Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair is just like a marriage, but without the legal obligation.

I disagree. I don't think most people go into affairs looking for a "second" husband/wife. Marriage is long term partnership, child-raising, dealing with in-laws, bills, taxes, and household management. Affairs are very different. Most affairs fizzle out by 2 years because that is about how long it takes for a lot of the romantic love "chemicals" to die down.

I'm the PP who had the 8 year affair. I was looking for emotional support and sex from my affair partner, and if you're not getting that in your marriage, I don't see why there would be a time limit on that. My H was interested in sex about 3 times a month, about 20 minutes at a time, and very little emotional intimacy. I had the affair because I wasn't getting the good things out of the marriage.

Why not leave and take the chance to find another fulfilling marriage? I get there are kids blah blah blah but I don't think one parent having a long term affair is better than divorce. Just sounds like a lot of dysfunction and you robbed both you and your H of finding something real.

I want the good parts of marriage without the bad ones. I don't want to share my finances, my morning breath, my living space, with another person. The kids get stability and we coparent and share a house just fine. I do not believe I can find someone who will sustain my romantic interest and yet be a good partner in practical things as well.

That's sad. You are selling yourself short, and not requiring all that much out of life. It takes work and a lot courage but you can sustain romantic interest over years.

OP are you looking to start one?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair is just like a marriage, but without the legal obligation.

I disagree. I don't think most people go into affairs looking for a "second" husband/wife. Marriage is long term partnership, child-raising, dealing with in-laws, bills, taxes, and household management. Affairs are very different. Most affairs fizzle out by 2 years because that is about how long it takes for a lot of the romantic love "chemicals" to die down.

I'm the PP who had the 8 year affair. I was looking for emotional support and sex from my affair partner, and if you're not getting that in your marriage, I don't see why there would be a time limit on that. My H was interested in sex about 3 times a month, about 20 minutes at a time, and very little emotional intimacy. I had the affair because I wasn't getting the good things out of the marriage.

Why not leave and take the chance to find another fulfilling marriage? I get there are kids blah blah blah but I don't think one parent having a long term affair is better than divorce. Just sounds like a lot of dysfunction and you robbed both you and your H of finding something real.

I want the good parts of marriage without the bad ones. I don't want to share my finances, my morning breath, my living space, with another person. The kids get stability and we coparent and share a house just fine. I do not believe I can find someone who will sustain my romantic interest and yet be a good partner in practical things as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair is just like a marriage, but without the legal obligation.

I disagree. I don't think most people go into affairs looking for a "second" husband/wife. Marriage is long term partnership, child-raising, dealing with in-laws, bills, taxes, and household management. Affairs are very different. Most affairs fizzle out by 2 years because that is about how long it takes for a lot of the romantic love "chemicals" to die down.

I'm the PP who had the 8 year affair. I was looking for emotional support and sex from my affair partner, and if you're not getting that in your marriage, I don't see why there would be a time limit on that. My H was interested in sex about 3 times a month, about 20 minutes at a time, and very little emotional intimacy. I had the affair because I wasn't getting the good things out of the marriage.

Why not leave and take the chance to find another fulfilling marriage? I get there are kids blah blah blah but I don't think one parent having a long term affair is better than divorce. Just sounds like a lot of dysfunction and you robbed both you and your H of finding something real.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair is just like a marriage, but without the legal obligation.

I disagree. I don't think most people go into affairs looking for a "second" husband/wife. Marriage is long term partnership, child-raising, dealing with in-laws, bills, taxes, and household management. Affairs are very different. Most affairs fizzle out by 2 years because that is about how long it takes for a lot of the romantic love "chemicals" to die down.

I'm the PP who had the 8 year affair. I was looking for emotional support and sex from my affair partner, and if you're not getting that in your marriage, I don't see why there would be a time limit on that. My H was interested in sex about 3 times a month, about 20 minutes at a time, and very little emotional intimacy. I had the affair because I wasn't getting the good things out of the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:An affair is just like a marriage, but without the legal obligation.

I disagree. I don't think most people go into affairs looking for a "second" husband/wife. Marriage is long term partnership, child-raising, dealing with in-laws, bills, taxes, and household management. Affairs are very different. Most affairs fizzle out by 2 years because that is about how long it takes for a lot of the romantic love "chemicals" to die down.

An affair is just like a marriage, but without the legal obligation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if this ever works.

Yes it does. I had a successful affair for 8 years. The affair just ran out of steam.

I don't get this. Was year 6,7, 8 as good as year 1? I mean there is a science to this....romantic love is time limited. Seems like this wasn't a success because at some point thrill is gone.

Does that mean then that no marriage is a success? I can't imagine the romantic thrill in even a solid marriage is still there after 20 or 30 years. It's a success because it was wonderful while it lasted. I could say the same about my high school and college friends, even though we are no longer close today. Filled an important role at the time.

But an affair is not marriage. That is the point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if this ever works.

Yes it does. I had a successful affair for 8 years. The affair just ran out of steam.

I don't get this. Was year 6,7, 8 as good as year 1? I mean there is a science to this....romantic love is time limited. Seems like this wasn't a success because at some point thrill is gone.

Does that mean then that no marriage is a success? I can't imagine the romantic thrill in even a solid marriage is still there after 20 or 30 years. It's a success because it was wonderful while it lasted. I could say the same about my high school and college friends, even though we are no longer close today. Filled an important role at the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just wondering if this ever works.

Yes it does. I had a successful affair for 8 years. The affair just ran out of steam.

I don't get this. Was year 6,7, 8 as good as year 1? I mean there is a science to this....romantic love is time limited. Seems like this wasn't a success because at some point thrill is gone.

Anonymous wrote:What is a successful affair? Career advancement?

A successful affair is one that fills physical and emotional holes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure it works. You both understand the limitations of the relationship. It gives you the connection your spouse is not interested or neglects to give you.

You mean, it takes away the connection from your spouse that YOU are not interested in giving to or are neglecting to give to your spouse.

Fixed that for you. You have the cause and effect wrong. Bad marriages don't cause affairs, but affairs cause bad marriages.

Not true. I literally begged H for emotional and physical attention before I began my affair. He thought it was a power trip that I was always after him, and he didn't need to do any emotional work to keep me. He could also take or leave sex, so I was 95% of the time the one initiating it. When I met a man interested in me, I was so happy. Someone to chase me, care about my interior emotional life and who actually wanted to have sex with me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

What is a successful affair? Career advancement?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure it works. You both understand the limitations of the relationship. It gives you the connection your spouse is not interested or neglects to give you.

You mean, it takes away the connection from your spouse that YOU are not interested in giving to or are neglecting to give to your spouse.

Fixed that for you. You have the cause and effect wrong. Bad marriages don't cause affairs, but affairs cause bad marriages.

This is both naive and incorrect in some cases. It depends on WHY the marriage is bad in the first place. In my case, the unwillingness of my partner to fix the problems and to "reconnect" pushed me away. It was not my partner's fault. It was mine 100% but I tried to address the issues first. To me, that makes a difference. Not much....but it does.

Anonymous wrote:Sure it works. You both understand the limitations of the relationship. It gives you the connection your spouse is not interested or neglects to give you.

Exactly.