Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:41
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
OP,
This is her problem to solve by herself.
Do not attempt to talk to her about it, and certainly do not apologize. She should apologize to you for making such a stink! But of course she won't
I have to believe that this is not the first time your mother has acted irrationally and selfishly. She sounds narcissistic and mentally unstable.
I have the same type of mother, and have found that I CANNOT RELY ON HER when I need her. Therefore please factor this into your plans for the future. She will let you down badly at some point.
I hope she won't come in with a bad attitude - that would be the worst situation. Make plans as if she was not going to be there. If she kicks up a fuss, remind her that she was abusive about the baby name and that therefore it is hard to trust her.
This is her problem to solve by herself.
Do not attempt to talk to her about it, and certainly do not apologize. She should apologize to you for making such a stink! But of course she won't
I have to believe that this is not the first time your mother has acted irrationally and selfishly. She sounds narcissistic and mentally unstable.
I have the same type of mother, and have found that I CANNOT RELY ON HER when I need her. Therefore please factor this into your plans for the future. She will let you down badly at some point.
I hope she won't come in with a bad attitude - that would be the worst situation. Make plans as if she was not going to be there. If she kicks up a fuss, remind her that she was abusive about the baby name and that therefore it is hard to trust her.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:40
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
well, if you're mother is a perfectionist, and had an idea of the kind of man you should marry, she is probably also heavily influenced by "appearances" and "what others might think." So, you can rest assured that your mom will swallow her pride/anger and get in line because she likely doesn't want to appear to her friends and community that she has anything but a perfect relationship with her new grandbaby. Honestly, I think you need to do some serious soul searching and start thinking about what sort of relationship (how entwined, etc.) you want YOUR new three-person family to have with her. To me, she sounds like she could be a toxic influence on your marriage and even on your child and you should start figuring out NOW how involved you want to ALLOW her to be. This is YOUR family, you set the rules. Good luck.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:40
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Your mom is crazy. Take this as a warning shot letting you know how she is going to behave once this child is actually here and plan accordingly.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:32
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
OP here. My mom was born in the US and so was her mom. We're Euro-mutts. The family name is a very common one.
@11:33 - she's just anxious and angry in general, I think. She is a perfectionist and if things do not go exactly the way she wants, she gets upset and lashes out.
@the pp who said that she has probably always had some underlying issues w/ DH, you're totally right. She never outright said that she disliked him but it's been clear over the years that she's not his biggest fan. She had this idea in her head of what type of guy I would marry (a nice doctor from a rich, conservative, Christian family) and that didn't happen (DH is an athiest lawyer from a very liberal family).
@11:33 - she's just anxious and angry in general, I think. She is a perfectionist and if things do not go exactly the way she wants, she gets upset and lashes out.
@the pp who said that she has probably always had some underlying issues w/ DH, you're totally right. She never outright said that she disliked him but it's been clear over the years that she's not his biggest fan. She had this idea in her head of what type of guy I would marry (a nice doctor from a rich, conservative, Christian family) and that didn't happen (DH is an athiest lawyer from a very liberal family).
Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:29
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
OP, you know that your mom is nuts, right? Sounds like you've clearly explained the situation to her and yet she continues to rage against everyone in the family and blame it on the wrong person. That's not rational.
Reminds me of my mom whose deeply hidden anxieties exploded publicly when she came to help when dd was born. She had been conjuring all kinds of conspiracy theories in her head which she had kept to herself but the anxiety of childbirth set her off. It took me by surprise so I didn't deal with it well and I felt defensive when I should have just told her to back off. At any rate, I realized in the years following this that she had been massively anxious for years and just hiding it really well. The explosion was all about her - had nothing to do with me.
Anyway, I think your best bet is to accept that your mom is crazy and you can't share things like this with her. Good luck!
Reminds me of my mom whose deeply hidden anxieties exploded publicly when she came to help when dd was born. She had been conjuring all kinds of conspiracy theories in her head which she had kept to herself but the anxiety of childbirth set her off. It took me by surprise so I didn't deal with it well and I felt defensive when I should have just told her to back off. At any rate, I realized in the years following this that she had been massively anxious for years and just hiding it really well. The explosion was all about her - had nothing to do with me.
Anyway, I think your best bet is to accept that your mom is crazy and you can't share things like this with her. Good luck!
Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:25
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided to tell our parents DC's name. HUGE mistake, I should have listened to my friends who said it was never a good idea. Three out of four parents love the name.
My mother freaked out. I mean completley lost her shit. She hates DC's middle name and is extremely angry with me. There is a "family middle name" that a lot of women in her family give to their first born children and I chose not to use it because I didn't grow up around her family (I've met some of them only a handful of times, they live in another state) and didn't really feel an attachment to it. She and I both have the middle name, but her mother did not. She blames my husband for it when in actuality I chose the middle name, it is similar to both the "family" one and one in DH's family, and I thought it was a nice touch to name DC after both families. Especially since after DC is born, there is a high likelihood that I will be unable to have more children due to a medical problem.
She basically never wants to see/speak to DH ever again because she is convinced that he bullied me into not using the name and there is no convincing her otherwise. (My parents live about 30 mins from us, so it will be hard for her to avoid DH entirely and interact w/ DC at the same time). Before this incident, she was planning to come help me with DC while I'm on leave, after DH went back to work. I don't see this happening now. She refuses to speak to me on the phone if DH is in the house. She's told my father that she doesn't even want to come to the hospital when DC is born, though he thinks she's just angry and ranting. She sees my choice of name as some kind of personal betrayal and thinks that I'm being selfish because I didn't take her feelings into account and I should have considered how hurt she'd be. She is also angry because now she will have to tell her family that I picked a different name. Honestly, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I really didn't expect this level of anger, it's disproportionate IMO. I figured she'd be a little disappointed, but would get over it since (1) it's my kid, not hers and (2) she got to name me whatever she wanted and I deserve the same courtesy.
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have no idea how to address this situation. I'm hurt, disappointed in my mom, and very angry at her all at the same time. I don't know if there's a solution to this mess, I'm just venting and looking for support from other people with moms who are a similar type of crazy.
This is so beyond my realm of comprehension. You're giving her a grandchild, for Pete's sake. I would totally flip this on her and tell her that she can see your son or daughter when she's ready to be a grown up again.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 12:21
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:What is your mother's ethnicity? I can't imagine anyone but a recent immigrant reacting this way.
Ha ha ha. I would suggest you spend time with my parents, but I can't subject you to that.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:58
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided to tell our parents DC's name. HUGE mistake, I should have listened to my friends who said it was never a good idea. Three out of four parents love the name.
My mother freaked out. I mean completley lost her shit. She hates DC's middle name and is extremely angry with me. There is a "family middle name" that a lot of women in her family give to their first born children and I chose not to use it because I didn't grow up around her family (I've met some of them only a handful of times, they live in another state) and didn't really feel an attachment to it. She and I both have the middle name, but her mother did not. She blames my husband for it when in actuality I chose the middle name, it is similar to both the "family" one and one in DH's family, and I thought it was a nice touch to name DC after both families. Especially since after DC is born, there is a high likelihood that I will be unable to have more children due to a medical problem.
She basically never wants to see/speak to DH ever again because she is convinced that he bullied me into not using the name and there is no convincing her otherwise. (My parents live about 30 mins from us, so it will be hard for her to avoid DH entirely and interact w/ DC at the same time). Before this incident, she was planning to come help me with DC while I'm on leave, after DH went back to work. I don't see this happening now. She refuses to speak to me on the phone if DH is in the house. She's told my father that she doesn't even want to come to the hospital when DC is born, though he thinks she's just angry and ranting. She sees my choice of name as some kind of personal betrayal and thinks that I'm being selfish because I didn't take her feelings into account and I should have considered how hurt she'd be. She is also angry because now she will have to tell her family that I picked a different name. Honestly, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I really didn't expect this level of anger, it's disproportionate IMO. I figured she'd be a little disappointed, but would get over it since (1) it's my kid, not hers and (2) she got to name me whatever she wanted and I deserve the same courtesy.
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and have no idea how to address this situation. I'm hurt, disappointed in my mom, and very angry at her all at the same time. I don't know if there's a solution to this mess, I'm just venting and looking for support from other people with moms who are a similar type of crazy.
Lucky you and lucky DH. Just ignore her until she learns to behave as an adult and treat YOU as an adult.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:51
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
The PP's who are asking whether OP's mom is from another country might be on to something. OP, did your mom grow up somewhere else? I can imagine my MIL reacting this way, but not my mom.
