Anonymous
06/12/2013 13:48
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
I actually disagree on the separate accounts and budget part. I've never been divorced though, so take it for what it's worth. The transition from "me" to "us" isn't keeping things separate. At least it wasn't for us. Maybe that doesn't work for everyone. OP, you do have to put your foot down. "We" make choices and decisions. Of course family can visit, but "we" decide when and how. It's "our" house. If money gets spent "we" decide how and when because it's "our" money. Sit down and start talking about long range plans and what you want to spend your money on. Do you want to save up for something? New furniture or a new car? A dinner out or a trip to an amusement park? Whatever you decide is fine. Then if a brother wants to borrow money for instance there is a discussion about how much you can lend before you can still buy that car or take that trip. Or if a family member wants to visit maybe he can't until you get back from your trip. You have to check your family calendar. What is your work calendar and the school calendar? You are a FAMILY now. Start talking about that and it will help.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 13:36
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Anonymous wrote:OP, this may help with the money part. I would make a detailed budget with your husband. Figure out your income each month and divide it all up into different categories (rent/mortgage, utilities, savings, YOUR "play" money, HIS "play money, emergency fund, etc). The rule in our family is if my husband is using his allotted money (which we actually put into separate accounts so there's no questions about who used it), then he can do anything he wants with it. If he wants to give it to his brother that's great but it means he might not be able to go out to lunch with his friends or buy new clothes or whatever. This has allowed us to have freedom within our marriage since I know he won't question my purchases and me his.
You're husband might also benefit from the idea of not agreeing/offering anything right away. Listen to family and friends' problems and then brainstorm ideas (alone or with you), discuss options with you and then call them back the next day. When I was younger I would feel pressured into offering help right away and it definitely was good for me to realize that I should slept on it one night before committing my time and resources.
If my DH's siblings needed to stay with us for a little while, that wouldn't be a problem if we have the room but I would like to know what the end plan was (save money for 1 month to get their own place, move in with his parents eventually, etc)
I would also heed what other PPs have said about setting boundaries so that your husband doesn't walk all over you. You may not want to hear it, but it could be true and save you lots of heartache in the future.
This, ESP the budget part. Also, pls wait to have kids, to see if u can work these issues out. I disagree that u have to threaten to leave. A spouse should want to have a good relationship and make his partner happy regardless, not just to stave off divorce.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 13:36
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Anonymous wrote:And whatever you do, don't a child with him until you see whether he's willing to discuss these things and become a team player.
We already have a child together. This is my 2nd marriage, so I get that divorce is an option. I'm saying to you all in this forum that right here, right now, it is premature to divorce. I put that in mostly to help focus the comments. Obviously, that wasn't very successful.
For those who have suggested that there is a learning curve and that it takes time, do you have any concrete suggestions as to help us through the transition. I like the idea about the separate accounts & detailed budget.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 13:28
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
It sounds like you two have very different values with regard to helping family. You need to have some serious discussions about how you handle this, as it will always be an issue in your marriage.
And whatever you do, don't a child with him until you see whether he's willing to discuss these things and become a team player. There are plenty of divorced people who never thought that "divorce was an option," and you're naive to think that the red flags that have been pointed out won't take you down that path.
And whatever you do, don't a child with him until you see whether he's willing to discuss these things and become a team player. There are plenty of divorced people who never thought that "divorce was an option," and you're naive to think that the red flags that have been pointed out won't take you down that path.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 13:20
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
OP, this may help with the money part. I would make a detailed budget with your husband. Figure out your income each month and divide it all up into different categories (rent/mortgage, utilities, savings, YOUR "play" money, HIS "play money, emergency fund, etc). The rule in our family is if my husband is using his allotted money (which we actually put into separate accounts so there's no questions about who used it), then he can do anything he wants with it. If he wants to give it to his brother that's great but it means he might not be able to go out to lunch with his friends or buy new clothes or whatever. This has allowed us to have freedom within our marriage since I know he won't question my purchases and me his.
You're husband might also benefit from the idea of not agreeing/offering anything right away. Listen to family and friends' problems and then brainstorm ideas (alone or with you), discuss options with you and then call them back the next day. When I was younger I would feel pressured into offering help right away and it definitely was good for me to realize that I should slept on it one night before committing my time and resources.
If my DH's siblings needed to stay with us for a little while, that wouldn't be a problem if we have the room but I would like to know what the end plan was (save money for 1 month to get their own place, move in with his parents eventually, etc)
I would also heed what other PPs have said about setting boundaries so that your husband doesn't walk all over you. You may not want to hear it, but it could be true and save you lots of heartache in the future.
You're husband might also benefit from the idea of not agreeing/offering anything right away. Listen to family and friends' problems and then brainstorm ideas (alone or with you), discuss options with you and then call them back the next day. When I was younger I would feel pressured into offering help right away and it definitely was good for me to realize that I should slept on it one night before committing my time and resources.
If my DH's siblings needed to stay with us for a little while, that wouldn't be a problem if we have the room but I would like to know what the end plan was (save money for 1 month to get their own place, move in with his parents eventually, etc)
I would also heed what other PPs have said about setting boundaries so that your husband doesn't walk all over you. You may not want to hear it, but it could be true and save you lots of heartache in the future.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 12:43
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
You want to say "yes or no" - that's calling the shots OP, not being part of a "team"
He should have transitioned to "us" before you got married.
Do not expect him to change now.
He should have transitioned to "us" before you got married.
