Anonymous wrote:Baby coming soon. All MIL talks about is literally "holding the baby." I have lost count of how many times she has told me this in person, on telephone, and in emails. SIL said this is all she wanted to do with my young niece and that she won't want to give the baby up. I now remember this when my niece was born. She doesn't help with anything but instead orchestrates a way to camp out and hold. This is how she "helps." I totally get how sweet and magical a cuddle with a newborn is but this is obsessive. Truly, I have never heard anything like it from a grandmother. In an email string with her about coming to hospital when baby is born she told me yet again that she "plans on holding the baby as much as possible." This is weird, yes? If so, has anyone dealt with it and how? I hate to turn her away or crush her enthusiasm this is going to be awkward and frustrating.

A friend of mine had this problem with her MIL. She would hold the baby for hours and not give it up. My friend cried - she missed out on holding her own baby.

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one piece of advice I can give you is to get the nurses at the hospital on your side. Develop a "code" with them and they will come up with some reason that people need to leave. Worked for me and I am forever grateful to the nurses for their help!

(1) This is invaluable advice.
(2) Set your parameters NOW and be a bitch if you have to be. It's ok. People can later blame it on pregnancy hormones or new mommy syndrome or whatever they want. You need SPACE as a new mom.
(3) It sounds like you and I have the same MIL. I'm sorry.
(4) The plan that worked best for me was a quick 2 hour visit in the hospital and then a BRIEF visit when baby was 2 weeks old and DH had the weekend off to rein in MIL. Don't try to cope with her one-on-one with a new baby and hormones that are still trying to settle.

Remember that it is important for baby to feel comfortable with many people so its ok for others to hold him/her, but you are still mommy and you get whatever you want. MIL is not boss. Remind DH to stick up for you if necessary. GL and congratulations!

OP, the one piece of advice I can give you is to get the nurses at the hospital on your side. Develop a "code" with them and they will come up with some reason that people need to leave. Worked for me and I am forever grateful to the nurses for their help!

Ugh, don't encourage them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mom-nazis are crazy! I am a mom of two and I can't fathom how fanatical you all get!

Fuck right off. Seriously. You break our the term "nazi" for the completely normal and healthy instinct for a mom to hold her newborn infant? Just fuck off.

My son was in the NICU for 10'days during which I barely got to hold him an hour a day, 2 at best. Now that we're home, I have to let him go so I can pump every 2-3 hours. I'll let someone hold him so I can shower and pump, but aside from that, I want no one but DH and me holding him. It's best for him and best for me. Anyone who has a problem with that does not factor into my decisions.

The more time mom and baby touc, the better tue bond, the more likely the milk will be abundant (mine is not). I don't begrudge any of my family moms (cousins, SILs) all the time in the world with their infants. I do dishes, cool, tidy, anything to free them up for more cuddle time. That's what anyone who is not a selfish douch would do for a new mom.

Wow, with a mom like you, I can imagine what kind pf a mouth your baby is going to have.

It's interesting that 2 folks here seem to find "fuck" more objectionable than "nazi". Says something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mom-nazis are crazy! I am a mom of two and I can't fathom how fanatical you all get!

Fuck right off. Seriously. You break our the term "nazi" for the completely normal and healthy instinct for a mom to hold her newborn infant? Just fuck off.

My son was in the NICU for 10'days during which I barely got to hold him an hour a day, 2 at best. Now that we're home, I have to let him go so I can pump every 2-3 hours. I'll let someone hold him so I can shower and pump, but aside from that, I want no one but DH and me holding him. It's best for him and best for me. Anyone who has a problem with that does not factor into my decisions.

The more time mom and baby touc, the better tue bond, the more likely the milk will be abundant (mine is not). I don't begrudge any of my family moms (cousins, SILs) all the time in the world with their infants. I do dishes, cool, tidy, anything to free them up for more cuddle time. That's what anyone who is not a selfish douch would do for a new mom.

Wow, with a mom like you, I can imagine what kind pf a mouth your baby is going to have.

New poster. Fuck off pp!

Yours, too.

OP here. She is not local but was planning to come my entire hospital stay and plant in my hospital room. My husband talked with her and I think we have found a happy medium to have her come to see baby in hospital on birth day and day after and then come back two weeks after. I wish she were more of a comfort and a help but she is not. Please understand that I am not overprotective or a nervous Nellie or anti-MIL, nor am I threatened. I would love to have a close relationship and have tried. She is just self-absorbed and unhelpful and we don't connect on any plane. In the 9 plus years I have been her daughter-in-law she has never once been a helpful or supportive presence to my husband or me. Believe me, I am lucky to have a wonderful mother, SIL, and aunt who are local and are lined up to pinch-hit and will relieve me when I need to nap. They will also bring in dinner and will clean up after themselves and can have at baby for snuggles and holding. My MIL, on the other hand, will not do any of this. When I say all she wants to do is hold the baby I mean it literally. I saw her do it a couple short years ago with my SIL, a sweet girl who was in tears in her hospital room because MIL wouldn't leave to let her breastfeed or even when the doctor came in. She has an obsessive need to hold that I have never before seen. It is all she focuses on or talks about. To the PP who asked what else she would say...well...how about I can't wait to see baby, how are you feeling, what can I do to help you before/during/after, isn't this a cute outfit, are you nervous/tired...I could go on and on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mom-nazis are crazy! I am a mom of two and I can't fathom how fanatical you all get!

