Anonymous
08/23/2013 23:55
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Are you going through menopause, OP? Any chance that's a factor here? You said "basket case," which is how I remember my mom talking about feeling when she was going through it. And my MIL had a lot of trouble letting go of her adult sons when she was menopausal.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 22:19
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
OP, as a SAHM, I worry about being "laid off" when my kids get older too. It's hard to face the loss of your job/identity whether you work outside the home or inside. It's normal to feel sad in any break up. You have to start getting busy and finding something to do. You are so young, but I know you probably feel like you're too old to do X or Y. Try to find something and over time, you'll see that you've built a new life/self-image. Good luck. It will take time.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 21:56
Subject: Re:Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Hi OP- my oldest just started high school and it feels like a big change. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. You are going through one of life's biggest changes so be kind to yourself. It is ok that you feel sad because it is a loss and you are feeling a kind of grief. Your will feel better because you have a wonderful future and many moments with your children to experience in new ways. Just be nice to yourself right now. You deserve it.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 21:54
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am 26, so not in the same spot as you are life-wise, but I can tell you how my parents handled losing me (the baby).
My dad took up woodworking. My mom took up hiking. Then they bought two horses and ride 3-4 times a week. My mom takes her mother out to lunch every Thursday. My dad has dinner with his friends the second Friday of the month at his favorite restaurant.
My parents attended family events at my school where they were alumni. They came to a couple football games. After the first 2 years, this happened far less. I graduated when I was 21 and in the last 5 years our relationship has become more of a friendly one. They are of course very interested in my life and I call them when I'm making major decisions or think of something that relates to them.
Your relationship with your kids is changing. You are getting the freedom to find new interests and spend more time with your husband and they are getting the freedom to grow into adults and learn about the world from a new view. It doesn't mean you have to leave each other behind. You have to accept the new experience. Your children are only "children" for 18 years. You are only 48. You probably have another 40 years to see who they are as adults and to continue playing a role in their lives.
What a great post!
Agree. I am going through many of the same things as OP. Kids leaving for college, becoming adults, and feeling a sense of loss. It is normal. Oh, by the way I'm a therapist and don't necessarily think that every parent who has these feelings needs therapy. This is a natural part of life and a major life transition. A lot of good advice has been given on this thread. Try some of the suggestions and give yourself some time to adjust. If you don't feel better in 6 mos it may be time to talk to someone. Good luck to us all!
Anonymous
08/23/2013 21:47
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Anonymous wrote:I am 26, so not in the same spot as you are life-wise, but I can tell you how my parents handled losing me (the baby).
My dad took up woodworking. My mom took up hiking. Then they bought two horses and ride 3-4 times a week. My mom takes her mother out to lunch every Thursday. My dad has dinner with his friends the second Friday of the month at his favorite restaurant.
My parents attended family events at my school where they were alumni. They came to a couple football games. After the first 2 years, this happened far less. I graduated when I was 21 and in the last 5 years our relationship has become more of a friendly one. They are of course very interested in my life and I call them when I'm making major decisions or think of something that relates to them.
Your relationship with your kids is changing. You are getting the freedom to find new interests and spend more time with your husband and they are getting the freedom to grow into adults and learn about the world from a new view. It doesn't mean you have to leave each other behind. You have to accept the new experience. Your children are only "children" for 18 years. You are only 48. You probably have another 40 years to see who they are as adults and to continue playing a role in their lives.
What a great post!
Anonymous
08/23/2013 21:44
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
My kids are 10 and under. I will be devastated when they leave.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 21:44
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Anonymous wrote:You should think about trying to get a job. This is not that difficult. Kids grow up, they move on, they get married and start spending Christmases with their inlaws. Time to buck up.
Spoken by someone with a shitty relationship with their children. If it's not difficult, something must be dysfunctional..
Anonymous
08/23/2013 19:08
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Hi I am sorry that you are feeling so down. It is hard to make any kind of change, especialyl one that deals with the intense emotions we feel wiht our kids (good and bad) The good news is it will pass and things will get better. You will snap out of it and getting involved in a hobby or taking a class are all good ideas. Also friends and getting active socially can help a lot, and of course exercise is a natural mood elevator with the great benefit of helping you get in shape!
Just hang in there, its so common and I bet if you open up you will see many others going through it. If it is debilitating that's when you will want to seek the help of a doctor and possibly meds, but try these other things first. Best of luck.
Just hang in there, its so common and I bet if you open up you will see many others going through it. If it is debilitating that's when you will want to seek the help of a doctor and possibly meds, but try these other things first. Best of luck.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 16:03
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."
My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.
This isn't about you.
OP, sometimes life issues trigger depression. People mistakenly think "I'm sad about X, I know the cause, so its not depression, its situational." All depression is situational, its mixture of environmental triggers and physical predisposition. I could point to the exact life event that triggered my depression, but it was still depression and medication gave me my life back.
