Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't get postings I see about nannies having issues with grandparents and other relatives being present or dropping by. That is really sad. The kids' relationships with their extended family is a helluva lot more important than a nanny's sense of control, schedule, etc.

This isn't a long weekend visit, PP. this is potentially someone living in the home. Someone who may or may not have outside activities. Someone who may be around the house all day long, following the nanny around, wanting to talk to the nanny, correcting the nanny on what she's doing, second guessing her.

There have been plenty of times I've worked when grandparents have been in for a visit, and it's been fine. But this isn't a visit.

You sound like you have this well in hand, but two issues give me pause: 1) He has an active life where he is now and 2) Your mother died rather recently.

Rather than do an all or nothing one-month "trial run," why not do longer and more frequent visits over the course of several months. Tell your dad that with your mother dying so recently, you understand the urge to reach out to family, but you wonder if such a big change as him moving is necessary yet. You'd rather take some time for you and him to grieve, to adjust to life without your mother, to see what emerges...and that you'd like to have him come more frequently during that time, for him to get a better sense of what life is like in your home with him more as a resident than a guest. (So, when he comes to visit, do go about your normal routine, but also clear out more space for the guest room and bath to be "his" when he is there.) Maybe there will be another option that emerges (something like a Methodist home near you).

Something else occurs to me: If your dad moves in, are you giving up your guest space for other visitors, such as your ILs?

One more thing from recent family experience: You'll likely become responsible for finding new doctors and specialists for him and possibly scheduling and attending all those appointments with him. That adds up in terms of coordination and time.

OP, if you can set up his room so he can have some private space that would be ideal. Wire it for a TV, so if he wants to watch the news instead of Dora at 6 pm, he can. Make it a comfortable refuge from the chaos. And try it for a month.

My mom comes and stays with us for 2-3 months a couple times a year. We have a great time and I wish she lived here full time. My DH does too, though she is a little younger and helps a ton with the kids. They adore her and I love that they have a close relationship with their grandmother.

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth does everyone on DCUM think 70 is so old?

Harrison Ford, Martin Scorsese, Joy Behar, Barbra Streisand... Not exactly dottering old fools who can't walk up a flight of stairs or feed themselves.

Late 70s, not 70.

Reading comprehension, people!

Anonymous wrote:Is there a place he can rent very close to your place? Like a small 1br or studio? My mom stayed on a huge apartment complex in a small 1br two streets down from us. We'd often have dinner together and by 7:30 she would go back to her digs. It was really the perfect setup. I could also be there for her when she needed... Doc appt etc. she eventually moved out of state to be with her old love but that's another story

I moved my mom from being several hours away to a one level smallish apt 6 miles away. She can be involved but has her own space. Best of both worlds.

I don't have any sage words, but OP you sound like a very gracious daughter. Good for you for even considering this major move. Your father is lucky to have you in his life, regardless of where he resides. Your thoughtfulness and concern for your parent is a great example to your kids. Good luck with whatever decision you come to! Keep us posted.

OP said her dad is in his late seventies, not that he is 70.

A month trial is a great idea, but during that time you need to do everything you can to make it work. This is your dad. He's asked to come live with you. It seems disrespectful of all the sacrifices he made for you to say no or put him in a home.

That may mean adjusting your family schedule to have dinner together. Or finding fishing holes, dropping by the county rec center for some brochures on activities, getting him a library card, etc. Have him help out too, ask him to cook 1 or 2 nights, or be in charge of the lawn.

In other words, really try to make a place for him.

If he ends up missing his friends and choosing to move back, fine. He won't feel like his family couldn't be bothered to adjust.

Very important detail in the original post: He has lots of friends, some family and activities and groups in which he is active -- in HIS town, not near the OP. He's very, very likely to move and end up dissatisfied when he starts to miss those activities, groups and friends his own age. Trading all that for living with his family and being around young kids sounds good to him on the surface but from experience I can say that the change will pall once he begins to want interactions with people his own age. I know several families where the elders retired to a new area or moved in with the adult kids but ended up just pining for their familiar home and friends and activities.

OP, if he moves in with you, you'd do well to find in advance lots of activities for folks his age in your area. But he may end up regretting leaving behind the area and friends and activities he has known for years.

And you are right to be concerned that he will eventually tire of the noise of a household with younger kids. I think you already know that his moving in could end up changing how they grow up, the family dynamic between you and your kids and between you and your husband, right? It can be very positive but also does alter the way everyone relates to each other. I grew up in a household where my grandmother lived with us my entire life -- she moved in two years before I was even born. It was wonderful for us -- but that was a very different time and she did not have any other option but living with one of her adult children; there was no home of her own or option for "independent living facilities for seniors" etc. It worked well for our family for decades but it DID change the way my mother related to her and to us. So be aware of that.

Also, you say dad is OK financially and physically but is there any chance at all that he's not telling you something? He might have financial issues on the horizon that he has not mentioned, or he might have medical issues you haven't been told about. Those could be behind his interest in moving in -- he might have a feeling of "I don't have much longer so I need to cram in some time with my grandkids...." I would really want to go into this with him to ensure he's not making a decision based on some factors that he hasn't fully discussed with you.

My MIL lives with us (a cultural thing--it is expected inher and my husband's culture). Advice: make sure you and your husband spell out how you hope things will be. Listen to your husband if he has any concerns. Be the one who deals with your dad if any issues come up. And have a plan b if things aren't working out. It is hard to live with a parent and you don't want to get so you or your husband feel trapped.

Living space: try to really carve out an area of your home that is just your dad's. Do you have a basement you could finish? We made an in-law suite for MIL in our basement with her own bathroom, kitchenette, sitting area. That way we are not all up in each other's space. There is walk-out access to the basement too in case mobility ever becomes an issue for MIL. Try to consider that.

All of that said, we are reconsidering our arrangement right now. It is really hard for me sometimes, and it has been a strain on our marriage if there were issues with MIL that we could not agree on. Plus there has been a loss of privacy, we feel weird if we make any noise at all during sex, etc. It is a really big adjustment.

Why on earth does everyone on DCUM think 70 is so old?

Harrison Ford, Martin Scorsese, Joy Behar, Barbra Streisand... Not exactly dottering old fools who can't walk up a flight of stairs or feed themselves.

I've been through this as a child and parent. I live with my MIL now. Sounds like you're carefully considering all the right things in your situation. Barring any extraordinary incompatibilities, I recommend having him move in.

It will ruin your relationship with your H and your father.

If you father get dementia it will ruin your children's lives.

Your father is only 70 years old. He is not old enough to be moving in with his daughter. I suspect your mom did everything for him and he will expect you to do them same.

If he has a house he is selling you can afford a place like Asbury Methodist. Otherwise, I would look at an over 55 community.

He can do dinner with you once a week and on weekends.

If you are thinking this is a win-win because you need he money you are going down a bad path.

At you a nurse trained in caing for aging adults or dementia. If not you will actually be providing sub-par care when you care for him.

Yikes! I'm a spry 60. Hope my kids don't think I'm "elderly" in 10 years!

Wow. I don't get postings I see about nannies having issues with grandparents and other relatives being present or dropping by. That is really sad. The kids' relationships with their extended family is a helluva lot more important than a nanny's sense of control, schedule, etc.