Anonymous wrote:Put yourself 25-30 years in the future when it is is you that your kids and their families want to avoid. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be, then suck it up be nice and understand family dynamics were formed long before you entered the picture and you aren't so perfect either. Good grief, I am sick of whiny women on here complaining about their mothers and mil. I suspect a big part of the problem rests with you and your expectations. It took me a long time to figure out that I was just as much at fault. I think a a lot of you need to grow up.

I'm sick of people saying you have to do X, Y or Z because it's 'family'. So what? If you want people to enjoy visiting you, don't be a jerk. Just because you find yourself at fault in your family dynamic doesn't mean someone else is. Family is what you create, not what you're born into.

Anonymous wrote:^^^This. I've only recently realized that my hurt and frustration at the continued scapegoating that occurs when I visit family for the holidays is, in part, because of my own failure to set boundaries.
There is no rule that says you have to go. There's no rule that says you have to stay the entire time, dropping by for dessert that day or a lunch of leftovers the next day is fine.
You are not obligated to grin through disrespectful comments and treatment either. Politely excuse yourself and leave if you're uncomfortable.
Do what is best for you to keepP your sanity and boundaries intact.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Put yourself 25-30 years in the future when it is is you that your kids and their families want to avoid. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be, then suck it up be nice and understand family dynamics were formed long before you entered the picture and you aren't so perfect either. Good grief, I am sick of whiny women on here complaining about their mothers and mil. I suspect a big part of the problem rests with you and your expectations. It took me a long time to figure out that I was just as much at fault. I think a a lot of you need to grow up.

Yeah but.

I have studied my ILs' and parents' behavior and used it to figure out how I want to be, both for my own sake and for those around me. We still visit -- they're annoying, but they're not monsters -- but if their behavior is sucking all the joy out of an experience, we have the right to limit the amount of contact. I don't think we're making them unhappy by doing so, because they seem to be unhappy people already. I'm just trying not to let the unhappiness rub off.

I am sure that if you asked, they'd say "Oh, we love having the children and grandchildren come!" but what they really love is this version in their mind in which the grandchildren are never rowdy, never want to do something that bores the grandparents rigid, and are completely in agreement with their grandparents about which foods are good and which are not (either because they're too junky or too fancy). The children, meanwhile, agree with the parents about all matters professional, financial, and sartorial, and when the parents opine on society or politics, we do nothing but nod and widen our eyes at their insight and wisdom. Also, we cannot get enough of complaints about people we do not know.

As soon as we veer from this script, we are ruining our time together.

And that's why we see a lot of movies and will drive half an hour to go bowling during the holidays. We're always back for cocktail hour.

Anonymous wrote:You can go away to Florida once the kids reach the age of seven.

We do it.

No regrets.

Our family, our kids, our money.

Why starting age 7?

You can go away to Florida once the kids reach the age of seven.

We do it.

No regrets.

Our family, our kids, our money.

You have a right to set boundaries.
You have a right to expect people to treat you with respect and kindness as long as you do the same.
You have a right to enjoy the holidays and do what works for your family's well-being, sanity and happiness.

You know what your kids want more than anything? Happy parents who love them and aren't wasting energy fighting about toxic family members. If you suck it up and make yourself miserable so the kids can have the extended family experience they are likely not going to have pleasant memories. The best gift you can give them is parents who love them, treat them well, model healthy boundaries and who show them what a happy marriage can look like.

My mother used to suck it up with toxic in-laws and it made us miserable seeing how they treated her and all the drama. Once my parents finally decided enough was enough we had enjoyable holidays that I remember with a smile.

Anonymous wrote:Already. I do not like my ILs. They are opinionated, insulting and treat my DH like he's still their baby. I am dreading it. Help I need real advice how to get through the holidays.

Why do you have to spend the holidays with them?

"Because they're family and it's expected"?

What a wimpy, spineless answer that would be. Get a backbone and tell your DH that your family -- meaning you, him and your kids -- need a holiday that is just you, this year. Leave town if you must, to get the in-laws off your backs.

If DH is such a mama's baby that he can't handle that, and puts his parents ahead of you and your children in his priorities: You and he have much bigger issues that last all year long, not just over the holidays.

If the in-laws are local, see them on your terms, not theirs. If they fuss and fume that you're not coming on ONE specific day or for ONE specific event, smile a huge smile and make sure you all see them at another time of your choosing, so they cannot ever say you "don't see us."

Take charge of your own time and your own happiness. If you can't discuss this rationally with your DH and can't get him to compromise, you and he need couples counseling. Like I said -- much bigger issues here than unpleasant holidays, if you suffer like this just to keep the peace with him.

This site is full of vents about holidays with in-laws. I'd like to see some of the people who post them take responsibility for themselves, stop venting, and start telling their spouses, "Not this year."

Put yourself 25-30 years in the future when it is is you that your kids and their families want to avoid. Imagine how heartbreaking it will be, then suck it up be nice and understand family dynamics were formed long before you entered the picture and you aren't so perfect either. Good grief, I am sick of whiny women on here complaining about their mothers and mil. I suspect a big part of the problem rests with you and your expectations. It took me a long time to figure out that I was just as much at fault. I think a a lot of you need to grow up.

We always had travelled to my inlaws for Xmas every year, but while pregnant I told my MIL that while they were welcome to come to us, or we could visit before or after the actual days, my kid was going to wake up in his own house every Xmas. They can't really argue that logic (assuming you are willing to host). Well, I guess they CAN but we weren't willing to listen

Start out as you intend to go forward, I say.

I know quite a few people who either just send the spouse or have a rule that the holidays are about spending time with those who's company they truly enjoy-usually friends and some pleasant relatives sprinkled in. Life is too short to be miserable. I used to get physically sick dealing with my nasty in-laws too often. Once our kids started complaining DH finally decided we need to do what is best and healthy for our family unit.

Cue angry hostile MIL coming on here to bitch slap us all via post and declare this generation selfish for not sucking it up and being treated like shit.

Anonymous wrote:We no longer do any holidays with the in-laws. They are alcoholics and after too many holidays that they suck the joy out of, I said enough. These are my holidays too, and I did not want to resent my husband for having such a messed up family, so we just see them other times of the year instead. Too many bad Christmas memories with them were piling up when the kids were little. You can not get your time back and you will hold it against your spouse. Holidays are too enjoy, not to dread!

Holidays with our folks were stressful too. Not in exactly the same way, but it was kind of a pain to have to fly on the most crowded and expensive days, fit in a million visits with the people we hardly get to see, not have quality time with our folks because they're always prepping to host the big holiday get-together, and then having one side of the family get angry and drink too much when they inevitably get overtired and the other side a little too PDA with the new step parent. I have good memories of holidays as a kid and want my little kid to be able to not equate holiday with extra long lines at airport security, exhaustion, bratty bullying cousins, and grouchy grandparents.

So we stay home and it's been FABULOUS! We get to do it our way - smaller and much lower key, but so darn sweet and relaxing. To anyone who dreads "the holidays," I highly recommend it! We appeased The Family by planning alternate winter visits "when they weren't so busy," and at least for us it turned out that they were a lot more fun to be with when they weren't so stressed out too.

We no longer do any holidays with the in-laws. They are alcoholics and after too many holidays that they suck the joy out of, I said enough. These are my holidays too, and I did not want to resent my husband for having such a messed up family, so we just see them other times of the year instead. Too many bad Christmas memories with them were piling up when the kids were little. You can not get your time back and you will hold it against your spouse. Holidays are too enjoy, not to dread!