Anonymous
08/21/2013 14:36
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Anonymous wrote:How to handle it when you have a sibling who is not struggling but making ends meet and you are fortunate to live a life of luxury.
I grapple with this. My brother is a good guy, lost his business a few years ago and rebounding back. He is in the building industry, smart and talented and I know will get back. He bought his home but has not been able to do all he wanted because of having to cut back, plus he has 3 kids to take care of and a wife who works as a teacher.
My husband is a lawyer, I have a small home based business and we live in a beautiful home in one of the areas best neighborhoods, drive nice cars take great trips,etc....I love my brother but feel uncomfortable a lot. Even inviting them over to come swim or play tennis makes me feel funny. My husband said its ridiculous and that he is happy for us but i cannot help but think its a reminder of all he wants to have and should have. I have offered to loan him money but he got mad at me, he is a "mans man" and would never.
We have one baby sister (28) who lives in France, and is getting married there next year, I offered to pay for all the tickets/hotels and he won't have it but I know spending 10k for him is a big stretch right now when he has so many other things to do.
Any advice?
You sound like a very caring and sensitive person. I read briefly through the posts and think the offer of the airline miles idea sounds perfect. This way no one is hurt or feeling like they are taking handouts. I think this is more common than many realize. He sounds like a good guy just trying to make his way, hope he will get there but he is lucky to have a sister like you.
Are your kids all friends? How is the relationship between he and your husband?
Anonymous
08/21/2013 14:32
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
aAnonymous wrote:OP you sound really annoying. First of all, your husband is rich and successful. From what I can tell your "home based business" is just a way to keep you occupied. Your "he's so talented" smugness is just unbearable.
Your brother sounds like he's doing what he needs to do and his wife is a teacher, not a prostitute. They are doing fine.
You seem to think it is more awkward than your brother does. If you are literally oozing money I agree with the other posters that you could gift it to your nieces' and nephews' 529 accounts. But do so quietly, without expecting anything in return or a huge thank you. You do it because you care about their family. And not thinking "if it weren't for me they'd be homeless on the street without college," but just because it is something you do.
You sound angry and bitter no offense. I think if anything sounds incredibly kind and empathetic to even think this way. OP I think your gesture and consideration is wonderful. Maybe tell him once if he rebuffs you don't ask again. And I like the idea of saying they are miles that might expire so why doesn't he just "take them off your hands"...great idea. I was in a similar situation as my sister was married to a loser who ran them in the hole financially and it was hard for her to see us with the American dream. Thankfully she came to her senses, dumped him went back to get her masters and now has a fantastic job and just bought a new apt. It was a thrill for our entire family to see her doing so well! Kudos to you for your consideration to others and ignore the jealous haters.
Be there for him and let him know you are, but don't force anything upon him, you don't want to wound his pride.
Anonymous
08/21/2013 14:23
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Anonymous wrote:Difference btwn old money and new money. New money is flashier with their wealth than old money. Why? Because old money has the wisdom of generations passed down that flashing money can cause resentment and other problems. Don't flash your money.
Old money also didn't actually work for their money...
Anonymous
08/18/2013 13:28
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
OP you sound really annoying. First of all, your husband is rich and successful. From what I can tell your "home based business" is just a way to keep you occupied. Your "he's so talented" smugness is just unbearable.
Your brother sounds like he's doing what he needs to do and his wife is a teacher, not a prostitute. They are doing fine.
You seem to think it is more awkward than your brother does. If you are literally oozing money I agree with the other posters that you could gift it to your nieces' and nephews' 529 accounts. But do so quietly, without expecting anything in return or a huge thank you. You do it because you care about their family. And not thinking "if it weren't for me they'd be homeless on the street without college," but just because it is something you do.
Your brother sounds like he's doing what he needs to do and his wife is a teacher, not a prostitute. They are doing fine.
You seem to think it is more awkward than your brother does. If you are literally oozing money I agree with the other posters that you could gift it to your nieces' and nephews' 529 accounts. But do so quietly, without expecting anything in return or a huge thank you. You do it because you care about their family. And not thinking "if it weren't for me they'd be homeless on the street without college," but just because it is something you do.
Anonymous
08/18/2013 12:55
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Difference btwn old money and new money. New money is flashier with their wealth than old money. Why? Because old money has the wisdom of generations passed down that flashing money can cause resentment and other problems. Don't flash your money.
Anonymous
08/18/2013 11:17
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
I think I know what the OP is talking about. Sometimes I also feel bad and in some weird way guilty/ashamed. Probably because I care about that person so I am constantly worried if this sounds snobbish or stand offish and how to be more humble
Anonymous
08/18/2013 10:14
Subject: Re:Siblings with very different financial situations
Anonymous wrote:I think my SIL could have written your post (except she hates us and never invites us to the pool). I invite them to the pool but they would never go to a public pool.
She thinks we are pathetic and poor because we choose jobs we love and live in the exburbs and drive a minivan.
I think we are rich beyond belief and am happy.
I would not want your handouts either.
I live within my means and don't need what you need to be happy.
But if you are like my brother (who I think will have a heart attack soon due to his worklife) and my sister (who is actually miserable because they thought by now they would have a house in Paris and one in Vail but they don't) I actually feel more sorry for you than you do for me.
