I was in my late 20s and dh was mid 20s. I had been on my own for years and he was living at home. I don't have a bad relationship with her, I just don't really like her. I wouldn't like her if she was only a coworker or neighbor or something...nothing to do with her being my MIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is the age of the man I think it is e age of the MIL. For somebody who is single into his 30's you Actually may end up in a situation where mommy was #1 for too long.

I think because I met my MIL when she was 46 she was just too young, going through menopause, etc. I think that added to her territorial nature.

I think if she had been older she may have been more mellow. My mom was in her 60's and was much more mellow.

Few 30 somethings have 46 year old (controlling!) mothers. Not unheard of but not at all typical.

Lots of 20 year olds have 46 yo moms.

Losts of 30+ have moms that have been #1 for too long.

I don't think it's age, I think it's the personalities of the man and of the mother in law (and the daughter in law of course).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine EVER calling my husband's mom a derogatory word. Ever. And I can't imagine my husband saying nasty things about MY mom.

Issues arise in almost every family at some point. No need to be nasty about it.

Must be nice to have a decent MIL.

It is. But even if I didn't, I love my husband and if HE values the relationship that he has with his parents than those people are important to me, too. I would never call the people that he loves nasty names because I love him. I hope that makes sense.

I would never call her a nasty name to her face - actually not really out loud at all. And I 100% support her relationship with my DH and my kids (within boundaries, of course). But I will never have a normal, happy relationship with her. I mourned that for a while after I realized it, but it is what it is.

Give it time and be patient. She may not be everything that you had hoped for in a MIL and maybe you're not everything that she had hoped for in a DIL, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have some good qualities. Accept her for the flawed human being that she is and don't expect her to be someone that she's not.

My DIL, a woman I have never met, spoke to only once, told my son I was retarded and crazy and he told me.

All because I asked for a picture of our grand child.

She now can kiss my ass and go to hell. And my son can also. He thought it was funny. I didn't.

When my first husband and I married we were in our twenties. I had no MIL issues. She was great, and never stepped on my toes.

Many years later, I got involved with a thirty-something guy who had never lived on his own, always with Mommy. I do not recommend this. A big part of it is cultural, but his mother has no boundaries and spends a great deal of time trying to manipulate us all to do what she wants. I see her doing it now, too, to his younger siblings who have just married outside their culture, to people who expect boundaries. I don't know if I should warn them to set boundaries now, or what. Younger people tend to be more malleable and accommodating, but it can backfire, as someone stated earlier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine EVER calling my husband's mom a derogatory word. Ever. And I can't imagine my husband saying nasty things about MY mom.

Issues arise in almost every family at some point. No need to be nasty about it.

Must be nice to have a decent MIL.

It is. But even if I didn't, I love my husband and if HE values the relationship that he has with his parents than those people are important to me, too. I would never call the people that he loves nasty names because I love him. I hope that makes sense.

I would never call her a nasty name to her face - actually not really out loud at all. And I 100% support her relationship with my DH and my kids (within boundaries, of course). But I will never have a normal, happy relationship with her. I mourned that for a while after I realized it, but it is what it is.

Yes OP, I totally agree -- have been with both and, while I like the flexibility of a younger man -- who is not so cemented in his ways -- I also like the more mature relationship that the older man has with his mother!

Not at the same time, but definitely a point for comparison that I had not previously considered!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine EVER calling my husband's mom a derogatory word. Ever. And I can't imagine my husband saying nasty things about MY mom.

Issues arise in almost every family at some point. No need to be nasty about it.

Must be nice to have a decent MIL.

It is. But even if I didn't, I love my husband and if HE values the relationship that he has with his parents than those people are important to me, too. I would never call the people that he loves nasty names because I love him. I hope that makes sense.

It makes sense that you have limited experience with difficult and/or toxic in laws. It's not a question of love, it's about healthy relationships and boundaries. There's a difference.

You will not have healthy relationships if you fail to establish healthy boundaries, I do know that. But you're right I have fairly limited experience in dealing with toxic people. That's true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine EVER calling my husband's mom a derogatory word. Ever. And I can't imagine my husband saying nasty things about MY mom.

Issues arise in almost every family at some point. No need to be nasty about it.

Must be nice to have a decent MIL.

It is. But even if I didn't, I love my husband and if HE values the relationship that he has with his parents than those people are important to me, too. I would never call the people that he loves nasty names because I love him. I hope that makes sense.

It makes sense that you have limited experience with difficult and/or toxic in laws. It's not a question of love, it's about healthy relationships and boundaries. There's a difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine EVER calling my husband's mom a derogatory word. Ever. And I can't imagine my husband saying nasty things about MY mom.

Issues arise in almost every family at some point. No need to be nasty about it.

Must be nice to have a decent MIL.

It is. But even if I didn't, I love my husband and if HE values the relationship that he has with his parents than those people are important to me, too. I would never call the people that he loves nasty names because I love him. I hope that makes sense.

Anonymous wrote:Not in our case. DH was in his 30s. He comes from a big family and she has not gotten along with anyone's spouse. The woman has countless cut offs because she burns through friends and family members so easily with her nastiness and manipulation. Once she burns through her new friends in an area, she just moves again, joins a church and starts over.

It sounds as though you have a fairly unique situation. I'm not far from 46 myself and my kids are much, much younger than 30. I married in my 30's but I was with my husband long before we tied the knot. No "in-law" problems on either side fortunately.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine EVER calling my husband's mom a derogatory word. Ever. And I can't imagine my husband saying nasty things about MY mom.

Issues arise in almost every family at some point. No need to be nasty about it.

Must be nice to have a decent MIL.

Not in our case. DH was in his 30s. He comes from a big family and she has not gotten along with anyone's spouse. The woman has countless cut offs because she burns through friends and family members so easily with her nastiness and manipulation. Once she burns through her new friends in an area, she just moves again, joins a church and starts over.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is the age of the man I think it is e age of the MIL. For somebody who is single into his 30's you Actually may end up in a situation where mommy was #1 for too long.

I think because I met my MIL when she was 46 she was just too young, going through menopause, etc. I think that added to her territorial nature.

I think if she had been older she may have been more mellow. My mom was in her 60's and was much more mellow.

Few 30 somethings have 46 year old (controlling!) mothers. Not unheard of but not at all typical.