Anonymous
07/03/2013 18:45
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
OP, I'm sympathetic to your concerns.
My kids are preteens now, but years ago, at some family function, a relative asked my MIL what she'd do once she (soon) retired. My MIL, without hesitation, said, "I plan to raise my grandchildren." The only grandchildren she had then were my two children. I was a SAHM then and now and thought that was an odd and presumptuous comment to make and it was directed at me.
Fast forward many years later and my MIL is still pushing boundaries. I push back and set firmer boundaries. I never asked her nor wanted her to "raise" my children.
Set your boundaries and stand firm. Sometimes, the grandparents don't realize that becoming a grandparent doesn't equate to becoming a parent again.
My kids are preteens now, but years ago, at some family function, a relative asked my MIL what she'd do once she (soon) retired. My MIL, without hesitation, said, "I plan to raise my grandchildren." The only grandchildren she had then were my two children. I was a SAHM then and now and thought that was an odd and presumptuous comment to make and it was directed at me.
Fast forward many years later and my MIL is still pushing boundaries. I push back and set firmer boundaries. I never asked her nor wanted her to "raise" my children.
Set your boundaries and stand firm. Sometimes, the grandparents don't realize that becoming a grandparent doesn't equate to becoming a parent again.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 18:19
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
Anonymous wrote:"OP here again. FWIW, my grandparents never had baby rooms for me, my siblings and cousins and they were still great. All of that stuff was on my parents. Is this a new babyboomer thing or something?"
It's mentioned in Father's Little Dividend (1951). Seems like an upper middle class thing for bored, aging SAHMs.
Yes. As my dad always says "too much money, too much time"
Anonymous
07/03/2013 18:16
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
"OP here again. FWIW, my grandparents never had baby rooms for me, my siblings and cousins and they were still great. All of that stuff was on my parents. Is this a new babyboomer thing or something?"
It's mentioned in Father's Little Dividend (1951). Seems like an upper middle class thing for bored, aging SAHMs.
It's mentioned in Father's Little Dividend (1951). Seems like an upper middle class thing for bored, aging SAHMs.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 18:08
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
i agree with op, i wouldn't tell her about the move if it isn't 100%.
i would be clear to her what your expectations are but at the end of the day, let her do as she pleases. for example, if she incessantly is talking about how she plans to stay with you for six weeks after the baby is born but you intend for her to only stay a week, let her know very clearly. and if she talks about the stroller she plans on buying for her house, you can remind her that it isn't necessary because you will be bringing your stroller whenever you visit but at the end of the day let her throw the money away on something she doesn't need.
and yes, i think its so weird that grandmas are really into buying everything for baby. my mom and aunt both did this and i found it so strange. my aunt bought a crib, glider, changing table, bassinet, car seat, infant bath, high chair and a million other things for her first grandchild that lives less than two hours away. its insane.
i would be clear to her what your expectations are but at the end of the day, let her do as she pleases. for example, if she incessantly is talking about how she plans to stay with you for six weeks after the baby is born but you intend for her to only stay a week, let her know very clearly. and if she talks about the stroller she plans on buying for her house, you can remind her that it isn't necessary because you will be bringing your stroller whenever you visit but at the end of the day let her throw the money away on something she doesn't need.
and yes, i think its so weird that grandmas are really into buying everything for baby. my mom and aunt both did this and i found it so strange. my aunt bought a crib, glider, changing table, bassinet, car seat, infant bath, high chair and a million other things for her first grandchild that lives less than two hours away. its insane.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 17:47
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
Anonymous wrote:Hi Op,
I really want to take you out for coffee. I could have written your post. My mother just sent me a picture of the bugaboo she bought for her house. She also bought the same crib (except the $200 upgraded version) and a copy of everything that was on my registry! I don't think she realizes that we aren't visiting bi weekly (she lives in ATL and I live in DC). Meanwhile the in laws who live five minutes away think they might get their own carseat sometime before or after they get back from their 9th trip of the year. Meanwhile, my mom keeps asking when "we" are taking a trip together. I told her that my dh and I and baby might go to the beach as a family of three this fall (baby due this month) and she cannot handle not being invited (i'll miss his first time at the beach!!!) She can't handle not being invited on ANY trip I take. Meanwhile she hasn't planned or taken a trip without me since her mother was alive (20 years ago)..
While all the enthusiasm is great, it's overwhelming and not very helpful for my sanity. I don't like the pressure of being her reason for living. However when I hint at that, she goes crazy and tells me how "busy" her life is. She hasn't worked since she was younger than me!
Meanwhile she keeps asking me if I'm moving back to atlanta. Today she called wanting to know if she should leave me her house in the will (code for: are you moving back to atlanta)
I don't have a miracle solution. I just stick to my guns and give her about 2 months notice on things that will make her explode. I avoid talking to her a lot because I can't handle the crazy. I think she's under the impression that she's moving in for a month after the baby comes. Not. Happening. 5 days? Sure. 4 weeks? No.
Ahhhhhh. Good luck and stay strong!
