Anonymous wrote:Poor child!!!!!

How dare you? You don't have to be fake. Just congratulate her for working so hard and delivering her best. If she's not embarrassed, nobody is mocking her and the teacher is supportive why would you get on her way???

You sound a lot like my BF's narcissistic mother. She kept my friend from doing all the things she loved to save her from embarrassment. My poor friend was never good enough at anything.

Obviously her mother could not stomach my friend being good at anything so she just cut her from everything that brought my friend joy.

Please seek help before you destroy this girl's life.

okay- I agree the kid should dance, but "destroy this girl's life"?? you are being waaay too dramatic and projecting waaay too much here!

Geez, I have a 9yo son, and I'm thrilled that he's still young enough occasionally to just enjoy being a kid without feeling the horrible competitiveness that seems to infect everything in this area, including your attitude OP. Seriously, I only have clutzy boys, so I'll never have the experience of watching a dance recital, but I just can't imagine being so ashamed of my kids that I'd want them not to do something they enjoyed. If there was a problem that required addressing, the teacher would be on it. Your angst is about you, not your daughter. Get over it, and appreciate the fact that your daughter is enjoying something special.

Your daughter may be a terrible dancer, and you may or may not be able to assist her in helping her performance be anything other than cringe-worthy. That may all be true. That said, we all signed up for cringe-worthy events when we had kids, and we just need to suck it up, put on a smile, and float through the day being supportive. We've all been there (or will be there sometime in the future). It can feel awful, especially if you are sensitive yourself. But so goes life. Just know you are not alone, that your daughter needs your support, and that, as my mother apparently used to say to my father about my tap dancing days, this too shall pass.

You have to let her dance for her self-esteem. I could give you so many reasons of why this is good for your daughter AND the other kids. Your daughter is trying, practicing at home, diligently going to class. This is a perfect example of when to praise the effort, not the result. And it shows great self-presence that your daughter wants to continue to dance and learn even though she might be behind the class. You are really lucky. Don't kill this self-esteem. My DD throws in the towel if she isn't perfect and it is a struggle for us to convince her that mistakes are great learning experiences.

Further, this is a good learning experience for the other kids, showing them that it is OK to make mistakes. My DD was in a group music recital last year, and the lead of the show (and the oldest kid) made a blunder in the beginning; he simply started over and then the piece went beautifully (well, there was a wrinkle in the middle, but the other kids adapted). The point is (1) it was a great for my DD to see that other kids make mistakes and that life goes on; and (2) the other kids adapted.

If your daughter really was in danger of hurting other kids in the class, then the teacher would modify the routine. My DD had her dance recital recently and the morning of the performance the teacher made a last minute switch to the routine, b/c in the dress rehearsal one or two of the kids weren't getting it. It worked out really well.

Trust me, I've been in your shoes -- my kids do lots of activities and have lots of performances, and many of them don't go smoothly. My DD couldn't remember her piano piece and sat in silence for a few mnutes in the middle. It was heart wrenching, but she got threw it and it gave her the confidence to know that she could do it. My other child refused to play in his recital. Just sat there and didn't do anything. It happens, but if your daughter is willing to give it a try, good for her. You don't have to lie and tell her she was great -- you tell her how proud you are of how hard she worked. And bring flowers.

Uggh. I'm glad you're not my mom. I can't believe you would think to pull your daughter from the recital. Get over your embarrassment. Sure 9 isn't 4.5, but at 9 she is still very young. At this age, dance for many is all about costumes and being on stage. Not all kids get dance and that's fine. Who are you to set the standard for performance. Leave that to the teacher/artistic director. Don't make your daughter self conscious and suck all the joy out of her and this experience by pulling her. Be supportive of her. Let her dance.

Just to echo some of the previous posters, a dance troupe is a team. They all work together alongside the teacher to prepare for the recital. Not every team has a cadre of David Beckhams or Derek Jeters and not every dance troupe can have a ton of prima ballerinas. So what if she is a little clumsy or doesn't have the musicality. She is having a good time and learning a whole host of other skills: the discipline of working towards a goal, how to be part of a team, performance skills, etc. And as part of the process you want to penalize her? Please think twice, stop worrying about what the other girls or moms are thinking and just let her have this experience. Living a life being great at everything we do just isn't realistic and the truth is, we learn more from our failures/shortcomings than we do our successes. Good luck and do keep us posted. The smile on her face after the performance will be so worth your decision to maintain a 'show-must-go-on' mentality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this makes me sad. Part of being a parent is watching your kids be completely inept at certain things and awesome at others, or just mediocre. As long as she doesn't care and wants to be in the recital, you've got to let her do it.

