DH's sister cut us off 12 years ago. Stopped all contact, we caved in and kissed up to her and got her back into our lives (dumb). Two years ago she tried this crap again after we told her no and wouldn't let her walk all over us, and we have let her go. I told my DH to please see her whenever he wants to, but I am totally done. I am so much happier now that I don't have to dread seeing her!!

I cut off my mother because, as PP so eloquently put, "People who are toxic or crazy or abusive are "crazymakers" - they literally make the others around them feel crazy. That's what they do. Some of them even enjoy doing it." That's my mom, especially the last part. For me, getting healthy meant getting FAR away from my mom.

Sadly, my mother's other talent is roping people into her dramas. I was "punished" for defying her, moving away, and cutting her off. She told a bunch of lies and manipulated my family and even some less-than-close friends into cutting me out of their lives. She even stirred up drama with my in-laws! As sad as it makes me to lose contact with my sisters and my dad, if they're the type to turn against me without even giving me a chance to speak my piece, well... That's not how I see "family" and not what I want my kids to see of it, either.

Being sane, healthy and happy is worth the price.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never cut a family member off but have a family history of that happening at the grandparent level---both of my paternal grandparents were estranged from various siblings due to falling outs over property. I mention the family history only because it means that I grew up with the familial expectation that if you could not be civil to your fellow family members, then don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner.

Now I think about this issue a lot, as we have a teenager whom we adopted as an older child who has lots of oppositional defiance and anger issues. While I am doing everything in my power as a parent to get DC needed help in the form of therapy and providing loving consistency---on my darkest days I wonder what I will feel like if DC is still so volatile and difficult as an adult---it's the counterpoint to the toxic mother scenario---what if it is your child that is the toxic one?

OP here. My secret fear is that I'm the toxic one and I'm a nutter and I have it all wrong. Ugh.

OP, the fact that you are even self-aware enough to ask that is indicative that you are not the nutter. One of my psychologist friends once said that it wasn't the people with the pathologies that were in her office seeking help, it was the people who loved them.

People who are toxic or crazy or abusive are "crazymakers" - they literally make the others around them feel crazy. That's what they do. Some of them even enjoy doing it.

You are fine. And you are doing what's best for you and your family. I wish I could hug you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother cut me out of her life when asking me to leave a family event. Haven't spoken to her in over 10 years. She asked me to leave bc another family member and I were not getting along, and the other family member insisted I leave as soon as I arrived. Oh well.

I would have smacked both of you upside of the head for not getting along and then sent you both packing. I would then have told the rest of the family to turn their backs on the both of you - if you wanted family you would have to rely on each other. When you were ready to be civil to each other and respectful of our family again, we would all welcome you back.

I was not literally fighting with her at the time, she simply was angry at me and did not want me there. I was 19. My grandmother should have insisted that we choose to be civil or leave. That would not have been an issue for me.

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother cut me out of her life when asking me to leave a family event. Haven't spoken to her in over 10 years. She asked me to leave bc another family member and I were not getting along, and the other family member insisted I leave as soon as I arrived. Oh well.

I would have smacked both of you upside of the head for not getting along and then sent you both packing. I would then have told the rest of the family to turn their backs on the both of you - if you wanted family you would have to rely on each other. When you were ready to be civil to each other and respectful of our family again, we would all welcome you back.

My grandmother cut me out of her life when asking me to leave a family event. Haven't spoken to her in over 10 years. She asked me to leave bc another family member and I were not getting along, and the other family member insisted I leave as soon as I arrived. Oh well.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my MIL. It was such a peaceful and wonderful time without her dramas and tirades. A few years later she decided it was time to drive us nuts again. I was all....oh hell no...you said we were dead to you. I told my husband he could rise from the dead, but the kids and I are fine and relaxed down here in "dead to me" land.

