OP I think first you need to get yourself OK with it. I understand there is a sense of loss and hurt. Families are complicated and we all are just trying to keep ourselves mentally healthy and functioning. Some relationships just aren't healthy and seem impossible to repair and somehow when a person is family it is considered a bigger deal to break up.

We have some estrangements and we needed them. These relationships were toxic and causing pain and endless stress on our family. Now our family is happier and mom and dad are happier which is what the kids want most. We can't choose family. It is not our fault if some people are abusive, cruel, etc, but we can control something-whether or not we see the person. We can chose the family of friends we have.

Just focus on your kids seeing all the healthy relationships in your life. I assure you they know other kids with cut offs, it just might not be discussed. Families are complicated. We focus on those who treat us with dignity and we sometimes have to take breaks from someone when the relationship is causing pain.

I am here to reassure you that it is OK to remain estranged. Not your original question, but sometimes family is not worth it. I recently reached out to an aunt when I found out that a cousin was terminally ill, and, to make a long story short, I now remember why I have not talked with that dreadful selfish woman in years. I don't need or want her in my life, and that means that I don't want her in my kids' lives.

This is what I tell my kids if they ask (our kids are younger than 9): we are surrounded by a wonderful group of friends locally and they are our family. I keep it simple.

OP, a 9 year old can understand a fair amount, but also shouldn't have to be saddled with drama.

Perhaps you could have some calm langauge that you're comfortable using repeatedly like:

"Sometimes adults don't get along. We will visit Grandma but not XX and YY. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. Maybe someday you and your cousins can get to know each other and you'll get along better than your parents do."

I wouldn't go into a lot of detail or explanation. A kid shouldn't be burdened with the emotional battles of adults anyway - he just needs to know the situation, that it isn't his fault in anyway (or the fault of any of the children) but it's a decision the adults have made because that's the best solution for all of you as a family.

"Every family is different - some are really close, like Daddy's family, and some aren't, like Mommy's family. That's ok. It's just like in school where you're better friends with some people than with others. You can't be everyone's friend and that's ok. So I'm not great friends with my brother and sister and that's ok too."

I'm sure there are good resources on this somewhere, but I also think you might be making more of it than you need to at this stage. You could be projecting more of your own emotion onto why your child is asking. Often kids just need a simple, straightforward answer.

We don't like each other very much so we don't get together anymore. But that's why we're so lucky to have Daddy's family and your cousins xx and yy so very close.

Op here -- thank you all for your input. After reading this I have decided to try to (lightly) explain to DC that our family is screwed up and he won't be seeing his extended family on my side -- only grandma. I appreciate the suggestion for grandma to intervene, but it's more complicated than that.

We live near DHs family, who are friendly and supportive and would never dream of ignoring us or slandering us (there is no legacy of abuse in his family) so my kids are not usually exposed to my side of the family on a regular basis, and they don't understand.

I am wondering if anyone knows of any resources i may consult on how to talk to kids about this sort of thing ? Again, I believe its time i try to tell them why our family is not close, and i appreciate your input.