Wow - to PP and OP. I think I have a taste of what I'm in for soon. My mother announced at my WEDDING shower that as soon as I tell her I'm pregnant they'll put their house on the market. They are in the mid-west and cannot afford to live in D.C. unless they un-retire, but who cares about reality? She has even said "wouldn't it be nice if you could buy a house with an in-law suite". Obviously she hasn't been looking at Zillow too hard for a NOVA house to smother me from - the price their house will list for in Ohio is less than what DH and I have saved for our down payment and moving costs when we buy in the next year. I have given up trying to please her. Every time I give a little, she pushes for more more more. I just try to remind myself I am not responsible for her happiness. On the bright side when she gets all dramatic I just end the conversation. It seems to have trained her well to be less pushy about frequent visits.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 17:39
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
It would really bother me if my parents planned their retirement activities around my kids.
On the other hand, I have kind of the opposite problem--my parents rarely see my kids and I feel sorry my kids basically don't know them.
OP, just be aware that you may be kind of hormonal and defensive and it sounds like your relationship with your folks is not so great as it is. Try to be gentle and remember that this is a big deal in their life, too, even as you set boundaries.
On the other hand, I have kind of the opposite problem--my parents rarely see my kids and I feel sorry my kids basically don't know them.
OP, just be aware that you may be kind of hormonal and defensive and it sounds like your relationship with your folks is not so great as it is. Try to be gentle and remember that this is a big deal in their life, too, even as you set boundaries.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 17:15
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
Hi Op,
I really want to take you out for coffee. I could have written your post. My mother just sent me a picture of the bugaboo she bought for her house. She also bought the same crib (except the $200 upgraded version) and a copy of everything that was on my registry! I don't think she realizes that we aren't visiting bi weekly (she lives in ATL and I live in DC). Meanwhile the in laws who live five minutes away think they might get their own carseat sometime before or after they get back from their 9th trip of the year. Meanwhile, my mom keeps asking when "we" are taking a trip together. I told her that my dh and I and baby might go to the beach as a family of three this fall (baby due this month) and she cannot handle not being invited (i'll miss his first time at the beach!!!) She can't handle not being invited on ANY trip I take. Meanwhile she hasn't planned or taken a trip without me since her mother was alive (20 years ago)..
While all the enthusiasm is great, it's overwhelming and not very helpful for my sanity. I don't like the pressure of being her reason for living. However when I hint at that, she goes crazy and tells me how "busy" her life is. She hasn't worked since she was younger than me!
Meanwhile she keeps asking me if I'm moving back to atlanta. Today she called wanting to know if she should leave me her house in the will (code for: are you moving back to atlanta)
I don't have a miracle solution. I just stick to my guns and give her about 2 months notice on things that will make her explode. I avoid talking to her a lot because I can't handle the crazy. I think she's under the impression that she's moving in for a month after the baby comes. Not. Happening. 5 days? Sure. 4 weeks? No.
Ahhhhhh. Good luck and stay strong!
I really want to take you out for coffee. I could have written your post. My mother just sent me a picture of the bugaboo she bought for her house. She also bought the same crib (except the $200 upgraded version) and a copy of everything that was on my registry! I don't think she realizes that we aren't visiting bi weekly (she lives in ATL and I live in DC). Meanwhile the in laws who live five minutes away think they might get their own carseat sometime before or after they get back from their 9th trip of the year. Meanwhile, my mom keeps asking when "we" are taking a trip together. I told her that my dh and I and baby might go to the beach as a family of three this fall (baby due this month) and she cannot handle not being invited (i'll miss his first time at the beach!!!) She can't handle not being invited on ANY trip I take. Meanwhile she hasn't planned or taken a trip without me since her mother was alive (20 years ago)..
While all the enthusiasm is great, it's overwhelming and not very helpful for my sanity. I don't like the pressure of being her reason for living. However when I hint at that, she goes crazy and tells me how "busy" her life is. She hasn't worked since she was younger than me!
Meanwhile she keeps asking me if I'm moving back to atlanta. Today she called wanting to know if she should leave me her house in the will (code for: are you moving back to atlanta)
I don't have a miracle solution. I just stick to my guns and give her about 2 months notice on things that will make her explode. I avoid talking to her a lot because I can't handle the crazy. I think she's under the impression that she's moving in for a month after the baby comes. Not. Happening. 5 days? Sure. 4 weeks? No.
Ahhhhhh. Good luck and stay strong!
Anonymous
07/03/2013 15:17
Subject: Re:mother investing a lot into expectations
My parents pushed hard to live in an upper-middle class neighborhood that they couldn't quite afford. Had my mother worked full time I think they'd have been fine, but she didn't. When my brother and I were old enough to look back and understand what went on, we agreed we wish they would have lived more within their means. We could have been two towns over in one direction or one town over in another (10-15 minutes away) and still gone to very good public schools. But we wouldn't have been in the situation of having only one Champion sweatshirt when every kid around us had five. On three-day weekends everyone from school except us wouldn't have been jetting off to Florida. In the summer weekends, we were just ... at home. Which would have been perfectly fine if all our friends were also at home, but they were away at their summer homes.
OP, continue on with your plan to move 10 hours away. Live within your means. Your kid will thank you for it.
