Anonymous
08/11/2013 23:35
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:It isn't always 'childish' to let your relationship with someone cool without explaining it. I see it as more hurtful to email someone with the headline "200 reasons why I can no longer be friends with you" saying all the worst things they may think about themselves.
While I may have decided a person has changed too much/repeatedly displayed behaviors I cannot accept in a friend, someone else may feel entirely differently. They are not necessarily unworthy of friendship, I am just no longer able to be friends with them. I don't see a reason to cut them down and make them feel lousy because I cannot perpetuate a relationship with them.
Now, if they come to me and sincerely ask what happened, I'll explain it to them. But if it's just their own lifestyle choices/personality evolution and not a specific action that hurt me that made me decide to drop them, it's not for me to criticize. Plenty of other people may like them the way they are. I may not, but I don't need to make them feel lousy by listing the reasons.
+1,000,000. Seriously, I could not agree more. PP, you sound like a kind and compassionate person. It's really cruel to make another person listen to all the things that you don't like about them just so you can have the satisfaction of conforming to some arbitrary notion of maturity (or of telling the other person off under the guise of maturity!). And, as the pp stated so well, just because you don't like certain things about someone else does not mean that person can or should change or that the problem is actually with them. People sometimes simply grow apart. Or maybe the problem with the friendship is actually you and you just can't see what you are contributing to the bad dynamic. Whatever the reason the friendship must end, it's definitely better to try and be as kind and as fair as possible to all involved. Quietly backing away is generally the best way to accomplish that. Perhaps not in all cases, but in most.
Anonymous
08/11/2013 23:14
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Whenever this happens it usually turns out the dumper is:
1. a snob
2. jealous
3. Is depressed or in crisis and is only hanging out with people she feels comfortable with
4. Mistook something you said as offensive
I'd just leave them alone even if it was number 4 because that usually indicates you have bad communication anyway. Sometimes insecure people take everything the wrong way.
Or, you were being passive aggressive and very much meant what you said to be offensive but won't own it. Life is too short to put up with that for long.
Case in point. Sheesh.
Anonymous
08/11/2013 23:11
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:So, I'm pretty sure a friend has dropped me. I see parties I'm not invited to on Facebook and she either says she can't get together when I ask or flat out doesn't return my emails. I started noticing it about a year ago and now I'm convinced it's not my imagination because it's been going on for so long. Its definitely not that something is going on in her life to keep her from doing things generally because she gets together with other mutual friends without me and I see things on Facebook that she's doing. It sucks and it hurts my feelings a lot. Anyway, my question is whether to ask her about it or just leave it alone and accept it. I keep thinking about it and part me of thinks I'll be able to get past it better if I at least try to get an explanation. But the other part of me thinks that her explanation doesn't matter since the result is the same either way (end of friendship). What would you do? If it matters, we're mid-30s and both have kids...which makes me feel ridiculous for being in this 7th grade situation.
I have used distance to drop friend after I heard from several mutual acquaintances that she gossiped about me during my painful, traumatic divorce....I had a lot going on with me and my kids and didn't have time or desire to waste an ounce of attention explaining to her what she did...good riddance!
Anonymous
08/11/2013 08:31
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:Whenever this happens it usually turns out the dumper is:
1. a snob
2. jealous
3. Is depressed or in crisis and is only hanging out with people she feels comfortable with
4. Mistook something you said as offensive
I'd just leave them alone even if it was number 4 because that usually indicates you have bad communication anyway. Sometimes insecure people take everything the wrong way.
Or, you were being passive aggressive and very much meant what you said to be offensive but won't own it. Life is too short to put up with that for long.
Anonymous
08/11/2013 05:40
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Whenever this happens it usually turns out the dumper is:
1. a snob
2. jealous
3. Is depressed or in crisis and is only hanging out with people she feels comfortable with
4. Mistook something you said as offensive
I'd just leave them alone even if it was number 4 because that usually indicates you have bad communication anyway. Sometimes insecure people take everything the wrong way.
