Anonymous
06/28/2013 00:25
Subject: Grandma's old toys
OP, my mom is a full blown hoarder, so I feel for you.
I think many people confuse well maintained high quality old toys from grandmas with sound judgement, and dirty junk from a mentally ill person (who essentially a hoarder is).
I suggest you just ban all of her filthy stuff from your house. My parents are not allowed to bring my old stuff for my DS. They are welcome to buy stuff if they want (I discourage them but don't ban it), it is mostly very cheap, breaks fast, so I just toss it.
I think many people confuse well maintained high quality old toys from grandmas with sound judgement, and dirty junk from a mentally ill person (who essentially a hoarder is).
I suggest you just ban all of her filthy stuff from your house. My parents are not allowed to bring my old stuff for my DS. They are welcome to buy stuff if they want (I discourage them but don't ban it), it is mostly very cheap, breaks fast, so I just toss it.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 13:56
Subject: Re:Grandma's old toys
My bet is on the fact that these loving grand mothers (mothers) can't tell the difference. I have a great relationship with MIL but I tend to keep my shut as much as possible. We live in a small space and DH and I are on board with keeping minimal stuff. My DH is 42 yrs old and MIL has toys dating all the way back to his first year!
I understand saving good ones but 40 year old ratty old dirty stuffed toys! Really?? And she tells me a million times how much DH loved them as a child and how he played with each of those. I do take whatever she gives us and then just chuck them. We do keep stuff that is in good shape but ratty old toys got to go.
Just say thanks and then get rid of what you don't want to keep. Dangerous things are ofcourse an outright no.
I understand saving good ones but 40 year old ratty old dirty stuffed toys! Really?? And she tells me a million times how much DH loved them as a child and how he played with each of those. I do take whatever she gives us and then just chuck them. We do keep stuff that is in good shape but ratty old toys got to go.
Just say thanks and then get rid of what you don't want to keep. Dangerous things are ofcourse an outright no.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 13:11
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yup. MIL hauls suitcases of old crap along everytime she visits. We say thanks and chuck it once she leaves.
+1. DH and I actually have bets going on what old toys are next to be brought out of retirement.
The bad thing is, some of them could have been great except mom didn't store them well (think open storage in a leaky basement). Ewwwwww.
HA! I see your leaky basement toys and raise you mouse turd crusted toys. No joke.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 12:22
Subject: Grandma's old toys
OP again. I really am not intending to be hostile towards her. We honestly get along well. It's just that I do get annoyed about her being vocally dismissive of my choices (similarly I see how many if you think I am doing the same to her, which is a fair point). The problem is she isn't open to me going through them (she and her late husband also have hoarding issues) and she'd have a fit if I tossed any. But she also won't store anything at her house (i live in her old house that never got cleaned out...with severely restricted storage for us bc of all the old stuff shoved into every nook and cranny). I feel like it is a no win. I hate clutter and she thinks I am unreasonable for not turning my LR into a fantasy play land for all the giant footprint toys she wants him to have. I hated it in his room too but I gave in on that one. But now his room is full and...
I know I likely am not articulating some of this well. I will work on delivery/engagement levels for sure though.
I know I likely am not articulating some of this well. I will work on delivery/engagement levels for sure though.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 12:07
Subject: Grandma's old toys
I gladly accept any and all hand-me-down toys!! The more hand-me-downs we get, the less $$ I have to spend! We do even have old blocks that were MY mother's when she was little; DD is 5 and doesn't put things in her mouth so I don't care about lead. LOL. I'd rather have the nostalgic memories, actually. I like having that connection to family.
The only thing I think I have ever refused was my DH's old bb gun. Umm, yeah. Don't need that, thankyou.
The only thing I think I have ever refused was my DH's old bb gun. Umm, yeah. Don't need that, thankyou.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 11:58
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Anonymous wrote:Yup. MIL hauls suitcases of old crap along everytime she visits. We say thanks and chuck it once she leaves.
+1. DH and I actually have bets going on what old toys are next to be brought out of retirement.
The bad thing is, some of them could have been great except mom didn't store them well (think open storage in a leaky basement). Ewwwwww.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 11:53
Subject: Grandma's old toys
No advice OP, just to say I feel your pain.
My mom REALLY wanted us to use my old crib (which had been her old crib before that, so we're talking a 60 years old) for DD. Every time I gently expressed doubts, she assured me she had measured the bars & she was sure it met today's safety standards. In the end we decided to use a Montessori bed, otherwise I'm not sure how I would've worked that out.