I had a good LOL, thanks for posting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never cut a family member off but have a family history of that happening at the grandparent level---both of my paternal grandparents were estranged from various siblings due to falling outs over property. I mention the family history only because it means that I grew up with the familial expectation that if you could not be civil to your fellow family members, then don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner.

Now I think about this issue a lot, as we have a teenager whom we adopted as an older child who has lots of oppositional defiance and anger issues. While I am doing everything in my power as a parent to get DC needed help in the form of therapy and providing loving consistency---on my darkest days I wonder what I will feel like if DC is still so volatile and difficult as an adult---it's the counterpoint to the toxic mother scenario---what if it is your child that is the toxic one?

OP here. My secret fear is that I'm the toxic one and I'm a nutter and I have it all wrong. Ugh.

OP, in my experience, the people who wonder if maybe they are the crazy one when things get really weird never are. You just need a sounding board (like a good therapist?) to help you realize that. Chin up and keep protecting your sanity!

Singed,
Cut off my mentally ill sister after years and years and years of trying

My cousin is toxic and bad things happen when he is around. I just don't understand his behavior. His son was diagnosed with aspergers. Perhaps it was inherited from my cousin. This explains part of the problem. But too many things has happened between us to mend the bridge. I have cut him off and I have no regrets.

Anonymous wrote:I've never cut a family member off but have a family history of that happening at the grandparent level---both of my paternal grandparents were estranged from various siblings due to falling outs over property. I mention the family history only because it means that I grew up with the familial expectation that if you could not be civil to your fellow family members, then don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner.

Now I think about this issue a lot, as we have a teenager whom we adopted as an older child who has lots of oppositional defiance and anger issues. While I am doing everything in my power as a parent to get DC needed help in the form of therapy and providing loving consistency---on my darkest days I wonder what I will feel like if DC is still so volatile and difficult as an adult---it's the counterpoint to the toxic mother scenario---what if it is your child that is the toxic one?

OP here. My secret fear is that I'm the toxic one and I'm a nutter and I have it all wrong. Ugh.

I've never cut a family member off but have a family history of that happening at the grandparent level---both of my paternal grandparents were estranged from various siblings due to falling outs over property. I mention the family history only because it means that I grew up with the familial expectation that if you could not be civil to your fellow family members, then don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner.

Now I think about this issue a lot, as we have a teenager whom we adopted as an older child who has lots of oppositional defiance and anger issues. While I am doing everything in my power as a parent to get DC needed help in the form of therapy and providing loving consistency---on my darkest days I wonder what I will feel like if DC is still so volatile and difficult as an adult---it's the counterpoint to the toxic mother scenario---what if it is your child that is the toxic one?

DH's dad walked out and abandoned him, his mom and his siblings when dh was around preschool age. Did not come back into the picture until DH was about 30 and then, only because one of DH's siblings was dying. Kept in touch for probably less than a year at that time, then faded away again after the funeral... Has never met any of his half-dozen great grandchildren.

His loss. DH and the rest of his family, are awesome.

DH's father, as another relative says, is a chump.

Yes, my mother told me she was disowning me in my young 20's when I married a black man.

More than 2 years later I made the first move to help recreate a relationship.

That was a long time ago and she's dead now (and I am long divorced) but I'm glad I was able to be the bigger person and reach out.

She had a difficult family life and I think it made her demand/seek perfection from her children and she was so disappointed when her children were mere mortals.

It's a sad story almost no one in my life now knows but it shaped me & made me who I am.

My FIL was cut out of his mother's will. The mother lived with my in-laws in my in-laws' house, but the mother left everything to my FIL's sister and nothing to him. Guys came and took all of the mother's possessions out of their house - rugs, furniture, everything. My FIL never spoke to his sister after that. In addition to the possessions, she got about $250K.

I cut off my mentally ill mom. She is a toxic, venomous bitch. She brings absolutely no good to this world. After 20 years in therapy trying to figure out a way to have a relationship with her, I had to cut her out when she started her toxic sickness on my kids.
I can't change her or make her happy.