Anonymous wrote:
i brought it up and he was very offended. I think he thought that I thought that he was taking advantage of me or not doing his share.

OP, in fact, that *is* what you are thinking, right? You believe he didn't pay his fair share for the childcare you provided for your child for 4 months.

You two need to get out the spreadsheets and account for who paid for what during those four months, and make sure it all comes out even.

Going forward, plan ahead because with kids there are just more, and more, and more ways to spend money on them, and to lose income. For example... if one of you thinks someone should reduce his or her hours to part time to have more time with the kids... there's going to be a cost. If one of you thinks kid is OK in daycare, but the other thinks kid should have a nanny -- who will cover the extra cost of the nanny versus center daycare? These things can get complicated. Talk it out now, maybe even see a marriage counselor who can help you navigate these issues -- cheaper in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:We have shared and separate accounts, and my.separate account suffered. While I didn't ask him to "pay me for lost wages" , I explained that I was taking some from the joint account to supplement my own so I could still do the things I do with personal money (coffee with friends, a pedicure, buying his bday gift...)

I think this set up makes much more sense.

Wow. That doesn't sound like a marriage to me, more like roommates. Do you keep track of every little thing? Just have him pay for childcare for the next 4 months, and you will be even.

We have shared and separate accounts, and my.separate account suffered. While I didn't ask him to "pay me for lost wages" , I explained that I was taking some from the joint account to supplement my own so I could still do the things I do with personal money (coffee with friends, a pedicure, buying his bday gift...)

This place never ceases to amaze me.

i think nickle amd diming every aspect of your financial set up is setting up a situation for resentment and failure.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I met late in life and decided to keep separate bank accounts except for one small shared checking acct that we use for groceries, restaurants, etc. My four-month maternity leave was largely unpaid. Am I crazy to want him to pay for half of my lost wages?

i brought it up and he was very offended. I think he thought that I thought that he was taking advantage of me or not doing his share. It's not that I think that it's just that I take pride in having no debt and in the amount of money have saved especially because i have never had any help and really had to scrimp and save early on. i don't want to grow resentful that I took a huge hit and he didn't have to. He makes about 15% more than I do annually. I am not worried about our marriage so this isn't a matter of dividing assets it's just that I don't think that my bank accounts should suffer such a big hit and not his. I like the feeling of equality that comes from knowing that even though he's older and has an advanced degree, I can bring just as much savings the table when we make big purchases.

Am i crazy to think my husband should pay for half of my lost wages?

For what it's worth my husband wanted me to take four months off and stay home because he couldn't take any time.

This is one of those things you need to just let go. (FWIW, if you two divorce, if you have no prenup, whatever he earned during this period that is saved - retirement, investments, etc. is still marital). I would also not contribute equally for the next big purchase(s) if this is how you run your marriage.

This is the funniest things I've seen on DCUM. And I was here for Larla, burgundy washcloths, cutting poop with plastic knife and all...

No, seeing as all your finances are separate, you chose to stay home knowing this meant a loss of income for you. You could have gone back to work immediately. It would be the same if your husband chose to stay home for four months to do a house reno (that would benefit you both) then expected you after the fact to pay him half his salary.

Given the separate finances, if you expected him to pay you to be home then you should have made that contract and worked out the details before you were pregnant or gave birth. If you are going to run your marriage like a business, then you should know you can't come back after the fact and ask for more money.

Your marriage sounds way too me vs. you to be healthy. I you're a team, you both sacrifice for the good of the whole. You guys aren't much of a team.

Hmmm. I'm not married so take my advice with a grain of salt but you need to rethink your finances. If you are married, I would give up the separate accounts. You are still living like a single person the way you have it set up now. It makes me think of the husband in The Joy Luck Club who wouldn't pay for his wife's tampons. You can either be right or be married. Join your accounts and move on. And find a job with better maternity coverage. I got 6 paid weeks of maternity leave and that was only b/c I had worked in that job for many, many years. If you took off longer than you would be paid, that was a personal choice.

Anonymous wrote:OP - What is the reasoning behind this?

OP?

Anonymous wrote:Look, in the system you have set up - yes, you should be reimbursed for that time off. Shared baby, shared "hit" to the accounts. That's only fair.

But the whole system smacks of a "joint venture" instead of a marriage. I have no problem with people keeping a small account to themselves, but the majority of money should be pooled and spent on things your MARRIAGE needs, not you as individuals need. The way you're running things speaks to two individuals who happen to be sharing a home, not a married couple sharing their lives.

But yes, in the scenario you have provided, as sad as I think it is, he should absolutely reimburse you half.

+1

This is 16:14 again. I make half what my wife makes. Our agreement ref childcare was she pays all the childcare expenses but gets to claim DD as her dependent. Anything else ( not daycare) is pretty evenly split.

Based on what you've described, yes. If you didn't stay home (and lose the income) he would have been paying someone to care for your new baby, and it would have been expensive.

I don't think this arrangement is crazy. My DH and I lived together for many years and kept things separate (not even a shared account; we took turns paying for things like groceries and gas). When everything was separate we rarely, if ever, fought about money and when we got married we kept separate (but linked) accounts. We are now 5 years into having kids and have opened joint accounts for the first time. It is really challenging because we have different ideas of how and when to spend money--but I think this is one of the challenges of being married. I also think it's good for our kids to see that even grown-ups have to make choices about how to use our money, and between DH and myself, there have to be compromises.

I will also say that we have taken turns being the bigger earner, and over time this has been okay. He helped me get through grad school (as I had previously helped him). I now work PT and earn less than he does; if I worked FT I would earn more. But for a variety of reasons including personal temperament and job security we have chosen not to make it a purely financial decision, and I do not expect him to compensate me financially for the time I spend with the kids when he's not here. I expect his appreciation, I expect a nice gift for Mothers Day, but I don't ask him to pay me.