I'm not saying meds are the answer. Try talk therapy. But if it isn't helping enough, consider medication.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 15:54
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Of course you feel sad OP. You don't need to pay some quack $200 to tell you that. Your life is changing and it is tough. I would imagine it is even more difficult if you are very close with your kids as some parents can't wait for their kids to get out. It is no different than if you worked somewhere for 25 years, then one day you were fired and woke up to this new world of job searching. It is a shock to the system.
But you won't stay in the place you are. You will learn to adapt. It would probably help if you had a proejct or two to keep busy. What do you like to do? Is there anything you always wanted to accomplish? Is there anything small that you've been putting off? Keep yourself busy and don't be ashamed to talk about how much you love your kids.
There is nothing constant in life but change. It will be tough, but you will be okay.
But you won't stay in the place you are. You will learn to adapt. It would probably help if you had a proejct or two to keep busy. What do you like to do? Is there anything you always wanted to accomplish? Is there anything small that you've been putting off? Keep yourself busy and don't be ashamed to talk about how much you love your kids.
There is nothing constant in life but change. It will be tough, but you will be okay.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 15:46
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Anonymous wrote:You should think about trying to get a job. This is not that difficult. Kids grow up, they move on, they get married and start spending Christmases with their inlaws. Time to buck up.
Please start your own thread "why I am miserable and need to inflict it on others, even those suffering".
I am shocked at how insensitive and downright mean some can be. Go away. OP- Good luck, its not easy to see a family in transition when the kids are all going their own way, especially when you are at a stay at home mom. It is much harder on a non working mom than a working mom in the sense that your entire existence has centered around the kids. I purposefully got a job managing a local retail design shop in my sons senior year for this very reason. Then I took myself back to school to not let any grass grow under my feet. It was a tough time made easier by being busy and throwing myself into as much as possible. In the end, you are better for yourself and happier and definitely better for those who love you. Hang in there..if it does not get better even with trying new things, seek the help of a good therapist. Best of luck and try to see the joy in what you have achieved!
Anonymous
08/23/2013 15:40
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."
My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.
Stop being overly sensitive to having to work and give this woman a break. She asked for advice not a poor me comment on how her comments affected you. Geez--
Anonymous
08/23/2013 15:15
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
I am 26, so not in the same spot as you are life-wise, but I can tell you how my parents handled losing me (the baby).
My dad took up woodworking. My mom took up hiking. Then they bought two horses and ride 3-4 times a week. My mom takes her mother out to lunch every Thursday. My dad has dinner with his friends the second Friday of the month at his favorite restaurant.
My parents attended family events at my school where they were alumni. They came to a couple football games. After the first 2 years, this happened far less. I graduated when I was 21 and in the last 5 years our relationship has become more of a friendly one. They are of course very interested in my life and I call them when I'm making major decisions or think of something that relates to them.
Your relationship with your kids is changing. You are getting the freedom to find new interests and spend more time with your husband and they are getting the freedom to grow into adults and learn about the world from a new view. It doesn't mean you have to leave each other behind. You have to accept the new experience. Your children are only "children" for 18 years. You are only 48. You probably have another 40 years to see who they are as adults and to continue playing a role in their lives.
My dad took up woodworking. My mom took up hiking. Then they bought two horses and ride 3-4 times a week. My mom takes her mother out to lunch every Thursday. My dad has dinner with his friends the second Friday of the month at his favorite restaurant.
My parents attended family events at my school where they were alumni. They came to a couple football games. After the first 2 years, this happened far less. I graduated when I was 21 and in the last 5 years our relationship has become more of a friendly one. They are of course very interested in my life and I call them when I'm making major decisions or think of something that relates to them.
Your relationship with your kids is changing. You are getting the freedom to find new interests and spend more time with your husband and they are getting the freedom to grow into adults and learn about the world from a new view. It doesn't mean you have to leave each other behind. You have to accept the new experience. Your children are only "children" for 18 years. You are only 48. You probably have another 40 years to see who they are as adults and to continue playing a role in their lives.
Anonymous
08/23/2013 14:53
Subject: Re:Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
Right there with you. My oldest graduates from college in a few months. He's 24 and engaged. We have two other kids in college and two in high school. I still catch myself tearing up once in a while when I accidentally try to set their place at the supper table. You don't need therapy! What you are feeling is 100% normal. My oldest has been out of the house and living across the country for five years and I still miss him every single day!
Anonymous
08/23/2013 14:50
Subject: Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?
13:57 I'm the PP who recommended therapy. I didn't say anything about pills.
I think anyone making a major life transition like OP can benefit from talk therapy. A supportive, nonjudmental and noninvested (i.e. not family or friends) sounding board can be a great help in figuring out what you want for yourself.
I think anyone making a major life transition like OP can benefit from talk therapy. A supportive, nonjudmental and noninvested (i.e. not family or friends) sounding board can be a great help in figuring out what you want for yourself.