Anonymous wrote:It's totally not worth it. But my husband is incapable of staying employed so, since I have a child to support (and apparently her father too) I have no choice.

BINGO!!! Single mom here. And, so I say the stress of THIS job isn't worth it. I'm looking for a better spot with less actual shouting. The Hill can be a thankless, soul sucking, mad house. I like that the kids are in school this early. I see evidence of their learning every day and think their teachers are doing a great job.

But bringing home this stress or even all of the lethargy that comes with being in this work environment, is no good for them. I'm looking. Light a candle for me, DCUM.

That is why I quit. My husband kept encouraging me as he saw how unhappy I was. He far prefers the change in my being happy vs. stressed and frustrated with work issues.

I am a SAHM. I gave up my dream career because it involved too much travel.

I am happy being a SAHM, but it makes you financially vulnerable. Therefore, I think that an essential part of making that decision depends on what type of guy you married.

For instance, my DH is a hard worker, and in a secure field where he's not going to be laid off. He's not into a particularly expensive lifestyle and doesn't need the latest new guy-toy. He's not the cheating type either (as far as I can tell).

I also saved a bit and we have some money for any unforseen event.

Being a SAHM is a bit of an exercise in humility. My boss laughed at me and asked what I did all day. My stockbroker told me I was "wasting my brain." My former colleagues look at me as if I'm the bulb on the Christmas tree string of lights that sputtered out. It's all ok; I'm fine with my decision but just mentioning that you will get a little of that.

I was extremely ambitious before I quit. I worked myself through law school, was a hard-core career woman, very ego-involved in my career, and someone who never envisioned having kids. DH convinced me to have kids and I said, "ok, but just one," (LOL and now we have two).

It was a transition. I always remember that my DH was attracted to me when I was a woman who his educational, career, and financial equal and was very independent and flying all over the place and had great stories---and now he has a SAH dependent. So I try and cut him some slack for that when I'm annoyed because I feel like I'm a servant always picking up after everybody. I also try to give him time to have some fun (for him this means playing computer games), and time for us to have fun together.

For me, being a SAHM has been mostly a positive experience. I can be anxious and my work was anxiety-producing, so this is a better fit for me. (When I worked, I used to start getting anxious on Sunday around 1pm)

Re the respect angle: I work really hard and long--it never seems to end! and my DH has evolved in that now he really does see our house a bit like the oasis after a long day (read: hotel and guess who's the maid?)

I used to get really mad about that. I also used to have a honey-do list for when he got home. Then I heard someone on the radio who said, "you have to make him WANT to come home," and that was like an epiphany. No more honey-do list, no getting upset that he's a slob. God knows those expensively-clad much-younger lawyers in his office aren't giving him chores to do. He's adorable and if being a slob is his only vice I'm damn lucky.

Therefore, I not infusing his messy behavior with a negative symbolic meaning (lack of respect). He wants to come home; he loves coming home, to me and to unwind. It may indeed be a lack of respect, but I'm going with the nicer interpretation.

As for the kids, it's better for us because (in my situation, as a SAHM) I'm there for them more often. In general, I don't believe one can manufacture quality moments (where things happen that you can use as a teachable moment). I think it's unpredictable when the quality moment happens. If you are there when it happens, you can make it a teachable moment. Since it's unpredictable, if you are around more (quantity), you catch more of those quality-moment opportunities. For my situation, the only way to be with the kids for any good quantity of time was to be a SAHM.

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM and it makes our family life so much better and less stressful. My DH travels for work a lot and he doesn't have to worry because he knows I always have all child/household things covered. We can afford to get by on one salary. I would be back at work if we needed my income to live but we are frugal so for now it works for us. Now that it is summer I am busier than ever with all three home and running around with them all day. It is fun and they are growing up fast!

Same here. And don't feel bad about your Masters, OP. I have a Ph. D. Love my field, still read and do lots of things to stay current but no actual workplace to deal with and I prefer to prioritize my family. Whatever colleagues I could have today won't be at my funeral.

Anonymous wrote:So you didn't mind spending someone else's money? Did you have to ask him for money like he was your dad, or did you just feel entitled to the fruits of someone else's labor? Neither is flattering.

It must be sad to be in a marriage where you think the money is either his or hers. My DH and I have thought of every penny that comes into our household as "ours" since we were engaged. When I stopped working to be a SAHM, I took over all bill paying, finances, taxes because I have the time, but the money is still ours and all for our family.

Anonymous wrote:So you didn't mind spending someone else's money? Did you have to ask him for money like he was your dad, or did you just feel entitled to the fruits of someone else's labor? Neither is flattering.

See, I find your value system in which only labor done for money is respected to be even more unflattering. All kinds of labor is needed to make the world go 'round and life go on, including cleaning, cooking, errands, correspondence, home maintenance, childcare, managing appointments, gardening, all kinds of things. All this labor is valuable because it is necessary to life, regardless of whether the laborer is paid in money or not.