Perfect example. She has to paint her relative who is richer as somehow lacking and bitter, while she is proudly poor. What a PITA she would be to deal with.
Anonymous
08/18/2013 10:11
Subject: Re:Siblings with very different financial situations
OP it is difficult when sibs are far apart financially. I have seen this both in older generation -- my mother's age, and my own. The sib who has more is very happy about it and wants to talk about it. The sib who has less resents that. Pretty soon, they are living such different lives that it is hard to relate. What the one sib takes for granted, the other sib does not have. Then the poorer sib asks for money --you have plenty!! and the richer sib is like, I am paying for my lifestyle and don't have enough to support you also. It can be done, but it is not a non- issue.
Anonymous
08/18/2013 10:07
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh, why are you so worried?
My BABY brother had done extremely well. Like weirdly rich.
He's still my brother and I actually think it's fun to visit him and to live in his world for short spells of time. But we still are just fine with our own lives even if there are places where we have to scrimp etc. to make ends meet.
I'd never feel awkward around him and would be super sad if he felt that way around us.
Why do you start your comments with eh? Sounds so moronic.
Eh, I guess it is to make up for your super successful brother.
Eh, it is much more fun to be poor.
Eh, scrimping is fun.
Um sounds more moronic. Eh sounds Canadian.
Both sound ridiculous.
Anonymous
08/18/2013 02:19
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Eh, why are you so worried?
My BABY brother had done extremely well. Like weirdly rich.
He's still my brother and I actually think it's fun to visit him and to live in his world for short spells of time. But we still are just fine with our own lives even if there are places where we have to scrimp etc. to make ends meet.
I'd never feel awkward around him and would be super sad if he felt that way around us.
Why do you start your comments with eh? Sounds so moronic.
Eh, I guess it is to make up for your super successful brother.
Eh, it is much more fun to be poor.
Eh, scrimping is fun.
Um sounds more moronic. Eh sounds Canadian.
Anonymous
08/16/2013 10:04
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
OP, I'm what you (and many here) would consider one of The Poors. I rent a one-bedroom apartment in a somewhat gritty area and share it with my DD. We pay to use laundry facilities. She goes to public school and aftercare.
My sister is a lawyer, married to a lawyer. They went to Italy for two weeks this year, and are going to Mexico later in the fall, plus a few other trips. My last vacation was nine years ago.
I may not be doing as well as they are, but I'm doing fine. I love when they ask me to house-sit and I can cook in their fancy kitchen (with a dishwasher!), do laundry, lay out on the deck, etc. I'm not bitter or jealous.
My sister is a lawyer, married to a lawyer. They went to Italy for two weeks this year, and are going to Mexico later in the fall, plus a few other trips. My last vacation was nine years ago.
I may not be doing as well as they are, but I'm doing fine. I love when they ask me to house-sit and I can cook in their fancy kitchen (with a dishwasher!), do laundry, lay out on the deck, etc. I'm not bitter or jealous.
Anonymous
08/16/2013 09:47
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Anonymous wrote:Eh, why are you so worried?
My BABY brother had done extremely well. Like weirdly rich.
He's still my brother and I actually think it's fun to visit him and to live in his world for short spells of time. But we still are just fine with our own lives even if there are places where we have to scrimp etc. to make ends meet.
I'd never feel awkward around him and would be super sad if he felt that way around us.
Why do you start your comments with eh? Sounds so moronic.
Eh, I guess it is to make up for your super successful brother.
Eh, it is much more fun to be poor.
Eh, scrimping is fun.
Anonymous
08/16/2013 08:04
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
Op some people are happy with the way their lives are. It's one thing if your brother asked you for a loan but it's pretty crappy of you to assume he needs money from you. Seriously though, he is probably happier than you think he is. Not everyone is materialistic and needs to be rich to be happy. My Dh and I are not rich but we couldn't be happier. We have time for each other because we didn't choose life consuming careers. We may not have a huge house or a lot of nice things, but we do have a ton of fun. Not to mention, when we do save up for nice things and great trips we are much more appreciative of them.
Anonymous
08/15/2013 14:43
Subject: Siblings with very different financial situations
OP, we are in a similar situation. I could tell you its not easy, but then cue all of those who have bigger problems, understandably.
As long as you don't flaunt, and they are not trying to count your money, nor *expect* from you, it should not be such a huge deal.
The latter, honestly, has been a huge issue for us. You would be amazed at what some people expect, and some can be downright bitter. They should be embarrassed (not us for having it) - but remarkably, they are not.
Try to find people in your situation to hang out with, it makes things much easier than trying to "blend" amongst those who will never let it happen (not that they would admit this). Some people really are takers.
Give what you can. But honestly, you have your own family, *who* is going to do for them ?!?!?
As long as you don't flaunt, and they are not trying to count your money, nor *expect* from you, it should not be such a huge deal.
The latter, honestly, has been a huge issue for us. You would be amazed at what some people expect, and some can be downright bitter. They should be embarrassed (not us for having it) - but remarkably, they are not.
Try to find people in your situation to hang out with, it makes things much easier than trying to "blend" amongst those who will never let it happen (not that they would admit this). Some people really are takers.
Give what you can. But honestly, you have your own family, *who* is going to do for them ?!?!?
Anonymous
08/15/2013 14:38
Subject: Re:Siblings with very different financial situations
I mean sister in law not sister