Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 19:24     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Anonymous wrote:You guys have to stop caring about what she says. Seriously. Caring gives her power. Treat her politely but divest any emotional investment whatsoever. Blithe, polite, impersonal treatment. GL!


This is really the best advice, difficult to implement though it is. Long explanations to either FIL or GF WILL NOT WORK. They are elderly, uncaring and will not change!
Why do I know? My mother is like GF. A heart-to-heart gives her more power to hurt because she knows she hit the mark. You really have to detach emotionally, there is no other way. DH and his siblings have treated their chronically depressed father this way for ever, because he was never there for them. They care for his bodily needs, but cannot be hurt by his lack of interest. I struggle to do this with my mother. I think it would be easier to do this with GF, who only appeared in your husband's life a few years ago. And it's not even as if your husband and his father are especially close.

Don't even listen to her. Reply non-committal things like "Oh, how interesting", "I dare say", etc... When she fails to rouse you, she will stop.

Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 18:48     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Also - it sounds as though OP's dh may be sharing a little too much with FIL. He might want to keep a better handle on what all he is telling FIL because you know that FIL shares that info with gf.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 18:09     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
I wouldn't have a deep conversation with fil and gf, I just wouldn't. Unless, of course, you really, really want (and see happening) a deep and involved relationship between dh/fil. But if you see the relationship remaining at the more or less superficial level between dh/fil, just try to plan events where conversation is minimal, yet, people can still be together.

If you don't plan on being a major player in FIL's life there really isn't much of a point in taking a firm stand -pro or con - on the gf who is a major player in FIL's life.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 17:39     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Meh, I couldn't bare sitting through all this passive aggressive BS during my kid's bday party.

This is a little kid's birthday party people! Have the party where the little kid is going to be happy - Chuck E Cheese.

Let gf and fil come to the party. Let them dance with Chuck E himself if they want to. Who knows, maybe everyone will have a lot of fun. Don't let this turn into something heavy..it's a little kid's party.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 17:38     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
You guys have to stop caring about what she says. Seriously. Caring gives her power. Treat her politely but divest any emotional investment whatsoever. Blithe, polite, impersonal treatment. GL!
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 17:00     Subject: Re:FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
I am in a similar situation. Mom is a widow, left in good financial shape by my excellent dad. Annoying BF has been around for 12 years now. He basically latched onto my mom (and all her stuff-houses, car, lifestyle) and self declared himself a part of the family. He has always been extremely rude and sometimes downright offensive to me (of course never in front of my mom, husband or older brother). I have tried to politely talk to my mom about these incidents but she says that I am over-reacting or mis-interpreting (I'm not). He has successfully driven a wedge between me and my mom and has so firmly planted himself in my mother's life that it is impossible to even see her without him right there. EVERYONE thinks the guy is so annoying but I am the only one to ever speak up, so I am the mean, over reacting hysterical daughter. UGH.

A few general words of advice based on my experience...

1. Talk to FIL...tell him that your family needs a relationship with him separate from anyone else. Grandpa, Dad, FIL.
2. Set the boundaries. Let her know through words and actions that she is just what she is:FIL's GF, not family.
3. Call her out on the passive aggressive shit immediately, right out in the open.
4. Don't let her take over all the care of FIL, managing his doctors' appts, meds, all that fun aging stuff. For a single parent, the adult children should take that responsibility (maybe I'll start a separate thread on all the crazy shit the BF did last year when mom had surgery...is there a Munchausen's for 65 year old BF's?)

Good luck, hit it straight on. Not sure about the Chuckie Cheese idea, that would be sweeping the issue under the rug. Do what you want, how you want to do it. What about MIL? Will she be there?
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:44     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Definitely call a girlfriend to vent to during the visit because you'll need it. Try to get about twenty minutes to yourself, even if it's an excuse visit to the store and/or starbucks, to get away from the stress.

Sorry it sounds like your DS's birthday won't be about him ... or DH ... or you. You have all my sympathies.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:33     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Lol - I think it's funny how this has turned into chuck-e-cheese bashing.