OP, continue on with your plan to move 10 hours away. Live within your means. Your kid will thank you for it.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 15:02
Subject: Re:mother investing a lot into expectations
Anonymous wrote:OP here again. FWIW, my grandparents never had baby rooms for me, my siblings and cousins and they were still great. All of that stuff was on my parents. Is this a new babyboomer thing or something?[/quote]
I don't know if it is a babyboomer thing or not but it sounds to me like your mom's friends who have grandkids over all the time are part of the reason for her wanting to have a baby room. My mom has two very good friends who take care of their grandkids before and after school and (since the kids are still in pre-K and lower elementary school) they each have two car seats in their cars all the time. My mother, who has a FT job, insisted that she needed to get two car seats to have in her car for the times when she is babysitting my kids. She does help with the kids as much as she can but certainly not everyday and when there are occassions where she is taking both kids with her, she can always borrow my car. There is NO reason for her to have two car seats in her car at all times when she really only drives them around MAYBE 10-15 times a year. And again, she could use my car during those times (I take the train to work and we have two cars). She also has a room at her house that is full of toys, a toddler bed in one bedroom, etc, etc even though the kids only sleep there a half a dozen times a year.
I think for my mom, she would love to be the kind of grandma that could be around the kids all the time but she can't afford to retire yet so she has no other choice. It kills her that she can't be like her friends so if she can't do what they are doing, she can at least have the "room" that makes her feel like she is one of them. So, while it may not make logistical sense to you, it makes her feel better and really doesn't cause you any harm. Let her do what makes her happy and try to visit when you can--if nothing else, they can watch your baby while you and DH go to the restaurants that you don't like by yourself.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 13:52
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
Anonymous wrote:Well then OP I don't know what to tell you. I get really annoyed with posters who start threads to just get people to jump on their bandwagon and tell them how right they are but when people offer some other opinion the OP gets defensive and upset.
I am not even sure what you're even looking for here OP. you sound whiny and a bit entitled. so your parents, god forbid, are excited to have a grandchild and want to see you. They are using a spare bedroom to make it more convenient for their grandchild to stay at their house, I can't believe the insanity. So your parents aren't traveling like YOU want them to, I can't believe as grown adults they aren't fulfilling your ideas on what they should do with their money and free time.
Seriously, OP you are ridiculous. Be thankful you have people that care about you, because just think what they would think if they read your comments on this thread and how hurt they would be.
Don't parents say the same about their kids?
Anonymous
07/03/2013 13:39
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
Ordinarily, I would say you should tell your mother that you're planning a move, but give the likely reaction, I understand why you wouldn't.
You might speak to her more generally that you and your DH won't necessarily do everything the same way her friends' adult offspring do and to please be willing to play it by ear as you adjust to new parenthood.
You might speak to her more generally that you and your DH won't necessarily do everything the same way her friends' adult offspring do and to please be willing to play it by ear as you adjust to new parenthood.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 13:33
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
And in 3-2-1 I wait for OP to come back with "you don't know me" blah blah blah
Anonymous
07/03/2013 13:31
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
Well then OP I don't know what to tell you. I get really annoyed with posters who start threads to just get people to jump on their bandwagon and tell them how right they are but when people offer some other opinion the OP gets defensive and upset.
I am not even sure what you're even looking for here OP. you sound whiny and a bit entitled. so your parents, god forbid, are excited to have a grandchild and want to see you. They are using a spare bedroom to make it more convenient for their grandchild to stay at their house, I can't believe the insanity. So your parents aren't traveling like YOU want them to, I can't believe as grown adults they aren't fulfilling your ideas on what they should do with their money and free time.
Seriously, OP you are ridiculous. Be thankful you have people that care about you, because just think what they would think if they read your comments on this thread and how hurt they would be.
I am not even sure what you're even looking for here OP. you sound whiny and a bit entitled. so your parents, god forbid, are excited to have a grandchild and want to see you. They are using a spare bedroom to make it more convenient for their grandchild to stay at their house, I can't believe the insanity. So your parents aren't traveling like YOU want them to, I can't believe as grown adults they aren't fulfilling your ideas on what they should do with their money and free time.
Seriously, OP you are ridiculous. Be thankful you have people that care about you, because just think what they would think if they read your comments on this thread and how hurt they would be.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 13:26
Subject: mother investing a lot into expectations
I prefer to hear bad/disappointing news ASAP so that I can process the news and adjust.
YMMV.
YMMV.
Anonymous
07/03/2013 13:24
Subject: Re:mother investing a lot into expectations
OP here. A big reason to move I should have mentioned is lower cost of living. We'd rather move than slug it out trying to stay afloat in a place that will financially drain us. We don't want to take out a massive mortgage just to stay here and live in an expensive suburb. I wish my parents would understand that but they don't because that's what they did. I guess buying a house beyond your means to stay close to your own parents is what we're supposed to do? Sure, then we'll definitely need my parents to assist with childcare because then we'd have no choice. We'd have to take on second jobs, get home late, spend weekends working even just to make the mortgage... all to stay here? I'm mean, don't get me wrong, DC/MD/NOVA are lovely, but there's a pretty big world out there with even lovelier and less expensive places.