Likewise, she'll haul out old toys of mine. She says she cleans them, but after 10 minutes of play my daughter's fingers are covered in grime. I just let the toys stay at grandma's house and make sure we use the bathroom (=wash our hands) before we leave. Fortunately DD is older now and doesn't put everything in her mouth.
My dad is just as bad; when DD was a toddler, I asked him repeatedly to only buy her water, plain milk, or 100% juice to drink, but he insisted on letting her pick out whatever she wanted from the beverage case. (It wouldn't matter if I provided a beverage -- he'd buy her something anyway.) He finally listened after she vomited up purple Vitamin Water all over the place.
He kept saying, "I don't read labels, I just let her pick something." I said, "Dad, you HAVE to read the labels, b/c she can't, she's only 2!"
My mom REALLY wanted us to use my old crib (which had been her old crib before that, so we're talking a 60 years old) for DD. Every time I gently expressed doubts, she assured me she had measured the bars & she was sure it met today's safety standards. In the end we decided to use a Montessori bed, otherwise I'm not sure how I would've worked that out.
Likewise, she'll haul out old toys of mine. She says she cleans them, but after 10 minutes of play my daughter's fingers are covered in grime. I just let the toys stay at grandma's house and make sure we use the bathroom (=wash our hands) before we leave. Fortunately DD is older now and doesn't put everything in her mouth.
My dad is just as bad; when DD was a toddler, I asked him repeatedly to only buy her water, plain milk, or 100% juice to drink, but he insisted on letting her pick out whatever she wanted from the beverage case. (It wouldn't matter if I provided a beverage -- he'd buy her something anyway.) He finally listened after she vomited up purple Vitamin Water all over the place.
He kept saying, "I don't read labels, I just let her pick something." I said, "Dad, you HAVE to read the labels, b/c she can't, she's only 2!"
Anonymous
06/27/2013 10:16
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Take the toys. Keep anything that can be cleaned and used. Then box them up the rest and recycle/donate/hide them.
The bigger issue seems to be that she is constantly questioning your choices. Just tell her that you know that child-rearing norms have changed since she was raising her kids, but you're following the advice of your pediatrician. You know that you have different ideas about what's safe/necessary, but you don't appreciate the constant criticisms and you'd appreciate it if she saved any comments for times she truly thinks you're doing something that might endanger your children. Then stop with the back and forth. Seriously, stop engaging.
Part of the dynamic here seems to be that you feel the need to assert your parenting supremacy over her verbally--"I'll have to look over the toys because some of them might not be safe." Just say, "Thanks, Grandma! I'd love to see my husband's old toys!" You don't even have to tell her you're going to sort through them, just sort through them. "Thanks for digging out those toys. Brayden really loves his dad's old trucks!"
Which is to say, disengage. She probably feels defensive because she raised her kids under the safety standards of the day, and you're constantly telling her that those aren't good enough.
Insightful post.
+1
Anonymous
06/27/2013 10:12
Subject: Re:Grandma's old toys
OP, I have this same problem with my Mom. She does not pull out my old toys (I don't think there are any), but always has something from Goodwill or a flea market that she picked up. I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!!!!! These are not sentimental items, just used toys that have been donated by others. I have learned to just say thank you, my DCs play with the items while they are at her house or if I must take the stuff, I send it right back to Goodwill with my other household donations. My Mom means well, I know. I've asked her not to buy the stuff as we don't have room, but she is much older (almost 80), and I think she just enjoys doing this. She really economized when raising my family, so she cannot pass up a good deal and she thinks she is helping us.
I think that if you kindly accept the stuff, hopefully you can toss what is just completely unacceptable and put the others in a small box to pull out when Grandma visits.
Re: the advice she gives. Just say, "thanks, I'll keep that in mind." No need to argue. My mom still wants to put my DC on her tummy to sleep....I'll never win that battle with her (she raised 8 kids!). I just don't have my DC over to her house during naptime. No arguments.
I think that if you kindly accept the stuff, hopefully you can toss what is just completely unacceptable and put the others in a small box to pull out when Grandma visits.