1. a snob
2. jealous
3. Is depressed or in crisis and is only hanging out with people she feels comfortable with
4. Mistook something you said as offensive
I'd just leave them alone even if it was number 4 because that usually indicates you have bad communication anyway. Sometimes insecure people take everything the wrong way.
Anonymous
08/11/2013 05:25
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
It isn't always 'childish' to let your relationship with someone cool without explaining it. I see it as more hurtful to email someone with the headline "200 reasons why I can no longer be friends with you" saying all the worst things they may think about themselves.
While I may have decided a person has changed too much/repeatedly displayed behaviors I cannot accept in a friend, someone else may feel entirely differently. They are not necessarily unworthy of friendship, I am just no longer able to be friends with them. I don't see a reason to cut them down and make them feel lousy because I cannot perpetuate a relationship with them.
Now, if they come to me and sincerely ask what happened, I'll explain it to them. But if it's just their own lifestyle choices/personality evolution and not a specific action that hurt me that made me decide to drop them, it's not for me to criticize. Plenty of other people may like them the way they are. I may not, but I don't need to make them feel lousy by listing the reasons.
While I may have decided a person has changed too much/repeatedly displayed behaviors I cannot accept in a friend, someone else may feel entirely differently. They are not necessarily unworthy of friendship, I am just no longer able to be friends with them. I don't see a reason to cut them down and make them feel lousy because I cannot perpetuate a relationship with them.
Now, if they come to me and sincerely ask what happened, I'll explain it to them. But if it's just their own lifestyle choices/personality evolution and not a specific action that hurt me that made me decide to drop them, it's not for me to criticize. Plenty of other people may like them the way they are. I may not, but I don't need to make them feel lousy by listing the reasons.
Anonymous
08/11/2013 01:03
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Here's what I do: If I really like the person and value the friendship, I will continue to call or email or send invitations to get together for a little while. But, if they are always "too busy" and/or they never call me or invite me anywhere, after a while, I move on. In the past, my feelings have been hurt tremendously, esp. if I really wanted to remain friends and if we had been friends for a long time. I would be baffled that we stopped socializing, esp. when we would run into each other at kids' events or the store and they would be so friendly. I would think - gosh, I really enjoy talking to them and would love to get together, but if my overtures are never reciprocated, I move on. The older I get, the easier this has been for me. I think - well, I tried and obviously they aren't very interested in being or remaining friends with me. It is sort of liberating. I usually delete them from my FB account too because, well, if they don't want to be my friend in real life, I don't really need to see what they are up to anymore and my feelings are hurt much less when I don't see photos of parties, etc., that I am not invited to.
Anonymous
08/09/2013 17:11
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:Just ask her what is going on.
Sure, you might get an answer you won't like, but I think it's ridiculous that people would suggest you dismiss a friend without at least finding out what's going on.
It could be a misunderstanding.
If she says she no longer wants to be friends or she thinks you're a "crappy person," then at least you know with certainty.
Honestly, 11:23 sounds like a crappy person. the fact that you would just drop a friend without explanation and make her basically BEG for an explanation says a lot about you.
No one -- no one -- deserves to be shut out without an explanation. It's simply not an adult way to behave. If someone was once a friend or somehow in your life and you no longer want that person around, the decent thing to do is to, at least when asked, let them know why.
It's shitty to "drop" someone and not explain why. It's childish and immature. Sure, giving an explanation might be awkward, but it is part of being an honest, decent person.
If explanations are given that have no resolution, then two people go their separate ways. End of story. But there's no need to be secretive about suddenly not wanting to be friends with someone.
I, frankly, think people who do that do it because they don't want to cut off that relationship. It's like they don't like someone, but they're not sure whether they might have a use for that person in the future. So they just ignore the person so that in the future, if they need them, they can just give some BS excuse like they were busy.
Back to the OP, just ask her. Get closure and move on. And at the least, if you ask her directly, she can't come back later and try to use you.
What if the friend is crazy? I unfortunately had to do this the "crappy way" once because there really wasn't any other way to do it. Discussing it at all would have kept the endless cycle of crazy going, and in fact escalating it. There was no explanation that would have made her feel good about it, and no explanation she would have accepted. Sometimes, it's the adult thing to do to disengage.