How often do you see them? I might suggest to just bite the bullet and just deal. She isn't going to change and her goal is to create misery around her because she herself is miserable. Don't show any emotion around her except a plastic fake smile. When she says something mean/bitchy act like you didn't hear her and make her repeat herself. Also, a good response to passive aggressiveness is 'hmmm, what do you mean by that?' When a passive aggressive has to repeat themselves or explain further it's kinda funny.

It's your call really, once every two months of seeing them (that's my guess) - I doubt you'll be able to accomplish much change in your relationship. Maybe that is a good thing actually because thank the dear lord they don't live closer. Also, I agree with the pp that said that the father/son should try to schedule alone time to talk but like I said, if you see them 5 times a year it's not going to be a huge change. Honestly he just needs to dump her ass but neither of you are going to make him see that. Just try to preserve your own relationship with the FIL as best you can. And if he acts shitty too, well, maybe you're just busy every time they invite themselves over.

Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:32     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents are divorced; it was not friendly, but it's been 10 years. DH has no hard feelings about the divorce (no affair, happened when he was an adult) and couldn't care less if his parents got re-married to other people. FIL has had a girlfriend for about 5 years. She is here to stay, they live together, no plans on getting married. FIL and MIL do not speak to each other.

DH and GF have not gotten along since day one. This is in large part because GF does not have any kids of her own, and does not understand boundaries of matters she should not get involved in. Don't want to get into the gory details but will give some examples. E.g. She cleaned out DH's childhood room and then talked with DH about things she found there and threw out. She contantly talked about how dreary their childhood home was and how she wanted to remodel the entire thing (which she did). GF tells FIL that he spoiled his kids by paying for college, and that they are ungrateful (why would FIL even pass this along??). GF never allows FIL to have phone conversations with DH alone-- she's always in the background shouting something. (As a result, DH and FIL almost never talk anymore.) When we spend time with them, she finds something we did to gripe about ("wasn't it rude that they didn't spend their entire day with us and instead went home for DS's nap?") which FIL passes on to DH. Note that these are never things FIL would ever think of on his own.

GF and DH have had it out a few times already (DH is about as mild-mannered as it comes). Usually it starts with GF saying something offensive in a totally passive aggressive way (along the lines of the above). I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but GF just keeps going. Eventually DH yells at her.

GF is always looking for "allies" to "improve her relationship with DH" by reaching out to me and his sister, which I find offensive (hello, my loyalty is to DH and not to you).

FIL is a weak person, and knows the GF is a problem, but is afraid to be alone and confront her with her BS. Before the rare visit, he will ask DH to extend an olive branch to GF in advance to "keep the peace" and "welcome her into our home." He starts calling and texting DH 3x/day about calling his GF. This drives DH nuts because honestly, FIL was your typical absentee-workaholic dad who missed every baseball game, worked 7 days a week, etc. So the idea that DH is supposed to drop everything for him to deal with his petty demands does not sit well.

FIL has managed to wrangle a visit for DS's birthday and I am already resentlful that I have to deal with a sh*tshow on what is supposed to be a special day for our family. DH just wants to tell her to stay home. I suppose that isn't reasonable, but how would you deal with this situation? During every visit, I try to carry on the blandest of coversations to get through any meal and hold my breath that there won't be a huge blowout.


I notice 2 things here:
1. GF does a lot of her best "work" out of sight- so in theory she could be fake-nice to your faces and still engage in most of her most egregious behavior.
2. FIL is a big, big, big part of the problem here. I don't know, I hold him responsible for letting GF get away with this.

I don't think you can lay down the law with this person and get her to change her behavior. I just have no faith that people who are like this actually change. I think you have to change your reactions to it. Either you can ignore her comments, give it to her the same way she does with you, or insist that FIL no longer bring her.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:28     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
How to deal with GF? Puzzling, since it sounds like she does this deliberately to put a wall between FIL and DH so that GF and control FIL. The greater problem is that FIL cooperates, presumably to avoid the fact that FIL was a terrible father and is now weak and dependent on GF. Maybe FIL is using GF to hide from DH's anger against FIL.