And OP, yes! One spouse not working will do wonders for your quality of life!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

Former SAHM here. The bolded part tells me that you need to look at more options first. Look for a different job, look for ways to reduce the anxiety at work. I left my job for reasons similar to yours. I won't say I regret it exactly, but in retrospect it was a hasty and not well thought out decision.

I pictured myself having so much free time as a SAHM. Not really true. Yes I had more free time in a sense, but also less in some ways. I could run errands during the day - but always with a baby or toddler in tow, which meant that everything took 4x as long to do. And I never even got to pee in peace. I used to fantasize about the days when I could go to the bathroom at work ALONE and take my time, and eat lunch with two hands whenever I pleased. Being a SAHM, you really just don't get to tend to your own needs a large portion of the time. When the kids get you sick, you can't just take care of yourself; you have a sick kid to care for too. It can really run you down.

I'm not sure my DH lost respect for me, but his expectations did change pretty dramatically. We talked about household duties and how we would continue to share them, but over time it became clear that even though he agreed he would/should keep doing certain things, he didn't really think he should have to since I was home all day. Never mind that he knew it was next to impossible to get all these things done during the day. It's just like how YOU think you'll be home all day and have all this free time. My DH and I both had this expectation, but it just wasn't true. I lived it firsthand and realized it wasn't true, but he didn't so he maintained all these unrealistic, unspoken expectations.

I went back to work after a couple of years and it was the absolute best thing for me. I found a new job where I learn new things all the time, I went into this job with a different mindset and really don't find it stressful at all. It actually reduces my stress. I have my own job, mental challenge, a paycheck, interesting colleagues, and can pee all alone. It's heaven. now that I know we can live on one salary, I have given myself permission to spend money on things like a cleaning service that reduce my load at home and thus reduce my stress.

What have you tried to reduce your stress OTHER THAN quitting our job? How old are your kid(s)?

Anonymous wrote:So you didn't mind spending someone else's money? Did you have to ask him for money like he was your dad, or did you just feel entitled to the fruits of someone else's labor? Neither is flattering.

If it doesn't work for you fine. But your angry, ugly post leaves you sounding bitter and jealous.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will lose respect for you, no matter what he claims.

I spent my career in healthcare taking care of sick people. I took care of people with cancer, trauma patients, surgery patients, patients with Aids, people who were dying. Now I am a SAHM and I take care of my own three children and my home. I think my time on this planet is well spent and I have respect for myself. If I were with a man who did not value my worth then he would be the wrong husband for me. Sorry I have not spent my days on this planet chasing Big Law or what ever career and life style you feel is more worthy. OP if you want to stay home and it works for your family don't listen to people who tell you that there is no value or worth in it.

I am a SAHM looking for a job. OP, keep working! Try for more flexibility, part time, or WAH.

I really want a job so of course I am projecting.

So you didn't mind spending someone else's money? Did you have to ask him for money like he was your dad, or did you just feel entitled to the fruits of someone else's labor? Neither is flattering.

OP here. I just find working to be stressful and I find that I am often anxious and irritated when at work, and then fine at home. I dread Mondays and love my weekends and free time. There is so much I could do with my free time if I were to stay at home.

I also think being a stay at home wife (no kids) is good too. I did that for 2 years when we moved for my husband's job and I was unable to find work. I loved it. No stress. I compare that time now with working full-time and I think I was happier when I was a stay at home wife (no kids).

I stayed at home for 12 years until my youngest was in kindergarten (I have three kids). I am so much happier now that I'm working. We don't need my salary, but I have so much more self-respect. My husband was originally upset when I stopped working, but then he got used to me being at home and generally making life easier for us all with resoect to the house and kids. I wouldn't say he has more respect for me now that I'm working again, but he seems proud of me b/c I'm happier and all my career anxiety is gone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will lose respect for you, no matter what he claims.

DCUMers love to say this but there are actual studies that show the opposite to be the case. The happiest marriages are those where the wife stays home. I'm sure many disagree but simply saying "he'll lose respect for you" is your own coping mechanism, not close to a fact.

I think it depends on the two individuals and their family circumstances. If the guy isn't money hungry, I think most of them would be happier with smoothly run households. Of course he needs to earn enough to make ends meet. And she needs to be educated in home economics.

I don't disagree with this. I disagree with the "DH won't respect you no matter what" BS. And I see that around here a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband will lose respect for you, no matter what he claims.

DCUMers love to say this but there are actual studies that show the opposite to be the case. The happiest marriages are those where the wife stays home. I'm sure many disagree but simply saying "he'll lose respect for you" is your own coping mechanism, not close to a fact.

I think it depends on the two individuals and their family circumstances. If the guy isn't money hungry, I think most of them would be happier with smoothly run households. Of course he needs to earn enough to make ends meet. And she needs to be educated in home economics.