Anonymous
08/09/2013 09:01
Subject: Re:Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
This is OP, thanks for all the thoughts, everyone. I think I may try to ask in a non confrontational way. We were good friends, this was not just an acquaintance and I did truly like her. I feel like it's worth a shot of saving the friendship.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 15:30
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
OP, I'd ask her - in a non-confrontational way, as others have suggested.
If the friendship is over then there is nothing lost by asking. If something happened that was a correctable misunderstanding then you can address that. If she doesn't want to tell you, fine - at least you tried.
I had this happen and i never followed up and I've always regretted it.
As others have said, it is a very reasonable and adult thing to do to actually just ask someone if you have offended them in some way, say that you miss the friendship and wanted to know if something had happened that you're not even aware of.
Worth a shot in my book. Not necessarily the easiest thing to do, but definitely grown-up behavior.
Good luck.
If all else fails then unfriend her on FB and just let it go. Life is short.
If the friendship is over then there is nothing lost by asking. If something happened that was a correctable misunderstanding then you can address that. If she doesn't want to tell you, fine - at least you tried.
I had this happen and i never followed up and I've always regretted it.
As others have said, it is a very reasonable and adult thing to do to actually just ask someone if you have offended them in some way, say that you miss the friendship and wanted to know if something had happened that you're not even aware of.
Worth a shot in my book. Not necessarily the easiest thing to do, but definitely grown-up behavior.
Good luck.
If all else fails then unfriend her on FB and just let it go. Life is short.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 14:50
Subject: Re:Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
13:03 - I think some folks aren't trying to hedge or keep people around in case they need something. I think sometimes we just feel bad outright saying "I don't want to be your friend anymore" because it would hurt the person's feelings and there's nothing they could do to make the situation better. It's a hard conversation to have, especially if you know the person has very few friends because of their behaviors/actions. I know we should put on our big-girl panties and have it, but sometimes you kind of just hope the person gets the hints you've been dropping for YEARS.
OP, I wondered if you were the person I've been trying to drop until you said you were both mid-30's. (i'm in my 40's.) I think if you're ok with hearing the answer, you should just ask. If my "friend" asked, I'd tell her that I found her negativity and complaining really draining, and that I look to social occasions to lift me up, not make me annoyed and cranky.
In your case, it's possible that if she used to invite you to stuff and you always said no, that she figured you don't really want to come out so she left you off invites. I stop inviting people after they've declined many times. (or said yes but not shown up.) I just assume they don't want to come out and might not appreciate the invites. Also, if you haven't been out in awhile, you're not fresh in her mind. Sometimes when doing invites, the people you've seen most recently pop into your mind first. Facebook invites are hard - if you have a lot of friends, it can be tough to get everyone invited. You always miss a few.
The explanation may not be a friendship-breaker, though - you never know.
OP, I wondered if you were the person I've been trying to drop until you said you were both mid-30's. (i'm in my 40's.) I think if you're ok with hearing the answer, you should just ask. If my "friend" asked, I'd tell her that I found her negativity and complaining really draining, and that I look to social occasions to lift me up, not make me annoyed and cranky.
In your case, it's possible that if she used to invite you to stuff and you always said no, that she figured you don't really want to come out so she left you off invites. I stop inviting people after they've declined many times. (or said yes but not shown up.) I just assume they don't want to come out and might not appreciate the invites. Also, if you haven't been out in awhile, you're not fresh in her mind. Sometimes when doing invites, the people you've seen most recently pop into your mind first. Facebook invites are hard - if you have a lot of friends, it can be tough to get everyone invited. You always miss a few.
The explanation may not be a friendship-breaker, though - you never know.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 14:26
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Just ask her what is going on.
Sure, you might get an answer you won't like, but I think it's ridiculous that people would suggest you dismiss a friend without at least finding out what's going on.
It could be a misunderstanding.
If she says she no longer wants to be friends or she thinks you're a "crappy person," then at least you know with certainty.
