Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 19:15     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!


I don't get this. You don't HAVE TO give them anything. What's would happen if you didn't give them any money? BILs and SILs would stop talking to you? Because it's a "custom"? Well, tell them you have a custom-- your custom is that you provide for your immediate family and your retirement first and any leftovers go toward a vacation. There's a custom for you.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 16:51     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
14:13 - THIS. PP here.

I could never understand anyone who asks questions they wouldn't answer themselves. How rude can someone possibly be? Are they proud to be raised in a barn?

Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 16:49     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
sound alike = sounds like
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 16:44     Subject: ILs and Spending Money


OP, it sound alike you and I share the same bitter, entitled MIL! The same one who, if the roles were reversed, would actually charge interest on any loan (never a gift, of course, that is for her DD) - EW!


Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 14:36     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.


It should. Really.

I'm not some callous jerk who wouldn't take care of my parents if disaster struck, but spending crazily and hoping that one's kid will make it all work out? Unless there is ample money for that to happen, I'd be concerned.

This is probably heavily influenced by my grandmother mishandling money badly, which caused my parents no end of worry.


Yeah. He isn't thrilled about it but begrudgingly accepts it. Once when it was open season for long term care insurance at his office I broached whether he should look it into for his mom and it really set him off.


I hope you are not planning on marrying this man.


Ditto. And not reproducing with this guy.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 14:33     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!


It was dishonest of you to allow your parents to believe that they were helping you, and not your ILs. Shame on you.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 14:31     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked![/quote]

It was dishonest of you to let your parents believe that they were helping you, and not your ILs. Shame on you.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 14:29     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.


It should. Really.

I'm not some callous jerk who wouldn't take care of my parents if disaster struck, but spending crazily and hoping that one's kid will make it all work out? Unless there is ample money for that to happen, I'd be concerned.

This is probably heavily influenced by my grandmother mishandling money badly, which caused my parents no end of worry.


Yeah. He isn't thrilled about it but begrudgingly accepts it. Once when it was open season for long term care insurance at his office I broached whether he should look it into for his mom and it really set him off.


I hope you are not planning on marrying this man.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 14:13     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Ignore, and don't share info on your spending. We spend very similarly to you, buying quality when it counts and when we can, saving at other times and not wasteful. I get almost embarrassed when we do buy higher end or take a bigger vacation, and don't like to discuss details with people. If they ask "how much", you say "we got a good deal", and leave it there.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 14:03     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
DH and I received the same pressure from his father. It was a custom in his family to provide for the elders. When we has just graduated from school and started new jobs, his brothers and sisters asked that we start contributing towards his father's expenses. With our huge student loan debt, we could barely make ends meet. My parents saw us struggling, and they would give us generous birthday and holiday cash gifts. I didn't have the heart to tell my family that we had to funnel off a chunk of the money they gave us for DH's family. They would've freaked!
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 13:51     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand her money situation - I know she's retired, but her ex pays her mortgage, healthcare and for vacations. She takes SS and has a small pension.

Should I try to figure out what the bigger issue is, or should I just ignore it?


Why doesn't your DH raise the issue of money with her? It could be in the context of thinking about her future. (E.g. does she plan to stay in her house? Does she have the money to maintain it? What are her wishes if she can't stay in her house?)

It may be that she is loaded but doesn't feel rich. It may be that she is poor and worried about her future. Or any other range of possibilities. At least with a frank conversation, your DH could figure out what's going on with his mom and THEN you'll know how to respond to her repeated comments about money.


Thanks for all the comments so far...I've brought this up with DH before and he alluded to the fact that her ex has set her up for rest of her life even after he passes. I think it's enough to live on (the basics such as housing, health care, etc), but probably not up to the level she has grown accustomed to (vacations twice a year, new cars, etc).


Actually, it sounds like she is totally covered and just pipes up for gifts and attention! She is much better off than many retired 65yos.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 13:49     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.


It should. Really.

I'm not some callous jerk who wouldn't take care of my parents if disaster struck, but spending crazily and hoping that one's kid will make it all work out? Unless there is ample money for that to happen, I'd be concerned.

This is probably heavily influenced by my grandmother mishandling money badly, which caused my parents no end of worry.


Yeah. He isn't thrilled about it but begrudgingly accepts it. Once when it was open season for long term care insurance at his office I broached whether he should look it into for his mom and it really set him off.


Big RED FLAG!
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 13:44     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Sounds like she's jealous. I'd just ignore the snide comments.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 13:33     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
i would guess that she is used to people buying her things and therefore has developed an unrealistic expectation that everyone should buy her everything. i would also assume her to be a jealous type.
i would ignore it or if you cant just let her know you would prefer she does not make those types of comments to you anymore.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2013 12:54     Subject: ILs and Spending Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend's mother has zero savings, drives a 65,000 dollar car, and tells my boyfriend "you are my retirement plan!" And he is ok with this. It scares me.


It should. Really.

I'm not some callous jerk who wouldn't take care of my parents if disaster struck, but spending crazily and hoping that one's kid will make it all work out? Unless there is ample money for that to happen, I'd be concerned.

This is probably heavily influenced by my grandmother mishandling money badly, which caused my parents no end of worry.


Yeah. He isn't thrilled about it but begrudgingly accepts it. Once when it was open season for long term care insurance at his office I broached whether he should look it into for his mom and it really set him off.