Anonymous wrote:I think the OP is depressed.

Also, I think depression can be a cop-out while still being true. Depressed people don't want to deal with stuff, so they use it as an excuse, which makes them more depressed, ...

It's a downward cycle.

I am one of the PP who said it can be a cop out. I was recently diagnosed with cancer and since beginning treatment I am exhausted. I have definitely had people badgering me about why I'm not at whatever, don't do whatever, and I have snapped and said it's because I have cancer. I do have to frequently remind myself I have to keep the rest of my life going even though I'm exhausted and uncomfortable. I know many others, including close family members, who play the "poor me" card and just do nothing. They let their affliction define them. It is a cop out for them.

I think the OP is depressed.

Also, I think depression can be a cop-out while still being true. Depressed people don't want to deal with stuff, so they use it as an excuse, which makes them more depressed, ...

It's a downward cycle.

OP are these people DIAGNOSED as having a depression disorder...or are they just SAYING they are depressed.
If they are diagnosed...then you need to work with them and their medical/mental health providers to understand the disease and how to work with them to be as emotionally, and relationally healthy as possible...
U need to educate yourself.

Anonymous wrote:For all the people telling OP he needs some sympathy, are you suffering from depression?

My mom is bi-polar. Am I supposed to give her carte Blanche for years of physical and emotional abuse because she was depressed? If your illness is impacting how other people live and grow up, maybe you need to fine tune your own empathy. I get that my mom was and is sick. But she acts like I am supposed to be Suzy Sunshine with her. She dismisses her behavior with, "that was the depression talking." I've been hearing that since I was three. When do I get the right to protect myself emotionally?

Behavior, intended of not, has consequences and can damage relationships and people.

Sorry to hear this...I cannot imagine growing up in a household with someone with a severe mental illness.
However, you have to remember that if someone has a DIAGNOSED mental illness then they have a MENTAL ILLNESS.
It is a little silly for someone to expect them to make sane and emotionally, and mentally healthy decisions when they have a diagnosed MENTAL illness.
What you have to do is recognize where they are in treatment and decide what your personal boundaries are...if you are being emotionally abused...u may have to limit or cut out contact.

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness like any illness can absolutely become an excuse for behavior. That doesn't mean the illness isn't real but people still make choices, depressed or not. They might not choose to have depression but they can choose to get help and to manage it. The vast majority of people with depression are not spending their lives lying on couches watching TV all day while the one family member who isn't depressed does all the work. Depression is not an excuse to treat people badly. Depression also does lead to many self-depreciating thoughts, leading to people feeling sorry for themselves and often leads to even less motivation and less action. it can be a vicious cycle. Having someone enable them to lie on a couch all day is actually really bad for the depression and likely to make it worse or last longer. Any decent therapist / doctor treating someone with depression will encourage them to get up, get dressed, do exercise, get out of the house, maintain basic routines etc... They will not tell them that having depression means you do nothing and other people take care of you all day.

OP- most of the people here giving you a hard time obviously do not understand depression. Being the caregiver for a family of people with mental illnesses is incredibly exhausting and frustrating. You need to get support for yourself and figure out what boundaries to set and how to keep yourself healthy. Your daughter needs you as well to be healthy.

You obviously haven't read what "most people here" have actually said. We're agreeing with you but taking exception to calling mental illness a "cop out."

Mental illness like any illness can absolutely become an excuse for behavior. That doesn't mean the illness isn't real but people still make choices, depressed or not. They might not choose to have depression but they can choose to get help and to manage it. The vast majority of people with depression are not spending their lives lying on couches watching TV all day while the one family member who isn't depressed does all the work. Depression is not an excuse to treat people badly. Depression also does lead to many self-depreciating thoughts, leading to people feeling sorry for themselves and often leads to even less motivation and less action. it can be a vicious cycle. Having someone enable them to lie on a couch all day is actually really bad for the depression and likely to make it worse or last longer. Any decent therapist / doctor treating someone with depression will encourage them to get up, get dressed, do exercise, get out of the house, maintain basic routines etc... They will not tell them that having depression means you do nothing and other people take care of you all day.

OP- most of the people here giving you a hard time obviously do not understand depression. Being the caregiver for a family of people with mental illnesses is incredibly exhausting and frustrating. You need to get support for yourself and figure out what boundaries to set and how to keep yourself healthy. Your daughter needs you as well to be healthy.

OK I'll try to give some perspective as someone who has suffered from depression my whole life. I'm not talking just minor mood swings and crying fits. I mean debilitating, crippling, relationship destroying depression.

OP, I certainly understand where you are coming from. Depression can appear like such a selfish disease to those who have the ability to pull themselves by the boot straps (like you). It IS selfish to suffer from depression for extended period of time and not get treatment for it. It can appear as laziness and a cop-out when you are unable to get out of bed and function. Luckily, I've managed to "fake it" every time I had a major onset (meaning, I was able to get out of bed, go to work, care for my child, etc.). It doesn't mean that I did it well, but I did it. I suffered from horrible post partum and begged my partner to take it seriously and be understanding while I worked through it. He chose to leave. To his credit, I was pretty difficult to be around (very angry and combative), but I kept telling him that I would get better. He didn't believe me (or in the fact that my depression was serious). I got better, just as I thought i would, with meds and support from other people in my life. I am beyond happy that I am able to be a mom that my son deserves and I think that my ex acted selfishly and prematurely in leaving. Perhaps he could have had a good partner if he stuck around, but I understand now why it was hard.

