Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

All u mentioned were the differences NOT THE WAYS THAT SHE DEMONSTRATES SHE HATES YOU
Most of the things you mentioned were lifestyle choice differences...
Not true core values differences

"BTW... in a weird attempt to self improve, would any of you mind pointing out what sounded "superior" on my part? I'd like to think of us as being different, but if I'm coming off as superior here, maybe I'm coming off that way in person. I don't want to offend her in any way."

Drop the shallow, superficial persona.

Her being moody towards your kids is a legitimate concern that I think you are well within your rights to ask her to change that. The other stuff is trivial and you should not be wasting brain space thinking about or comparing it. It is not a big deal. You do not need to be her BFF, just polite and kind.

I am no crazy about my SIL either. She is constantly trying to take advantage of me, DS and his parents. But I try not to focus on it, be as pleasant as I can, and draw boundaries firmly but kindly.

Number of condiments bothers you?

OP, I am a different race, a different religion, and the kicker- a vegetarian who married into a Midwestern, meat-eating family (they once had 4 types of meat for dinner, plus some potatoes and corn as the vegetables). Yeah, we're different, though 9 years later, most of the anti-vegetarian comments have stopped, though I still hear racist remarks (not against my race, but other non-white races).

OP, I think you're not looking at big picture things and instead focusing on small picture things--details like mustard and laundry are things that just don't matter in the big picture of things. You seem like you are judging someone on very superficial, dumb things that are just lifestyle preferences. I don't think from your description that your sister in law sounds "free spirited." She is just making different choices based on different priorities/lifestyle preferences, and you are judging her based on those. I wouldn't want to be judged by what's in my fridge or on the state of my laundry, because these things are "small potatoes" that really don't matter, compared to big things like how she treats others, considerateness, etc. I am different from many of my friends for a variety of reasons, and while I might briefly notice that their house is much messier than mine or that they only eat frozen dinners, what does that matter in the big picture of the friendship? The way you are judging your SIL makes you seem very superior because you're saying that your lifestyle choices and preferences are superior to hers, and that makes you seem very petty.

Anyhow, I am as different from my in-laws as it can get and we also don't get along. But these differences/not getting along are because of big reasons, such as the fact that my FIL is an absentee father who shows no interest in his own son and who has only visited us once in 10 years, not that he only vacations in Florida and only eats at Applebee's.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you asked for input on what made you come across as acting superior on this thread. I agree with the PPs who think your whole list of direct comparisons made you seem as if all of your choices were better, not just different. Also you now say they are trivial differences, but look at your thread title. I just want to add something else that we can't weigh in on. We don't know your tone of voice or word choices when you are interacting with your SIL. We don't know if you ever comment out loud on any of the differences. Even if you think you are keeping your thoughts to yourself, maybe she is picking up on your judgments of her, even though you think she is the judgmental one.

But in your favor, I think it's great that you are open-minded enough and interested in self-improvement to ask for the input, and that you are able to step back and share in laughing at yourself when reading the responses.

If you could attempt to have a lighter outlook in dealing with your SIL and laugh off the differences instead of being aghast at the number of duplicate open jars in her fridge, that would help.

I certainly hope my extended family does not judge me by my housekeeping or the hours I keep. That does not make me SO different from them... on the inside, anyhow... or even if we are SO different in our personalities or world views, too, I like to think that we at least respect and tolerate each other. Hope you and your SIL can find the same equilibrium.

OP Here. Thank you so much for the positive and encouraging response. You make me want to be a better in law.

OP, you asked for input on what made you come across as acting superior on this thread. I agree with the PPs who think your whole list of direct comparisons made you seem as if all of your choices were better, not just different. Also you now say they are trivial differences, but look at your thread title. I just want to add something else that we can't weigh in on. We don't know your tone of voice or word choices when you are interacting with your SIL. We don't know if you ever comment out loud on any of the differences. Even if you think you are keeping your thoughts to yourself, maybe she is picking up on your judgments of her, even though you think she is the judgmental one.

But in your favor, I think it's great that you are open-minded enough and interested in self-improvement to ask for the input, and that you are able to step back and share in laughing at yourself when reading the responses.

If you could attempt to have a lighter outlook in dealing with your SIL and laugh off the differences instead of being aghast at the number of duplicate open jars in her fridge, that would help.

I certainly hope my extended family does not judge me by my housekeeping or the hours I keep. That does not make me SO different from them... on the inside, anyhow... or even if we are SO different in our personalities or world views, too, I like to think that we at least respect and tolerate each other. Hope you and your SIL can find the same equilibrium.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

OP here.

Weeeelllllll, SIL is sometimey.... sometimes nice, sometimes not-so-nice. Moody is a better word. Sometimes she is moody with my children. Sometimes she'll say hello, sometimes she won't. When this happens, I typically say hello first so she knows I'm being nice. But if I were in a pinch and needed her help, she absolutely would help me, and I would do the same for her.

So, moving on.... how does one choose not be "judgey?" I want to make up my mind not to be this way.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really do want to be better. And no, this is not a TROLL post. Its real. And I came here because I knew I'd get a good dose of reality.

My in laws come to my house and leave their stuff all over my kitchen counter. Purses, wallets, random papers, gum.You name it. I can't stand it. Petty? Yes. Annoying? Yes. But do I tell them? No.

OP, good for you for coming here to let it all out. I feel your pain!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

People notice, sure, but we don't put the time and effort into making a direct comparison list. That means you don't see them as trivial. Also people who aren't judgey don't use "trivial" lifetyle differences to determine that they aren't compatible with someone? Are they good people? Compassionate? Ethical? Willing to help out others? Your post give the impression that all you see is mustard and laundry.

Cut op some slack. You saw the title of the post "Vent alert." Its just a vent.

FWIW op, my in laws eat crap and think I am "uppity" for not doing the same.

Anonymous wrote:Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

OP here. because I noticed the differences. I was trying to see if others noticed other trivial things like this with their in laws.

Your entire list of differences made you sound like you felt superior. Why did you feel the need to point those things o ut?

i could say the same thing about my sil and her husband. my dh sees it too.
i probably could also say the same thing about my siblings, cousins, etc. to each their own. everyone does things their own way.