The big question is, were they always like this, or did they become this way. And, even scarier...will we become them?!?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, get cold sores when they come because of stress I just smile, stay detached, compartmentalize, continue to love DH and call a good friend to vent so I don't vent to DH. Oh, and I don't drink because I get too emotional. Stay even and in control.

Oh honey, I'd give you 20 minutes with my in-laws and you'd be twitching, drinking and developing cold sores or zits or something. Your eyeballs would be popping out after one tirade from MIL and you too would be researching borderline personality disorder and narcissistic p.d. to see if they fit.

I go through a lot of anxiety with the in-laws, depending on how difficult they're being. Unfortunately, they're close by, and I have to see them almost every day. Suffocatingly close families are the norm in their culture, and everyone is always mad at me for my random acts of being American, or wanting to lead my own life. The family issues are the most difficult thing about intercultural relationships.

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. What I'm really asking is whether the ils are objectively or subjectively difficult. I would be happy to never interact with mine but my DH and kids are fine with them. Has anyone tried sending DH and kids alone for a visit and staying home? How did that fly? I feel like for my family's sake they'd be better off without me there because my equilibrium gets completely out of whack. I just shut down and stop talking at a certain point (usually after one of mils satanical "suggestions").

Yes, that's what I do. Half the time, he is alone with ils. At first, it didn't go over well. "I wasn't being part of the family, part of the team," but it's totally fine now. In fact, I think everyone's happier this way. I had an advantage in that DH doesn't like my parents, so I was able to say, "I wouldn't subject you to my parents, so please don't subject me to yours." He totally got it. If he makes me spend every moment with his ils, I'm going to make him spend the same amour of time with mine, and mine ARE MUCH CRAZIER.

I count myself lucky b/c my ILs don't speak much English, and so although I know they're saying nasty things about me, the children, the house, etc etc., I can't understand a word and just go on about my merry way.

Pp here. What I'm really asking is whether the ils are objectively or subjectively difficult. I would be happy to never interact with mine but my DH and kids are fine with them. Has anyone tried sending DH and kids alone for a visit and staying home? How did that fly? I feel like for my family's sake they'd be better off without me there because my equilibrium gets completely out of whack. I just shut down and stop talking at a certain point (usually after one of mils satanical "suggestions").

Anonymous wrote:What about your kids and DH? Do they also see her so infrequently?

I don't think 4x a year is infrequent for any difficult IL...

What about your kids and DH? Do they also see her so infrequently?