Fuck right off. Seriously. You break our the term "nazi" for the completely normal and healthy instinct for a mom to hold her newborn infant? Just fuck off.

My son was in the NICU for 10'days during which I barely got to hold him an hour a day, 2 at best. Now that we're home, I have to let him go so I can pump every 2-3 hours. I'll let someone hold him so I can shower and pump, but aside from that, I want no one but DH and me holding him. It's best for him and best for me. Anyone who has a problem with that does not factor into my decisions.

The more time mom and baby touc, the better tue bond, the more likely the milk will be abundant (mine is not). I don't begrudge any of my family moms (cousins, SILs) all the time in the world with their infants. I do dishes, cool, tidy, anything to free them up for more cuddle time. That's what anyone who is not a selfish douch would do for a new mom.

Wow, with a mom like you, I can imagine what kind pf a mouth your baby is going to have.

New poster. Fuck off pp!

Is she local? If she's local, then plan to have her come visit at the hospital for an hour, then no visits for the next two weeks. If she isn't local then have her come when the baby is 2 weeks old.

Trust me, you do not want to be dealing with an annoying MIL when you are post partum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mom-nazis are crazy! I am a mom of two and I can't fathom how fanatical you all get!

Fuck right off. Seriously. You break our the term "nazi" for the completely normal and healthy instinct for a mom to hold her newborn infant? Just fuck off.

My son was in the NICU for 10'days during which I barely got to hold him an hour a day, 2 at best. Now that we're home, I have to let him go so I can pump every 2-3 hours. I'll let someone hold him so I can shower and pump, but aside from that, I want no one but DH and me holding him. It's best for him and best for me. Anyone who has a problem with that does not factor into my decisions.

The more time mom and baby touc, the better tue bond, the more likely the milk will be abundant (mine is not). I don't begrudge any of my family moms (cousins, SILs) all the time in the world with their infants. I do dishes, cool, tidy, anything to free them up for more cuddle time. That's what anyone who is not a selfish douch would do for a new mom.

Wow, with a mom like you, I can imagine what kind pf a mouth your baby is going to have.

I would have loooooooved to have had anyone hold my newborn kids...sounds like an awesome opportunity to get some sleep!

Eh, I wouldn't worry too much about this, OP. What else is she going to say she is looking forward to wrt a newborn? Holding is about all there is. If you place reasonable expectations for a visit (not staying weeks on end in your one bedroom apartment), everything should be fine.

The FTMs on this board who think her presence is going to destroy mother/child bonding or that no one should hold the baby but themselves or, maybe their DH, are a little overwrought.

Anonymous wrote:Ftm? You will be glad someone wants to help hold the baby, trust me!

I have three kids and now at 9mo, 3yo, 6yo I am very happy to have grandma come help & do something with the kids. I will even put up with A LOT of MIL crap for that little bit of freedom. BUT when each of mine were tiny infants I didn't want MIL anywhere near them. I love me some newborn snuggles. And MIL annoys me 10x more than normal when I'm PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ftm? You will be glad someone wants to help hold the baby, trust me!

Ugh! Your condescending attitude sucks.

I only have one child who is almost two. I absoLUTELY was happy to just hold my baby, all the time. In my ideal world I would have held her all day and night, only giving her to DH (and nobody BUT DH) for diaper changes and when I wanted to shower.

I agree with the PP. and am the mom of one 2 year old.

In your ideal world -great. In the real world people either go to work or get things done.

And a child can't suffer by having too many people who bond and love him or her.

Mommy bonding is gonna happen. Let MIL bond too. You don't know what life brings.

+1

This is my MIL exactly. She and FIL just left this morning after visiting to see DS #2, who is 3 weeks old. I didn't set clear boundaries and expectations with #1, so I ended up with feeling resentful (to this day) about MIL and FIL's visit when DS #1 was born. They stayed at our 1-bedroom apartment and MIL watched me clean, cook, etc. and would only "help" by holding the baby. I remember crying in my bedroom alone because I just wanted to cuddle with my baby and DH insisted that his mother could help calm the baby better than me (yes, I know, my issue was with DH as much as MIL). With #2, DH (knowing how much he screwed up with #1, made it clear to his parents that they could not visit until at least 2 weeks after the birth and made sure I was not burdened with any cooking or cleaning and took responsibility for ensuring that his parents did not interfere with my bonding time with #2. I strongly urge you to be vocal about your needs and make sure that DH supports you by running interference with his mother. Good luck!