My husband's Indian and I was somewhat horrified to learn that my MIL & SIL thought it was their responsibility to let us know they didn't like a name we were considering because it rhymed with something else. When the initial shock wore off, I was able to appreciate that they meant well but I refused to discuss name options with my husband further until he agreed he wouldn't share the info with his family (I didn't know he was going to share the first one) and I told my ILs that in American culture, it's considered highly offensive to tell expecting parents what to name their child. They scaled back their input a little but still offered lots of suggestions, to which I politely smiled and changed the subject.
If this is anything along the lines of what you're experiencing OP, be clear but be kind. Your mom probably thought it was her right as the grandmother to have a say. Explain how you'll be doing things differently than she did but you still look forward to her contributions in other areas.
My husband's Indian and I was somewhat horrified to learn that my MIL & SIL thought it was their responsibility to let us know they didn't like a name we were considering because it rhymed with something else. When the initial shock wore off, I was able to appreciate that they meant well but I refused to discuss name options with my husband further until he agreed he wouldn't share the info with his family (I didn't know he was going to share the first one) and I told my ILs that in American culture, it's considered highly offensive to tell expecting parents what to name their child. They scaled back their input a little but still offered lots of suggestions, to which I politely smiled and changed the subject.
If this is anything along the lines of what you're experiencing OP, be clear but be kind. Your mom probably thought it was her right as the grandmother to have a say. Explain how you'll be doing things differently than she did but you still look forward to her contributions in other areas.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:44
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Distance yourself from your mother. She will bring undue stress to both you and your baby. I also come from a family with naming traditions. I didn't do either of them and won't if I have another opportunity. The family questioned it and got over it. Your mother being on a rampage over a name that belongs to people you don't even know is inexcusable and her own problem.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:39
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Calm down refers to the need to share everything. It is like nothing is sacred with new moms. Sharing pee stick photos with people you haven't seen in years, discussing your cervix in public, telling the gender before you even leave the office, sharing names before the baby has even taken a breath.
We know you are excited but calm down or don't get mad when people intrude in your life and the decisions you make. You opened that door.
We know you are excited but calm down or don't get mad when people intrude in your life and the decisions you make. You opened that door.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:36
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Anonymous wrote:OP. Just refuse to discuss it. Let her own her own actions, you haven't done anything wrong.
If she starts to talk about anything related to the name, how she feels about the name end the conversation. Don't argue, discuss, placate, mediate, defend, negotiate etc...
I think you make it clear you are a family unit. If she wants to be involved with DC then she needs to be pleasant and respectful to DH. Her being this angry over a name is a complete overreaction and it is important you don't give her any power based on this. Her anger has no merit.
If she doesn't want to come to the hospital / visit - that is her choice. Hurtful to you but her choice. You don't want her in your house spouting anger.
Say nothing about it, don't talk about it. Hopefully once the baby is born she will come around.
A million times over. We learned quickly not to discuss names with my mom when our first was born. DH is from another culture, and any name suggestion that included his culture got a wrinkly nose and criticism. "That sounds weird." or "He'll get made fun of." or "What's wrong with _________ instead?" or even "Can't you just pick a normal American name?" These were not out there names, either, she just apparently did not want a "foreign" name for her grandchild. I would have expected to be able to ponder possible name choices with my mom (we have that type of relationship--I know many mothers/daughters do not), but figured out really fast that it wasn't going to work. We are expecting our second, and will not discuss names with her ("We've narrowed it down, but are still deciding. It will be a surprise!")
Don't engage, just refuse to discuss. It's your choice, not hers, she should know and understand that already without you telling her. Is she really going to disown you and refuse to be grandma over a name? That's on her then, and everyone will know how ridiculous she's being. You're 38 weeks pregnant, you have more important things to occupy your time with!
"This is not up for discussion, Mom. I hope it doesn't rain today." If she presses the issue, "Okay, well, it was nice talking to you then, bye."
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:33
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Sometimes anger is displaced. Is your mom anxious about your impending childbirth, upset about becoming a grandmother, anxious and angry in general? Maybe she has something to focus on and is blasting about this.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:28
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
What is your mother's ethnicity? I can't imagine anyone but a recent immigrant reacting this way.
Anonymous
08/29/2013 11:27
Subject: Mother extremely angry over DC's name
Whatever you do, do not ultimately change YOUR baby's middle name to placate your ridiculous, selfish, hateful mother.