Do not expect him to change now.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 12:25
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if your husband knows that you think like that. If he does,he likely figures he can do whatever because you won't stand up to him. Sure,you can talk til your face turns blue, but if he knows that ultimately you're going to not leave him, he'll do what he wants. And unless he feels the same way as you, if he starts to find you too annoying, then he will leave you.
Not trying to be mean OP. But when a guy knows his wife isnt going to leave him no matter what,hes going to walk all over her.
Bingo
Anonymous
06/12/2013 12:25
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think I am being childish. I drew a boundary -- the very advice some of you have given me. Divorce is not an option for me. Leaving him is not an option. Regretting my decision to marry him and perhaps failing to heed red flags does not help me now.
He is giving you more red flags now about our future, which u will keep ignoring.
So yeah heeding red flags will help.
Of course he knows u will never leave him, so he can do whatever he hell he wants.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 12:19
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if your husband knows that you think like that. If he does,he likely figures he can do whatever because you won't stand up to him. Sure,you can talk til your face turns blue, but if he knows that ultimately you're going to not leave him, he'll do what he wants. And unless he feels the same way as you, if he starts to find you too annoying, then he will leave you.
Not trying to be mean OP. But when a guy knows his wife isnt going to leave him no matter what,hes going to walk all over her.
Op, read very carefully what this poster is saying. Unfortunately is 100% true. It looks to me you have a lot of growing up ahead of you. Just Open your eyes.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 11:47
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
I think you and a female friend should take 2000 and go on a vacation while the brother is staying there. Don't ask, just tell, and when he complains, say I am just making decisions unilaterally like you did.
Is he from a Latin or Asian etc culture where extended family is very valued?
Is he from a Latin or Asian etc culture where extended family is very valued?
Anonymous
06/12/2013 11:39
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
If you have another place to go, I'd move out and stay there while his brother is there. If he wants his brother as a roomate over you, no problem.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 11:38
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Oh, and I will add that the people who say you should divorce are full of it. Money and in-laws are two HUGE areas of contention for any married couple. Some married couples are lucky enough not to have to face this issue early on, or ever. You guys just happen to be facing it early. It's a test for your relationship, but navigating these kinds of things is the essence of a mature relationship.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 11:37
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
OP, your husband is absolutely wrong not to discuss these issues with you beforehand. It is rude and dismissive. That being said, however, if my sister needed to stay with us for a bit, or needed money that we had available, although I would absolutely discuss it with my husband before committing anything, I would likely not accept no as an answer, absent some reasonable and compelling reason (e.g., our own financial issues etc., if she hadn't paid us back in the past, or had been an inconsiderate guest).
Anonymous
06/12/2013 11:36
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Ha, the way you describe your DH reminds me of mine. He KNOWS that he should consult you, and that's why he gets pissy when you call him on it. Does he make naughty puppy eyes when he does it? 
That's actually a good sign because he realizes he's doing the wrong thing, he's just in the process of figuring out how to manage his new life.
This is a learning curve, and you just have to keep on having this discussion with him. The most important thing is to not let it turn into a hurtful fight. You do have to keep on standing up for yourself (which includes getting angry), but be careful not to turn it into a "you always fuck up" kind of thing. That's not very productive.
Boundaries aren't created overnight by a couple. Despite the nomenclature, you can't actually just draw a line and refuse to ever have it crossed by anyone. It's a learning process. Your DH has to come to trust that you share his value of support and loyalty to family, and you have to come to trust that DH will always work with you to make sure your needs are met and that you come first.
That's actually a good sign because he realizes he's doing the wrong thing, he's just in the process of figuring out how to manage his new life.
This is a learning curve, and you just have to keep on having this discussion with him. The most important thing is to not let it turn into a hurtful fight. You do have to keep on standing up for yourself (which includes getting angry), but be careful not to turn it into a "you always fuck up" kind of thing. That's not very productive.
Boundaries aren't created overnight by a couple. Despite the nomenclature, you can't actually just draw a line and refuse to ever have it crossed by anyone. It's a learning process. Your DH has to come to trust that you share his value of support and loyalty to family, and you have to come to trust that DH will always work with you to make sure your needs are met and that you come first.
Anonymous
06/12/2013 11:34
Subject: DH doesn't include me in decisions that affect us as a family
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't think I am being childish. I drew a boundary -- the very advice some of you have given me. Divorce is not an option for me. Leaving him is not an option. Regretting my decision to marry him and perhaps failing to heed red flags does not help me now.
If you didn't let him know there will be consequences, then you didn't draw a boundary. That's what people are trying to tell you.
If you just say, "I want you to consult me; we're partners," but make it pretty clear that if he doesn't, you won't do anything about it, then he's not going to consult you. From your own post, you have made clear that he has said he doesn't think he has to consult you and he's not willing to go to counseling to even reach a compromise. He is the one who has drawn the boundary.
The reality is that there isn't anything you can do if you are unwilling to even tell him that you will leave if he doesn't compromise. And the problem is that it is setting the stage for him to walk all over you for the rest of your lives together.
I have seen marriages like this. If you don't nip stuff like this in the bud early on, it only gets worse.
You need to be willing to leave, and you need to communicate to him that there will be consequences if he doesn't include you. If you want to be considered and equal and a partner, then you have to make it clear that if you aren't included and regarded as an equal and/or a partner, then you will walk (no matter how much you love him) because the vows, the arrangement, the promise, was to be a partnership.