OP, I know this sounds hideous (I'm choking on it as I write) but could you babysit GF one evening so that FIL has time with DH, either alone or in a "boys night" with DS? Boys night is not as good because DH needs time alone with FIL, but at least it gets GF out of the picture ever so briefly.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:22     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
I think the logic behind the Chuck E Cheese suggestion is that it is such a loud, annoying venue, that GF will not even be able to manage a conversation with DH much less irritate everybody.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:14     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Anonymous wrote:Who are all you people who actually think that a fight can't pop off at Chuck E Cheese
If someone is going to show their a**
they will show it wherever
at your house
at Chili's
at Chuck E Cheese
Puhllleasse


They can show their a** but you can get quite a bit further away from it at Chuck E Cheese than you would be able to at home. Plus, the car would be right outside in the parking lot at Chuck E's so you could make a super fast get away if things get ugly..
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:06     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Who are all you people who actually think that a fight can't pop off at Chuck E Cheese
If someone is going to show their a**
they will show it wherever
at your house
at Chili's
at Chuck E Cheese
Puhllleasse
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 16:03     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents are divorced; it was not friendly, but it's been 10 years. DH has no hard feelings about the divorce (no affair, happened when he was an adult) and couldn't care less if his parents got re-married to other people. FIL has had a girlfriend for about 5 years. She is here to stay, they live together, no plans on getting married. FIL and MIL do not speak to each other.

DH and GF have not gotten along since day one. This is in large part because GF does not have any kids of her own, and does not understand boundaries of matters she should not get involved in. Don't want to get into the gory details but will give some examples. E.g. She cleaned out DH's childhood room and then talked with DH about things she found there and threw out. She contantly talked about how dreary their childhood home was and how she wanted to remodel the entire thing (which she did). GF tells FIL that he spoiled his kids by paying for college, and that they are ungrateful (why would FIL even pass this along??). GF never allows FIL to have phone conversations with DH alone-- she's always in the background shouting something. (As a result, DH and FIL almost never talk anymore.) When we spend time with them, she finds something we did to gripe about ("wasn't it rude that they didn't spend their entire day with us and instead went home for DS's nap?") which FIL passes on to DH. Note that these are never things FIL would ever think of on his own.

GF and DH have had it out a few times already (DH is about as mild-mannered as it comes). Usually it starts with GF saying something offensive in a totally passive aggressive way (along the lines of the above). I try to steer the conversation elsewhere but GF just keeps going. Eventually DH yells at her.

GF is always looking for "allies" to "improve her relationship with DH" by reaching out to me and his sister, which I find offensive (hello, my loyalty is to DH and not to you).

FIL is a weak person, and knows the GF is a problem, but is afraid to be alone and confront her with her BS. Before the rare visit, he will ask DH to extend an olive branch to GF in advance to "keep the peace" and "welcome her into our home." He starts calling and texting DH 3x/day about calling his GF. This drives DH nuts because honestly, FIL was your typical absentee-workaholic dad who missed every baseball game, worked 7 days a week, etc. So the idea that DH is supposed to drop everything for him to deal with his petty demands does not sit well.

FIL has managed to wrangle a visit for DS's birthday and I am already resentlful that I have to deal with a sh*tshow on what is supposed to be a special day for our family. DH just wants to tell her to stay home. I suppose that isn't reasonable, but how would you deal with this situation? During every visit, I try to carry on the blandest of coversations to get through any meal and hold my breath that there won't be a huge blowout.


Your DH is the only one who isn't being passive aggressive in all this mess. Kudos to DH for not wanting to appease either of them. His "absentee/workaholic " dad put his job first when he was a kid and now he is putting his shrew girlfriend first. Your DH can't catch a break.
Anonymous
Post 08/09/2013 15:59     Subject: FIL's GF is a sh*t-stirrer; how to deal?
Just have dh say to FIL - the last time we got together with gf there was a huge blow out and we really do not want to deal with that on ds's bday. We love you and you are welcome to come to our house dad, but gf will have to stay home this time.

Or you can make the same point by having the party at Chuck E Cheese.