Anonymous wrote:Having gone through the awful pain of infertility, I would have a hard time with that lunch. Pregnant friend knows that she is hurting the other. It is called lording it over. I well remember those "clueless ones" No one is that clueless. How many more months? then there will be the baby. Perhaps you could just say, sorry Suzie, pregnancy talk is making me nauseous? It is very presumptuous for a pregnant woman to talk on and on to others who are not in the same state. Unless it is your mother, who will then say. Suzie, shut up.

You need to look up definition of "ptesumptuous."

Pregnant women who go on about every detail of their pregmancy are boring and infertile women who are jealous are annoying and you should feel free to move on and talk with someone else.

Having gone through the awful pain of infertility, I would have a hard time with that lunch. Pregnant friend knows that she is hurting the other. It is called lording it over. I well remember those "clueless ones" No one is that clueless. How many more months? then there will be the baby. Perhaps you could just say, sorry Suzie, pregnancy talk is making me nauseous? It is very presumptuous for a pregnant woman to talk on and on to others who are not in the same state. Unless it is your mother, who will then say. Suzie, shut up.

I would take one for the other coworker and lie. I'd say to Pregnant Woman, "Actually, I don't want to broadcast this, but recently suffered a miscarriage, and while I'm ecstatic for you, would REALLY appreciate if you didn't constantly bring up your pregnancy in EVERY conversation. It really makes my heart sink. Ordinarily I wouldn't have said anything, but it's entirely possible other people are going through reproductive struggles also, and may feel the same way but not want to tell you."

Or I'd leave an anon printed doc on her chair while she's peeing now that she's pregnant, that says it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to referee the interaction between these two coworkers? In my experience, that never goes well. Let your infertile coworker make her own decisions and let your pregnant coworker do the same. It'll be way more awkward if you insert yourself in the middle of it.

Because infertile friend has told me how much it upsets her. She looks like she is about to cry every time pregnant friend says anything. Maybe I should just be quiet, but I really feel for infertile friend.

OP, sounds to me like you and "infertile friend" (really? that's how you're going to refer to her?) are having a great time talking shit about the other, which is just as bad if not worse than talking about pregnancy. If infertile friend is feeling so bad, why does she not just stop having lunch with her? What's more, why don't YOU just stop having lunch with her? Your friend who is struggling with fertility issues is probably going to have to figure out how she is going to deal with people who don't realize it, especially if she does not want to share her own problem, which is understandable. There's no "polite" way to tell someone to stop talking about something they care about. If you say something like this, your pregnant friend will be offended. Just about anyone would. The only thing to do is to try to contribute to other conversations. Or for your friend with infertility to say something herself. It's not your place to interfere here, and I do think that you and your friend are being very rude by talking behind her back - again, this is as rude as your other friend dominating conversations.

Wow, projecting much? Where do you find the IF friend and Op are "talking shit" about preggers? All she said was IF friend said "It is upsetting to me to hear pregnancy talk all the time" and she looks like she's going to cry - if you think that's "talking shit" you must think the whole world always talks shit and you must not be able to decipher different emotions.


OP - Honestly, sounds like your IF friend needs to find other things to do during lunch. You should continue eating lunch with preggers because it's not really her fault and like this other pp said, she's not a mind reader - you and IF shouldn't alienate preggers, but if you keep having lunch with preggers and IF finds other things to do during lunch for a while (or maybe 3 times a week or something) until she gets stronger, it might solve the problem. Another option is for you and IF to find activities to do during lunch - go shopping, power-walk, etc. that preggers will probably decline doing...you know.....because of the pregnancy so it won't feel like you're rejecting her, but she'll make the option of not joining you.

Infertile woman can speak, correct? Let her speak up, not you. Why are you being the middle man? If it doesn't bother you that she speaks about her pregnancy, then let it be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to referee the interaction between these two coworkers? In my experience, that never goes well. Let your infertile coworker make her own decisions and let your pregnant coworker do the same. It'll be way more awkward if you insert yourself in the middle of it.

Because infertile friend has told me how much it upsets her. She looks like she is about to cry every time pregnant friend says anything. Maybe I should just be quiet, but I really feel for infertile friend.

OP, sounds to me like you and "infertile friend" (really? that's how you're going to refer to her?) are having a great time talking shit about the other, which is just as bad if not worse than talking about pregnancy. If infertile friend is feeling so bad, why does she not just stop having lunch with her? What's more, why don't YOU just stop having lunch with her? Your friend who is struggling with fertility issues is probably going to have to figure out how she is going to deal with people who don't realize it, especially if she does not want to share her own problem, which is understandable. There's no "polite" way to tell someone to stop talking about something they care about. If you say something like this, your pregnant friend will be offended. Just about anyone would. The only thing to do is to try to contribute to other conversations. Or for your friend with infertility to say something herself. It's not your place to interfere here, and I do think that you and your friend are being very rude by talking behind her back - again, this is as rude as your other friend dominating conversations.

