to be a good parent and that you are a horrible person who restricts grandparents' access to the kids.

And you know what? The more snide remarks like that, the more I do restrict my child's access to his nasty grandmother. She is nothing but a negative, critical, destructive force, and our whole family is happier without her.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2013 23:00     Subject: Re:Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Precisely why I don't make plans to see my MIL. I leave it up to my husband so it rarely gets done.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2013 17:45     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
I would say something to your friend even though you probably don't need to. I would call her say something like

OMG, MIL just left. It was such a long visit. I'm so sorry she said that thing at lunch about gay people. She is crazy.

And then list some other crazy things she said. I would not dwell on the gay people comment bc it's not like you said it. I would acknowledge that it was said though.
Anonymous
Post 09/16/2013 17:23     Subject: Pretty sure MIL offended my friend. Should I apologize on her behalf?
Anonymous wrote:I would let it go, your friend knows you do not control your MIL nor did you get to pick who she is as a person.


+1