All of this to say, you don't have to create excuses to people with depression, but I think calling it a cop out and "lazy" is not productive. You can certainly require (as you should) that they get treatment and meds, and you don't have to neglect yourself in the process, but this is a sickness and it's certainly wasn't something I could just snap out of.

Just my experience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can see that the haters are out in force today. You all better hope that you never fall victim to generalized anxiety or depression or have a child diagnosed with ADHD or autism. You're just asking for karma to kick you squarely in the ass.

Sorry you can't handle your little snowflake.

I'm sorry you can't come up with a better retort than that, or that you don't have anything more intelligent to say. It is perfectly fine to say that depression or other mental illness does not give a person carte blanche to treat others badly - I 100% agree with that as someone who works very hard to keep anxiety and depression under control and has limited my contact with family members who don't. I get that. But to claim that these illnesses are a "cop out" implies that you believe that they are make believe, when they are very much real and, for some people, nearly impossible to manage. For my own sanity I limit contact with some family whose issues are quite severe, but I would never suggest that they are faking their illness and I am able to maintain sympathy for them. Can you?

Well put. Like most things in life, these issues are not black and white. Every person and every relationship is different. You can draw boundaries to protect yourself without dismissing or insulting the very real fact of mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can see that the haters are out in force today. You all better hope that you never fall victim to generalized anxiety or depression or have a child diagnosed with ADHD or autism. You're just asking for karma to kick you squarely in the ass.

Or perhaps if we do "fall victim", I will remember how being beaten by my bipolar mother impacted me. I actually have dealt with anxiety and depression. But I don't loose sight of how my illness, if I am not careful, can damage others. Depression is not an excuse to treat people like they are less than human.

No one said that it was, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can see that the haters are out in force today. You all better hope that you never fall victim to generalized anxiety or depression or have a child diagnosed with ADHD or autism. You're just asking for karma to kick you squarely in the ass.

Sorry you can't handle your little snowflake.

I'm sorry you can't come up with a better retort than that, or that you don't have anything more intelligent to say. It is perfectly fine to say that depression or other mental illness does not give a person carte blanche to treat others badly - I 100% agree with that as someone who works very hard to keep anxiety and depression under control and has limited my contact with family members who don't. I get that. But to claim that these illnesses are a "cop out" implies that you believe that they are make believe, when they are very much real and, for some people, nearly impossible to manage. For my own sanity I limit contact with some family whose issues are quite severe, but I would never suggest that they are faking their illness and I am able to maintain sympathy for them. Can you?

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can see that the haters are out in force today. You all better hope that you never fall victim to generalized anxiety or depression or have a child diagnosed with ADHD or autism. You're just asking for karma to kick you squarely in the ass.

Or perhaps if we do "fall victim", I will remember how being beaten by my bipolar mother impacted me. I actually have dealt with anxiety and depression. But I don't loose sight of how my illness, if I am not careful, can damage others. Depression is not an excuse to treat people like they are less than human.

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can see that the haters are out in force today. You all better hope that you never fall victim to generalized anxiety or depression or have a child diagnosed with ADHD or autism. You're just asking for karma to kick you squarely in the ass.

Sorry you can't handle your little snowflake.

Anonymous wrote:For all the people telling OP he needs some sympathy, are you suffering from depression?

My mom is bi-polar. Am I supposed to give her carte Blanche for years of physical and emotional abuse because she was depressed? If your illness is impacting how other people live and grow up, maybe you need to fine tune your own empathy. I get that my mom was and is sick. But she acts like I am supposed to be Suzy Sunshine with her. She dismisses her behavior with, "that was the depression talking." I've been hearing that since I was three. When do I get the right to protect myself emotionally?

Behavior, intended of not, has consequences and can damage relationships and people.

OP here - you said in kinder and more succinct terms - EXACTLY what I'm getting at and trying to express. It's as if those of us who fought through the depression and or overcome it are the ones who have to accommodate and acclimate to the needs of the depressed. After YEARS and literally a LIFETIME of doing it - when is enough is enough. Ultimately, we're the ones left sacrificing our lives, jobs, careers, friends and happiness for others.
There are at times when I'm at family gatherings with my depressed family members. I'll sit back and listen to them talk. They talk about their therapists, their meds and their "bad days" as if it is something they have accepted. I never once here about what they think they've done to hurt their spouses, siblings or children.

Well, I can see that the haters are out in force today. You all better hope that you never fall victim to generalized anxiety or depression or have a child diagnosed with ADHD or autism. You're just asking for karma to kick you squarely in the ass.

OP, I'm with you. I think depression, ADHD, and frequently even autism now are cop outs.