I think you have misunderstood. We don't really discuss pregnant friend at all. And I am calling her infertile friend here for simplicity. I was calling her other woman, but I switched to make it clearer. Thanks for your help, though.

Seems as though I struck a nerve with you. Maybe the prattling on bit?

"Because infertile friend has told me how much it upsets her. She looks like she is about to cry every time pregnant friend says anything. Maybe I should just be quiet, but I really feel for infertile friend."

The pregnant friend is not a mind reader. Someone has to tell her directly what is going on or she won't shut the fuck up. Why would she?

If you don't, she will continue to talk about the pregnancy, the delivery, the new baby, ad nauseum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to referee the interaction between these two coworkers? In my experience, that never goes well. Let your infertile coworker make her own decisions and let your pregnant coworker do the same. It'll be way more awkward if you insert yourself in the middle of it.

Because infertile friend has told me how much it upsets her. She looks like she is about to cry every time pregnant friend says anything. Maybe I should just be quiet, but I really feel for infertile friend.

OP, sounds to me like you and "infertile friend" (really? that's how you're going to refer to her?) are having a great time talking shit about the other, which is just as bad if not worse than talking about pregnancy. If infertile friend is feeling so bad, why does she not just stop having lunch with her? What's more, why don't YOU just stop having lunch with her? Your friend who is struggling with fertility issues is probably going to have to figure out how she is going to deal with people who don't realize it, especially if she does not want to share her own problem, which is understandable. There's no "polite" way to tell someone to stop talking about something they care about. If you say something like this, your pregnant friend will be offended. Just about anyone would. The only thing to do is to try to contribute to other conversations. Or for your friend with infertility to say something herself. It's not your place to interfere here, and I do think that you and your friend are being very rude by talking behind her back - again, this is as rude as your other friend dominating conversations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to referee the interaction between these two coworkers? In my experience, that never goes well. Let your infertile coworker make her own decisions and let your pregnant coworker do the same. It'll be way more awkward if you insert yourself in the middle of it.

+1 Although watching it unfold could be awkward.

Honestly, whenever some one has a problem with another person's behavior and tries to address it indirectly, ie through others, it comes out way more hurtful than if the offended just directly told the offender - "hey, I'm having a hard time with this, would you mind if we talk about something else?"

So, the answer is no, there is no polite way to do this? Darn.

Well, I was going to suggest iphone/ear buds as a way to fake not hearing her talk. At lunch, this wouldn't work! Agree that it may be best to yes, limit listening her talk about it constantly b/c thats just annoying, but let the other woman decide for herself what to do. I have dealt with years of infertility myself and know it sucks, although I have managed to have 1 child and am pregnant with my second (after 6 ivfs) so I cannot put myself in your coworkers exact shoes. We all have to make choices like this in life...some people talk freely about their suffering and some keep it private. There are personal benefits to both and privacy is her decision, and this is just an unfortunate drawback.

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to referee the interaction between these two coworkers? In my experience, that never goes well. Let your infertile coworker make her own decisions and let your pregnant coworker do the same. It'll be way more awkward if you insert yourself in the middle of it.

+1 Although watching it unfold could be awkward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to referee the interaction between these two coworkers? In my experience, that never goes well. Let your infertile coworker make her own decisions and let your pregnant coworker do the same. It'll be way more awkward if you insert yourself in the middle of it.

Because infertile friend has told me how much it upsets her. She looks like she is about to cry every time pregnant friend says anything. Maybe I should just be quiet, but I really feel for infertile friend.

Infertile friend needs to say something!!! Sure the pregnant woman sounds completely and utterly clueless, but it sounds like she's not going to get it unless something is said to her.

And if it's upsetting infertile friend so much and she can't bring herself to say anything, she should remove herself from the lunches.

I think you are being very thoughtful, but this really isn't your problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work with a woman who is sweet but a little clueless. She talks incessantly about her pregnancy (not even a first pregnancy). Non-stop. If it was just that, I would kind of roll my eyes and move on. However, there is another woman at work who has been going through fertility treatments for years, had a failed adoption and has recently decided to take a break from it all. Pregnant woman does not know about this and other woman doesn't want to broadcast it. Other woman obviously feels upset that pregnant woman prattles on and on. How can I get pregnant woman to be quiet without outing other woman?

What is she prattling on about? Pregnancy symptoms? Nursery decorating? If you are in the conversation with her and the other woman, I would just try to steer the conversation away.
E.g.:
Pregnant woman: "Wow, I can't believe how bloated I feel this time around. Can you believe it?"
You: "Yeah, that must be terrible. So...last night DH and I watched the first episode of Downton Abby. Can you believe I've waited this long to watch it?

Why be a bitch? it does not sound as cool as you think it does.