Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

Oh, please, does it really impact OP's life? Or is it just a subtle, not-so-subtle-really attempt at one upmanship? No, obesity is not like alcoholism, drug addiction or second hand smoke. OP gets a not-to-subtle ego trip out of all of this, which is why, if OP really cares, she'll step back, not judge, like on her brother with compassion and MYOB!

OP, if you really want to bond with your brother, spend time with him around some common interest like planning a family reunion or holiday gathering. Develop a closer relationship with him based on mutual respect. Any clue that you lack compassion for him or equanimity about the subject will come through loud and clear. In fact, it's so clear now that you're getting overwhelmingly negative responses to your idea about intervening. Show you care in ways that will be received positively.

Anonymous wrote:Another annoying one - invite them out to lunch or over to dinner to specifically "Model" good eating habits for them. Show them how much you know about portion control and teach them how to order off the menu.

My brother made me a special plate for breakfast. Scrambled egg whites, dry toast, coffee with splenda and skim milk. Everyone else had regular scrambled eggs, OJ, toast with butter and jelly, bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different? [/quote]

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?[/quote]

When people with drug addictions or alcoholism need interventions it's usually gotten to the point where they've been arrested, lost jobs, have health problems, or aren't functioning in society. OP doesn't mention any health issues when she talks about her brother. If he had health issues related to the weight that would be a fair concern to express.

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

I would like to hear more comments about this position, because I agree with it completely. Virtually any other self-destructive behavior that loved ones engage in will bring about conversations, interventions, family meetings, you name it. Weight is the one taboo. Guess what, though... it DOES affect other people. It's not just about the brother who is obese. So why can't we talk about it?

I would not mention his weight, but instead try to figure out what might be stressing or upsetting him. Most likely he is self-medicating with food. I say this as someone who has been overweight, I have a morbidly obese cousins and I have read extensively about this.

If you are concerned he is depressed I think it's fine to say you seem down lately and I want you to know I am here for you if you want to talk or distract yourself doing something fun or whatever.

If you are concerned about all the stress in his life you could check in and see how he's doing and once again let him know you are there to talk etc.

My sister was obese growing up. She lost a lot of weight when she was 20 due to an illness (nothing serious, thankfully). After that inititial weight loss she was inspired and she lost a lot more weight on her own with diet and exercise. It felt more manageable. A smaller stomach and less weight to carry around made eating smaller portions and exercising much easier.
Her teenage years were hell. People called her fat all the time - at school, at the mall, even while on walks to try and lose the damn weight. People are SUCH assholes. She was an emotional eater and she still struggles with it.
It is extremely overwhelming to imagine losing 50 plus pounds. People who have never been overweight really just do not understand.
It's not the same as a drug addiction for several reasons. You have to eat to live, for one thing. You can change your lifestyle and leave drugs behind but you can't do the same with food. And when you are overweight, the whole world knows, and a large percentage of people in this world feel entitled or compelled to comment on it.
OP, I agree with PP who said that your brother knows he's fat. If he opens up to you about it then you can be supportive, but realize that he knows HOW to lose weight. He's just not there yet, for whatever reason. And expressing concern, however genuine it is, will not get him there.

Tread lightly and don't judge. If there's even a hint of sibling rivalry and/or ambivalence about this, DON'T. Instead, know that he -- like all of us in DC with weight problems -- is reminded of his weight issues a thousand times a day!

Appreciate him for his good qualities and support him as he does you.

PP, here. Wow! I'm sorry if I was unclear in my post. I in no way would ever suggest she killed her baby. Obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure (which according to such organizations as NIH increase risk of preeclampsia) complicated her pregnancy, but ultimately it was a terrible tragedy. And yes, as the friend who took off months to help care for her in her grief, I do love her dearly.
And I love her enough to be honest with her that when her doctors tell her it would be dangerous to get pregnant again as someone who is morbidly obese it is a serious matter.
She is wise enough to know this just as she l knows I care for her. To us, that friendship, honesty, and love is what matters.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with pps. My BFF of 22 years is morbidly obese. Her obesity led to major complications with her pregnancy. She developed preeclampsia, nearly died in OR during an emergency c-section, her baby was delivered at 24 weeks. The child died after 12 days.
Seven years later my friend is still morbidly obese, diabetic and infertile. Her doc has told her she might get pregnant again if she could lose 100 pounds. It is a daunting task for someone who has been obese her whole life.
At 38, her biological window is quickly closing to lose weight and try and get pregnant.
I only discuss weight with her when she brings it up. But as her best friend and someone who loves her I do think it's my responsibility to compassionately encourage her to do things to try and do all she can to lose weight.
My advice, OP, wait for an opening and kind but firm in discussing the life saving need to lose weight when that opening occurs.

Pre-eclampsia is not caused by obesity, you monstrous dipshit. Way to erroneously conclude that your so called BFF killed her own baby by being fat. With friends like you, who needs enemies?

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get these comments. When other loved ones engage in self-destructive behaviors, we aren't expected to stay quiet. What if her brother was an addict, or an alcoholic, or drove recklessly, or drove in a car without a seatbelt? Would she still have to keep her mouth shut? Of course not - so why is this different?

Because not all fat is a result of self-destructive behavior. I ate to cope with stress from being sexually abused at home and bullied at school when I was 12-13. That was self-preservation, not self-destruction. When I was older and safe, I got into therapy and found other coping mechanisms that were more positive. But make no mistake, I could have chosen worse. My brother got into drugs and died by suicide as an adult. Carrying some extra adipose tissue is a small price to pay for surviving my childhood intact.

Stop assuming all fat people are lazy or self-destructive.

Agree with pps. My BFF of 22 years is morbidly obese. Her obesity led to major complications with her pregnancy. She developed preeclampsia, nearly died in OR during an emergency c-section, her baby was delivered at 24 weeks. The child died after 12 days.
Seven years later my friend is still morbidly obese, diabetic and infertile. Her doc has told her she might get pregnant again if she could lose 100 pounds. It is a daunting task for someone who has been obese her whole life.
At 38, her biological window is quickly closing to lose weight and try and get pregnant.
I only discuss weight with her when she brings it up. But as her best friend and someone who loves her I do think it's my responsibility to compassionately encourage her to do things to try and do all she can to lose weight.
My advice, OP, wait for an opening and kind but firm in discussing the life saving need to lose weight when that opening occurs.

OP - nobody likes a know-it-all busy body. Try to see the good in others and compliment them on what they do well. Nobody appreciates having a spotlight shined on their faults. And nobody wants to spend time with a person who does that.

It's tough. My Brother, his wife, and his two daughters are morbidly obese. I was too but had surgery 7 years ago and now maintain a normal weight. I have suggested surgery but they insist it always fails. But I get it because before I had the surgery I said the same.

There is really nothing you can do.

Anonymous wrote:I predict that no matter what we tell her, the OP will either say something to her brother or make a dozen oblique comments that she deems subtle. This will, rightly, piss her brother off, driving a wedge between them.

OP will then feel wounded, as though she is the victim here.

And I'll bet that Brother could make some real commentary on the OP's not-so-perfect choices, too. If he wanted to....but that isn't his style.

I predict that no matter what we tell her, the OP will either say something to her brother or make a dozen oblique comments that she deems subtle. This will, rightly, piss her brother off, driving a wedge between them.

OP will then feel wounded, as though she is the victim here.