He's a guy. I would get-over-it

This guy is one of those people who thinks the promise is equates with the delivery. Yes, he will continue to disappoint you time and again. It's one thing if he's the sort of guy who genuinely isn't aware of what you might expect, but he knows. He knows enough to give lip service to what he should ("what do you want? Don't plan anything all day!). Tacky that you got stuck with the cab on your bday (assuming lover boy was in the car with you). Face it, he's cheap...but worse than that he a promiser. Time to reevaluate.

I hear you!! It's my 30th birthday in 3 days. My best friend was going to start planning on throwing me a party a few weeks ago- my husband was upset and told me to advise her to stop as he may do something. Here I am 3 days before - my brother and sister have been asking me what's going on -I didn't know (and frankly kept my expectations low so I wouldn't be disappointed ) they contacted my husband to discover he's planned nothing! So now my sister and brother are planning me a party. I am super appreciative and happy but still can't help and feel disappointed in my husband as I have always planned special birthday parties for him. Men!!

I don't think you were in the wrong here but I do think you need to let it slide. There are bigger battles to fight. Try again next birthday.

OP, don't get your heart set on the likelihood of being able to "train him".

I'm married to one of these kinds of guys and we still struggle with it.

You need to learn how to be clear about what you need and want and be honest about it. Whether or not you're too demanding or high maintenance or unreasonable, etc.... only matters in the context of this relationship you're in right now. Then he has to be upfront about what he can/is willing to do. Then you need to try to find a way to navigate the holidays that doesn't set him up to be a villain or feel horribly inadequate and doesn't set you up to feel disappointed or lied to or not valued.

It's ok to be a gift giver and someone who makes a celebration of b'days and holidays, and it's ok to be someone who doesn't choose to do that. The trick is to find a way to let two people with very different approaches give the other what they need, or at least honor/respect what each needs themselves to find another way to get it.

A lot of the advice here from other posters about buying their own gifts gets at some of that.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:why are you on a parenting forum?

1. I work FT as a nanny and find the parenting advice interesting and helpful
2. DCUM has lots of great subforums (such as this one) that are not necessarily parenting related

why are you on a parenting forum?

OP here - thanks again everyone. I think venting and hearing that other people would be upset too has helped.

I passive-aggressively lined up all my other birthday cards on the shelf above his computer... I don't know if he noticed, but I feel MUCH better

I think I'm just going to let it go for now and be much more clear about the next big holiday. I will try, as another poster so eloquently put it, to train him.

Anonymous wrote:You are not an asshole. You are not a brat. Your felelings are legit. And your boyfriend disappointed you. Next time, tell him exactly what you want him to do for you-- you plan the day and tell him to carry out the plans. I am guessing that you will get exactly what you want.

+1 and he shouldn't have made it seem like he was going all out hen all he did was take you out to dinner.

You are not an asshole. You are not a brat. Your felelings are legit. And your boyfriend disappointed you. Next time, tell him exactly what you want him to do for you-- you plan the day and tell him to carry out the plans. I am guessing that you will get exactly what you want.

I do not think you are being a "birthday brat" OP. I think all you want is a nice "tangible" token from your S/O, something that he can give you and you can keep + cherish forever. That is not very much to ask for.

However, not to bash men or anything, but let's be real here. Men can be quite clueless when it comes to birthdays and gifts, etc. They just don't get it. Sounds like your bf if exactly that. In his eyes, it is no big deal if you get anything or not. In fact, just the fact that he arranged the night out w/all of your friends makes me think that was his actual "gift" to you.

I know it sucks, but as long as he is a decent guy in all of the other areas, I would let this slide. It really wouldn't be a deal-breaker unless he was a totally thoughtless jerk which it doesn't sound like he is. Just a little clueless in the gift dept., but again...if he is overall a great guy, then let this be.

Great guys are hard to come by now so I would just count your blessings.

Hi, another Canadian here!
That really sucks because he didn't follow through on a promise.. I'd be pretty upset. Men, especially young ones, can be kind of dense about this sort of thing. My husband, for example, will almost never get me a card and if he does, he doesn't even sign it (exception was a card he got after the birth of our daughter). I've told him time and again how much I like cards, and they're not even expensive!
Anyways I'm not sure how you can handle Christmas without coming across as an entitled brat. I have no problem pulling some passive aggressive bs lol but it's not everyone's cup of tea. You can either be direct or indirect, depends on your style, but I would try to get the message across somehow and see if he delivers. Ps was it a decent restaurant at least?

Anonymous wrote:I've been married 10 years. If I really, really want something for my birthday, I treat myself or make arrangements for it to happen. That way, I find I truly enjoy whatever my kids and husband do or give me so much more. No huge expectations from them, no disappointments for me. I love it!

Agreed. Nothing can compare to the gift you had your heart set on and did not get. If not getting it is going to be a problem get it for yourself and then you can be appreciate of what others get you.

I've been married 10 years. If I really, really want something for my birthday, I treat myself or make arrangements for it to happen. That way, I find I truly enjoy whatever my kids and husband do or give me so much more. No huge expectations from them, no disappointments for me. I love it!

Good luck. What you are basically saying when you bring it up if you are not careful is "I did not like what you did for my birthday and want to fix it before Christmas time"

While I know this is not what you intend to mean it is going to be very hard to communicate it. Your best bet is, while shopping, bring up a conversation about X-mas and then set "rules" for buying each other presents. For instance "we are going to spend about _______ on each other".