Re: the advice she gives. Just say, "thanks, I'll keep that in mind." No need to argue. My mom still wants to put my DC on her tummy to sleep....I'll never win that battle with her (she raised 8 kids!). I just don't have my DC over to her house during naptime. No arguments.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 09:55
Subject: Grandma's old toys
I have the same issue with my MIL. The lead paint is a concern of mine and I don't think it's unreasonable. I've also found the old high chair, and pack n play are t up to my standards (high chair straps were broken, netting on playpen originally had some elastic so had dry rotted). I have to be kind of firm about it, but she still shows up with old junk. And some of it is clearly old junk that should have been tossed (flaking paint etc).
Here's how I handle it:
Anything with obvious old flaking paint we won't use. Period.
Anything I can re-purpose, I do (reframe old nursery art,etc).
Anything I just don't want we ask them to keep at their house. DH has to say "thanks but we just don't have the space).
Here's how I handle it:
Anything with obvious old flaking paint we won't use. Period.
Anything I can re-purpose, I do (reframe old nursery art,etc).
Anything I just don't want we ask them to keep at their house. DH has to say "thanks but we just don't have the space).
Anonymous
06/27/2013 09:53
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Also forgot to add that my 6 year old nephew is now talking about "saving his toys for his kids".
Anonymous
06/27/2013 09:52
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Another PP here who thinks you can handle it a bit more graciously. Personally, my son would LOVE to play with "daddy's toys" or "daddy's books when he was a kid" (DH's father's new girlfriend threw away all his Star Wars toys and Matchbox cars (but that's another post)). It is sweet that she saved them. I would look through them and select the ones that make sense; put the rest in the attic.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 09:50
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Anonymous wrote:Take the toys. Keep anything that can be cleaned and used. Then box them up the rest and recycle/donate/hide them.
The bigger issue seems to be that she is constantly questioning your choices. Just tell her that you know that child-rearing norms have changed since she was raising her kids, but you're following the advice of your pediatrician. You know that you have different ideas about what's safe/necessary, but you don't appreciate the constant criticisms and you'd appreciate it if she saved any comments for times she truly thinks you're doing something that might endanger your children. Then stop with the back and forth. Seriously, stop engaging.
Part of the dynamic here seems to be that you feel the need to assert your parenting supremacy over her verbally--"I'll have to look over the toys because some of them might not be safe." Just say, "Thanks, Grandma! I'd love to see my husband's old toys!" You don't even have to tell her you're going to sort through them, just sort through them. "Thanks for digging out those toys. Brayden really loves his dad's old trucks!"
Which is to say, disengage. She probably feels defensive because she raised her kids under the safety standards of the day, and you're constantly telling her that those aren't good enough.
Excellent advise. You're being kind of hostile towards grandma - it's really sweet that she saved the prior generation's toys. You don't have to use every single one but if there's even one your child likes and you feel is safe - grandma will be so tickled.
The occasional piece of unwarranted advice is totally normal - even my dad, who was a pretty hands off dad, does this and it's a little annoying but just say "thanks" when they offer a gift and if you're in a good mood when she gives a parenting suggestion, just explain your thinking. She's trying to make conversation- that's all. My MIL has a million suggestions but all she wants is to feel included; if I tell her why we're doing it this way and not that way, she's happy. Sometimes I have patience for it, other times I just change the subject.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 09:28
Subject: Grandma's old toys
OP here. Thanks for the replies. Very insightful. Gives me some things to think about.
Anonymous
06/27/2013 08:34
Subject: Grandma's old toys
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Grandma doesn't leave. We are all living on the same farm (different houses). And I am talking about things even goodwill wouldn't want.
Not trying to be defensive here -honest. But none of you are concerned about old toys with lead paint, etc. ? I wasn't vetoing everything sight unseen, but this is the Grandma who thinks she shouldn't have to put her gun away at her house and thinks I am unreasonable for not letting him stay there overnight.
I love old toys. Have MIL keep them at her house for your children to play with when they're there. That will keep them "special" for your children and satisfy your MIL, and the exposure to anything dangerous will be minimal because they won't have access to them during all their waking hours.
My parents set up a playroom in their basement for all the grandchildren, and it's full of all our old toys. (Love those vintage Fisher Price toys-- house, hospital, farm, garage, boat and camper!) It's always a highlight of any visit for my children, and I love seeing all the things I used to love as a child. In general I'm a very vigilant parents, especially about toxins, etc., but I have no worries about the old toys.
My parents won't give me any of my old toys--they're keeping them so that there are special toys to play with at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I think it's a great idea. I don't have to pack toys when we visit, because my kid is excited to play with toys that are totally different than we have at home.