I would explain that I could not agree to an unspecified amount of money, but would be happy to lend up to $x. If it were my sister, I am sure (1) she would put the money towards the stated purpose, but also that (2) she would have every intention of paying me back, but not do it. I'd give it to her anyway to get her out of that crap situation in the best possible position.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[...]

To whomever asked if the situation were reversed, I know this sounds arrogant but it would never be this bad for me. I can't ever imagine my sister doing as well as I did and me making as many poor choices as she has. ( bad marriage, no money saved, probably won't pay me back. ). She has some major character flaws that make it difficult for me to want to loan her money.

It is arrogant. It reflects a level of arrogance and delusion (things can happen to anyone)... there but for the grace of whoever or whatever you worship go you. You never know when karma can bite you on the ass. A little humility and empathy might serve you well some day.

(Not OP here.) I'm guessing from your post (and others who are on Team Give Sister Whatever She Asks For) that you do not have, for lack of a better term, fuck-up siblings/relatives? I'm not necessarily in the Don't Give camp, but I do see the downside of giving money, especially if it enables further dysfunction.

I'm fine with that part.

I'm not fine with anyone so arrogant as to say that they KNOW that this could never happen to them ... yeah, right. Pride goeth before the fall, as they say. Give Sis money with care, but don't act like your shit don't stink.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but if concerned pay directly to the apartment complex or attorney.

This.

No cash goes into her hands or her accounts.

Your later posts, OP, indicate more with each post that you judge her choices as being poor, she doesn't do details well, you are afraid she's going to come back for more, etc. What started out sounding like a pretty direct situation -- nasty divorce, he has access to funds for legal help to screw her, she has no access to funds to fight back -- sounds more complicated when you add in your concerns about her and money. Understandable but I would try not to let my judgments about her choices get in the way if she needs real and immediate help.

I would offer to pay a certain amount (paid only directly to an attorney or whatever). If you fear she is going to lose custody of her kids and be otherwise royally screwed by her husband in this divorce, do you feel comfortable letting that happen for lack of legal advice if she can't afford an attorney on her own?

Yes, she might ask for more later, but as you note -- she hasn't done this before. Be clear that the funds are limited to a specific purpose and there are no more after a certain dollar amount. And do it as a GIFT, not a loan, or you set yourself up for years of judging and blaming her (a road you're already on, to an extent) if she doesn't pay you back. If you cannot make it a gift -- help her apply for legal aid, or help her get to a local Women's Center that assists women with problems like this, etc. Help her somehow, even if it's not monetarily.

It depends on the family. If they are constant takers (no boundaries) then you might have to lay down the law.

In DHs family, you can't do enough. We have to be the ones to decide what is an "emergency" and what is not. Perpetual unemployment with no leads and no effort? I mean, if money is really a problem, there are jobs to be had.

When my husband was unemployed for more than a year, we were given money and a temporary place to live in by some kind members of our family. From others (who could very well afford it), not a peep.

You really find out who are your friends and who are not when you are in a bind like this.

I would give money wisely, like a PP said - research the best use of that money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[...]

To whomever asked if the situation were reversed, I know this sounds arrogant but it would never be this bad for me. I can't ever imagine my sister doing as well as I did and me making as many poor choices as she has. ( bad marriage, no money saved, probably won't pay me back. ). She has some major character flaws that make it difficult for me to want to loan her money.

It is arrogant. It reflects a level of arrogance and delusion (things can happen to anyone)... there but for the grace of whoever or whatever you worship go you. You never know when karma can bite you on the ass. A little humility and empathy might serve you well some day.

(Not OP here.) I'm guessing from your post (and others who are on Team Give Sister Whatever She Asks For) that you do not have, for lack of a better term, fuck-up siblings/relatives? I'm not necessarily in the Don't Give camp, but I do see the downside of giving money, especially if it enables further dysfunction.

One thing to know with divorces -the legal fees will be as high as one side has money - how much money does ex have? She will need more of however much you give - will you have access to more or will she have access to more? If this is a onetime thing, you will have to make that very clear.

Anonymous wrote:[...]

To whomever asked if the situation were reversed, I know this sounds arrogant but it would never be this bad for me. I can't ever imagine my sister doing as well as I did and me making as many poor choices as she has. ( bad marriage, no money saved, probably won't pay me back. ). She has some major character flaws that make it difficult for me to want to loan her money.

It is arrogant. It reflects a level of arrogance and delusion (things can happen to anyone)... there but for the grace of whoever or whatever you worship go you. You never know when karma can bite you on the ass. A little humility and empathy might serve you well some day.

OP, it's not a loan so don't think of it as such. If you can help then offer what you can afford reasonably and don't expect anything in return. It's that easy, especially if she is has a questionable history of decision making.

More background here. My sister is no saint. She owes my parents 10k for the business they invested in together. We agreed that we would not involve my parents in this, because they are already beyond aggravated at the situation.

To whomever asked if the situation were reversed, I know this sounds arrogant but it would never be this bad for me. I can't ever imagine my sister doing as well as I did and me making as many poor choices as she has. ( bad marriage, no money saved, probably won't pay me back. ). She has some major character flaws that make it difficult for me to want to loan her money.

I agree that your parents should shoulder some of the burden if they are able

Parents - not patents

Op- you need to talk to your patents. I went throught this exact thing. I was willing to do a lot of legwork for my sister and flat out told my dad that Dh and I were going to pay up to $6k for her attorney and he needed to be prepared to pay the rest. When it came from me, he knew it was serious and said he'd do it. She had to figure out her living expenses but her damn lawyer was covered. It took a great weight off of her shoulders. It's been 5 years and neither my dad nor I expect anything back. We are just happy she's rid of they jerk and taking good care of her wonderful kids.

For my sister, I'd give her anything. But I'd pay the creditor directly.

Yes, but if concerned pay directly to the apartment complex or attorney.