Honestly, 11:23 sounds like a crappy person. the fact that you would just drop a friend without explanation and make her basically BEG for an explanation says a lot about you.
No one -- no one -- deserves to be shut out without an explanation. It's simply not an adult way to behave. If someone was once a friend or somehow in your life and you no longer want that person around, the decent thing to do is to, at least when asked, let them know why.
It's shitty to "drop" someone and not explain why. It's childish and immature. Sure, giving an explanation might be awkward, but it is part of being an honest, decent person.
If explanations are given that have no resolution, then two people go their separate ways. End of story. But there's no need to be secretive about suddenly not wanting to be friends with someone.
I, frankly, think people who do that do it because they don't want to cut off that relationship. It's like they don't like someone, but they're not sure whether they might have a use for that person in the future. So they just ignore the person so that in the future, if they need them, they can just give some BS excuse like they were busy.
Back to the OP, just ask her. Get closure and move on. And at the least, if you ask her directly, she can't come back later and try to use you.
You can think I'm crappy. My reasoning was I thought SHE was crappy but really, that's my problem, not hers. I don't expect her to change those things about herself just because I don't like them. So I just distanced myself. She finally asked why, I told her, and she didn't like what she heard and wanted to argue why I was wrong. It was a waste of time.
I think you're changing your story, PP. First, you say she "pushed and pushed" for an explanation, and then you say she "finally asked why." The former sounds like you strung her along, the latter doesn't. Which is it?
Anonymous
08/08/2013 14:23
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
I hate when friends ask "why don't you call anymore?" "are we still friends?" "have I offended you?" because it takes the negative awkward feelings you have and tries to place it on the other person. It's not done out of concern for the other person and it presumes that the other person has a problem with you when you're the one who objects to the current situation.
Maybe your friend is busy but would be happy to see you when that happens, but if you ask her this, then she definitely will not be happy to run into you again in the future. If you are going to do this, take inventory of your own actions first - have you tried to reach out more than once? Are you sure your friend isn't going through a rough time?
Maybe your friend is busy but would be happy to see you when that happens, but if you ask her this, then she definitely will not be happy to run into you again in the future. If you are going to do this, take inventory of your own actions first - have you tried to reach out more than once? Are you sure your friend isn't going through a rough time?
Anonymous
08/08/2013 14:12
Subject: Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Anonymous wrote:Just ask her what is going on.
Sure, you might get an answer you won't like, but I think it's ridiculous that people would suggest you dismiss a friend without at least finding out what's going on.
It could be a misunderstanding.
If she says she no longer wants to be friends or she thinks you're a "crappy person," then at least you know with certainty.
Honestly, 11:23 sounds like a crappy person. the fact that you would just drop a friend without explanation and make her basically BEG for an explanation says a lot about you.
No one -- no one -- deserves to be shut out without an explanation. It's simply not an adult way to behave. If someone was once a friend or somehow in your life and you no longer want that person around, the decent thing to do is to, at least when asked, let them know why.
It's shitty to "drop" someone and not explain why. It's childish and immature. Sure, giving an explanation might be awkward, but it is part of being an honest, decent person.
If explanations are given that have no resolution, then two people go their separate ways. End of story. But there's no need to be secretive about suddenly not wanting to be friends with someone.
I, frankly, think people who do that do it because they don't want to cut off that relationship. It's like they don't like someone, but they're not sure whether they might have a use for that person in the future. So they just ignore the person so that in the future, if they need them, they can just give some BS excuse like they were busy.
Back to the OP, just ask her. Get closure and move on. And at the least, if you ask her directly, she can't come back later and try to use you.
You can think I'm crappy. My reasoning was I thought SHE was crappy but really, that's my problem, not hers. I don't expect her to change those things about herself just because I don't like them. So I just distanced myself. She finally asked why, I told her, and she didn't like what she heard and wanted to argue why I was wrong. It was a waste of time.
Anonymous
08/08/2013 13:24
Subject: Re:Think friend has dropped me - should I ask what happened?
Maybe she just took a break or ended it on a note that lets leaves her with some scintilla of respect for you and herself.