Anonymous wrote:

You have a right to be annoyed at your stepmother for interfering in a know-it-all manner; but you should also consider her position on its own merits.

One way of thinking about it is that ADHD also means poor emotional control. So discussing the matter with a psychologist could actually help you navigate your child's emotional immaturity and give you tools to stave off melt-downs and increase communication. For example, having a set routine, more structure and boundaries is extremely helpful and reassuring for the child!

My son was diagnosed with ADD at 5, after years of being labeled socially immature - now we suspect he actually has High-functioning autism, with perhaps ADD thrown in. The 2 biggest hurdles he has to face at 8 right now are executive functioning (he is very slow/disorganized) and social awareness (making/keeping friends). This is to tell you that labels are fluid and overlap, and you can look at the same set of issues from different standpoints to gain a better understanding of them.

OP here. I agree with what you're saying, in principle, and I was actually hoping I could have a productive conversation with her about behavioral management, emotional regulation, etc. I think a psychologist could be very helpful--but she just insisted to my face that "DS does not have neurological issues, he does not have ADHD" on pretty much no basis, so she shut down any conversation and basically said "Your doctor is wrong. This is what I do" but did not give me any reasons why she felt our son did not have ADHD. So, she acted like we were challenging her expertise. But she did not see his tests or evaluations, she hasn't tried to work with him on fine motor, or seen his visual processing deficits, hasn't seen him in a stimulating environment when he has a meltdown, hasn't seen him react to noise in particular, etc---nor does she think that the fact that DH, grandparent, uncle and first cousin have learning disabilities, etc, matters. Of course, she also insisted that DS's cousin, after having met him a few times, was 'definitely on the spectrum." This is a kid with serious learning disabilities, who has probably done 4 full neuropsych evals over the years, see a psychiatrist, educational consultant, goes to a specialized school, etc, and autism has never been mentioned. Many other language-based disorders, ADHD, executive functioning, etc, yes....

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, keep her away from your children. And she shouldn't be left alone with any child, NT or SN.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get the tangled emotions and difficulty separating professional and personal issues. But when i pressed stepmom on *why* she thought DS didn't have ADHD, she just snapped and said "because he doesn't! This is what I do! I know it!" without offering ANY explanation, without evaluating him in any professional way, without asking me why I thought he did, etc, and getting really pissed off at me for questioning her. Its always a red flag when a medical professional gets really defensive, but this is how she is about a lot of things, so it doesn't mean she's wrong. Anyway, she and my dad were also lecturing me on how I just need to set firmer boundaries with my son and he acts up because I let him, essentially--that his behavior is a reflection of poor parenting and complicated emotional dynamics at home (which hey, maybe, but then help me out more than just saying "be firm"). So, today they got to spend the day with him --I was there the whole time, but I essentially allowed them to take more responsibility for my son, and i hung back with the younger child. By the end of the day, they were both totally frazzled, were yelling constantly and saying "no!" and "stop!" and as ineffectually as I still do on occasion (though I have adopted a different approach, which is specific ignoring, for certain things). The day ended with my stepmother screaming at my son because he kept pushing a shopping cart into another one after she told him to stop. she totally lost it(screaming and twisting/yanking his arm hard to get him to stop ) which of course set off a meltdown.

Sadly, knowing my stepmom she will refuse to consider any alternative to her opinion (she has alraedy taken it as a personal affront that we did not sseek out the psychoanalyst she recommended) and I will never be allowed to discuss my son's diagnosis, behavior, or therapy or anything with her or with my dad if she's there because she will shut down the conversation. So, I guess I feel very alone--worried about my son, frustrated and scared and overwhelmed by the challenges his behavior presents (and will continue to present as he gets older/starts school) and just wishing I had one supportive parent. (my own mom, when I told her that we think my son has ADHD, only said "well, you knew it ran in the family when you married DH, but you did it anyway" and since then has pointed out every single thing that my son cannot do, from putting on his shoes to telling time to building things, and talks about how he'll never be a scientist or a doctor, etc, etc).

Your MIL is a bit cray cray.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I get the tangled emotions and difficulty separating professional and personal issues. But when i pressed stepmom on *why* she thought DS didn't have ADHD, she just snapped and said "because he doesn't! This is what I do! I know it!" without offering ANY explanation, without evaluating him in any professional way, without asking me why I thought he did, etc, and getting really pissed off at me for questioning her. Its always a red flag when a medical professional gets really defensive, but this is how she is about a lot of things, so it doesn't mean she's wrong. Anyway, she and my dad were also lecturing me on how I just need to set firmer boundaries with my son and he acts up because I let him, essentially--that his behavior is a reflection of poor parenting and complicated emotional dynamics at home (which hey, maybe, but then help me out more than just saying "be firm"). So, today they got to spend the day with him --I was there the whole time, but I essentially allowed them to take more responsibility for my son, and i hung back with the younger child. By the end of the day, they were both totally frazzled, were yelling constantly and saying "no!" and "stop!" and as ineffectually as I still do on occasion (though I have adopted a different approach, which is specific ignoring, for certain things). The day ended with my stepmother screaming at my son because he kept pushing a shopping cart into another one after she told him to stop. she totally lost it(screaming and twisting/yanking his arm hard to get him to stop ) which of course set off a meltdown.

Sadly, knowing my stepmom she will refuse to consider any alternative to her opinion (she has alraedy taken it as a personal affront that we did not sseek out the psychoanalyst she recommended) and I will never be allowed to discuss my son's diagnosis, behavior, or therapy or anything with her or with my dad if she's there because she will shut down the conversation. So, I guess I feel very alone--worried about my son, frustrated and scared and overwhelmed by the challenges his behavior presents (and will continue to present as he gets older/starts school) and just wishing I had one supportive parent. (my own mom, when I told her that we think my son has ADHD, only said "well, you knew it ran in the family when you married DH, but you did it anyway" and since then has pointed out every single thing that my son cannot do, from putting on his shoes to telling time to building things, and talks about how he'll never be a scientist or a doctor, etc, etc).

Anonymous wrote:I don't know your family or your stepmother, of course, but what strikes me most about this is how wildly and utterly unprofessional this behavior is. Professionals don't hand out this kind of advice to people who are not actively soliciting it, and if you have not asked for her intervention or opinion, there's no reason for her to think that she should be this involved. She's this kid's stepgrandmother, not his doctor. It seems like if she wants you all to trust her professional opinion, she should start acting like a professional and respecting you as his parents.