Anonymous wrote:OP again. My child has actually spend the night at their house before. Once. Before I knew the extent of the issues.

I'm afraid having the cousin sleep over will make reciprocation necessary.

OP, you're being way too passive here. Frankly, I would be concerned about their child as well.

You tell SIL this: "Look I'm going to be frank with you. You know we love little Petey and are so glad that he and Oscar are so close. Petey is welcome at our house any time. But as things stand now, with Billy Bob's drug use and the fact that there are guns in this house, I'm saying NO to having Oscar stay here overnight. That's our decision as his parents and until this situatoin changes, that will remain the answer."

Where is your DH on this, by the way?

I'm sure I'll get flames for this, but based on the environment in which the cousin is being raised I personally wouldn't care to cultivate too heavily the relationship between the cousins to begin with. I would likely worry and assume that the cousin would grow into a tweener/teen that would be a negative influence. With the guns and being around drug use that kid is going to get too many inputs that are at odds with our values. I know he's family which makes it more complex, but your child comes first.

I'd want to put an end to her invites, therefore be as honest but diplomatic as possible. Thank you for the invite, but with guns and drugs, I just don't see it happening.

So I guess you guys would never let your child sleep at the home of a police officer , secret service agent or forest ranger since they have guns?

Anonymous wrote:Fear of guns doesn't work outside the Acela corridor (DC up through Boston.) Drug use brings up denial.

I do find it odd how more folks here are spun up about guns -- which admittedly are poorly stored if OP is to be believed -- than about the actual drug use.

And the reason more kids drown in swimming pools is because people treat a pool as a giant toy. Guns are respected by 90%+ of gun owners and kept out of reach of kids (and kids are told "this is a gun. DON'T PLAY WITH IT" by said 90%+ of gun owners.)

With that said, the PP who said keep in touch is helpful. If the SIL is trying to figure out what to do, it is helpful to have OP/her husband try and stay in touch with the SIL/daughter.

Wow, you have totally missed the point. Nobody said they aren't concerned about the drug use, but the guns are a much more concrete thing that the BIL/SIL can't deny having. OP had already made her decision about this sleepover, the issue here is how to communicate the decision in a way that causes as little drama as possible. As far as whether the strategy "works" in a particular area, I don't understand. OP can't be forced to let her kid sleep over at BIL/SIL's, regardless of what they think of her reasoning.

Just make it about you. say "I'm overprotective, that is just how I am." Let them think you are some kind of crazy mom who never lets their kid do anything fun. who cares what they think?

Anonymous wrote:I told a family member with guns that I wasn't comfortable sending my kid for a sleepover because of that, and she started spamming me with articles about how many more children die in backyard pools and automobile accidents. When I didn't respond to the emails, she started asking me in person "Did you get my email? Well, what do you have to say??"

I couldn't very well say "Your husband has a pronounced pervert vibe. Well, what do you have to say??"

But I wanted to.

Stand your ground, OP. I would go as far as saying kindly and privately to your SIL "The sleepover isn't going to happen. Please don't bring it up again in front of Junior."

I like this. Just say no. Otherwise you risk pushback on the gun issue. I also like the suggestion of meeting halfway.

[quote=Anonymous]The guns thing is reason enough. Even if they offer to lock up the firearms, be firm and calm and explain that, no, your child is not allowed to visit without your supervision at a home with guns in it. They can judge you and call you overprotective, but at least your kid will be alive so I say it's worth it.[/quote]
+1 Absolutely. It's not worth the risk. They should take OP's "no" as an answer and back off.

Anonymous wrote:I never understand why people get so touchy over relatives. Tell them you will not have your kids sleep in a house with guns, and also you're worried about BIL's potential drug use, and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change your mind.

Exactly. I'm more honest with my relatives than with friends. After all, you don't get to choose family, so I rather be very clear about my opinion, etc.

The guns thing is reason enough. Even if they offer to lock up the firearms, be firm and calm and explain that, no, your child is not allowed to visit without your supervision at a home with guns in it. They can judge you and call you overprotective, but at least your kid will be alive so I say it's worth it.

Fear of guns doesn't work outside the Acela corridor (DC up through Boston.) Drug use brings up denial.

I do find it odd how more folks here are spun up about guns -- which admittedly are poorly stored if OP is to be believed -- than about the actual drug use.

And the reason more kids drown in swimming pools is because people treat a pool as a giant toy. Guns are respected by 90%+ of gun owners and kept out of reach of kids (and kids are told "this is a gun. DON'T PLAY WITH IT" by said 90%+ of gun owners.)

With that said, the PP who said keep in touch is helpful. If the SIL is trying to figure out what to do, it is helpful to have OP/her husband try and stay in touch with the SIL/daughter.

Anonymous wrote:And you can make it very general - "we don't let Larla do sleepovers at homes with guns." That way it's not about them and their guns, it's just that you have this rule and they happen to be in violation of it. I certainly don't let my kid do a playdate/sleepover at a house with a gun.

OP, do this. It makes everything about your general policy on guns-equals-no sleepovers -- tell them that you have the same rule for all your son's friends re: sleepovers.

I do think, as someone else noted, that your SIL is going to then try to explain, excuse and justify like crazy because she seems invested in either keeping up appearances or she's in denial. (It's sad.) So expect some "We keep them locked up, we keep the ammo separate" and so on. That's the time to get a glazed look on your face that says you're not going to listen, and you say, I understand, but the rule's the same. Then change the subject immediately, or find a chore to do instantly, or both....

I would refer to the guns and not the drug use simply because if you bring up the latter she will be back in defensive mode and in explain, excuse mode again, only worse, I'd wager.

It sounds, though, like she and the son could use some company and some distraction from a bad home situation. If you are comfortable with it, meet them halfway between your homes when you can and get the kids together at a park, or come up with other outings -- going to a movie together, going to a kids' play or a kids' craft workshop or the Lego store for a Lego building workshop if the kids are both into that --whatever. In other words, do outings where the kids and the adults can all be focused on the activity; that leaves many fewer openings for SIL to bring up sleepovers again. But do consider seeing them. They sound as if they might possibly be reaching out and lonely, since they go home to a real problem every day. You might do them both good by seeing them, but don't invite the cousin for an overnight--as you say yourself, it sets up a reciprocation expectation.

And you can make it very general - "we don't let Larla do sleepovers at homes with guns." That way it's not about them and their guns, it's just that you have this rule and they happen to be in violation of it. I certainly don't let my kid do a playdate/sleepover at a house with a gun.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell the wife that while she really seems lovely, you just can't, in good conscience, let your child sleep over at a house where hardcore drug use is taking place and there are unsecured guns. But her child is welcome to come to your house for an overnight.

+1. She may be hurt at first, but she presumably understands the conditions she lives in and why they wouldn't be okay with every parent. Honesty is the only way to shut down the asks and still be in a position to have the cousin sleep at your house so they kids can enjoy each other.

What could happen if you told the truth and they got offended???

Short of your BIL getting out his gun, driving to your house and shooting your family in a drug-addled state of mind, I think you can handle perfectly well the possible repercussions. It's not as if keeping this heroin-addicted, gun-owning, family close is so very essential to your happiness, is it?

Speak calmly and truthfully. State the facts, not the rumors. Use objective words, not subjective. Repeat as necessary. End of story.

PS: I always find that asking myself "what could happen if..." is supremely useful to make rational decisions.