My kid is 4.5 and has been taking dance since she was 2. She's pretty terrible, but man, does she enjoy herself. Every recital that comes along (4x a year), my friends and I place bets on what particular thing she will do wrong this time. Will she: (a) show everyone her underpants? (2) Announce to everyone something really embarrassing? (3) run to hug me in the middle of class? (4) be completely off in every single routine?

Thing is, she is awesome comic relief for the other parents. There is a lot of chuckling when she does her thing. how could I deprive them of that? I know she's only 4, but I anticipate lots of years of clueless bad dancing. We are not a dancing family. Luckily we have other skills. As I'm sure your daughter does.

The thing is - what is cute at 4.5 is no longer cute at age 9 - nor is it cute to the parents watching.

As far as helping at home, she has been practicing at home and seems to know the steps while working on it alone but the problem seems to be on timing and working with others. And yes, I am concerned about the other girls because my DD almost collided with one today and knocked her over. This wasn't funny or cute and there was no laughing by anyone.

Musician here again. I guarantee you are blowing whatever happened today out of proportion because you are nervous about how it will feel to be the parent of the girl who cant dance very well. You have to get past this. She made mistakes in class and she will probably make less in the recital but pulling her out for making mistakes and even messing others up in a rehearsal is idiotic in my opinion. People make mistakes in rehearsals every day and this is actually what they are for - to tell us where we need to do better, to alert us as to who needs more help and support, and to teach us how we can better cover for them or be preventative so that the presentation as a whole is still great. If the teacher hasnt told you she is destroying the experience for everyone else than you need to buck up and support your daughter.

I have played in countless concerts in groups over the past 4 decades and there is always someone who is weaker - this is to be expected. And it isnt a crime. It is normal - even in the highest levels of performance if you have 5 people in a group, there will be one who is weakest and makes the others have to work harder to keep the presentation up. This is expected and nobody makes anyone feel badly for it - it just IS. If the kids are upset, the teacher will re direct them and explain some version of what I just stated.

+100

OP you should be ashamed of yourself. It could be catastrophic to her self esteem to pull her out of the recital against her wishes, as another PP alluded to. Talk to the teacher if you're so concerned, but this is NOT about you, it is about your daughter. Support her.

But even if you do "let" her dance, I fear for her teenage years with such a judgmental mother. You need more help than we can give you, I fear.

Anonymous wrote:So talk to the instructor, and work like crazy with her in the time you have left. You need to put in some time with your child.

And, as for what to say when it is over, look at her, smile, and say, I love to watch you dance.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/16/six-words-you-should-say-today/

Every once in a while a diamond emerges from the rough. Your post is that diamond for me. That article was beautiful. My DCs aren't yet old enough for the extracurricular activities that the article describes, but I took a screen shot of the article so I can continue to go back to it. Thank you for sharing!! I hope OP reads it.

You are going to need to get over your embarrassment. I was an amazing ballet dancer as a child. There was always one girl who was fat, messy and uncoordinated. I secretly made it my personal mission to try to make that girl have fun.

If you pull your daughter from the dance, you will screw up the spacing for all the other girls in the class.

What's your long term plan? "Sorry Larla, you can't take dance class. Why? Because remember when you were 9 and you sucked at it? I can't handle the embarrassment of being related to you. Why don't you try soccer? We don't have any confirmation you suck at that yet." Sometimes doing what's best is not always doing what's easiest in the moment.

LET LARLA DANCE!

Is she practicing at home with the music? Can she count the music? Have you worked with her or is it her practicing on her own? What type of dance is it? Ballet, tap, hip hop?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this makes me sad. Part of being a parent is watching your kids be completely inept at certain things and awesome at others, or just mediocre. As long as she doesn't care and wants to be in the recital, you've got to let her do it.

My kid is 4.5 and has been taking dance since she was 2. She's pretty terrible, but man, does she enjoy herself. Every recital that comes along (4x a year), my friends and I place bets on what particular thing she will do wrong this time. Will she: (a) show everyone her underpants? (2) Announce to everyone something really embarrassing? (3) run to hug me in the middle of class? (4) be completely off in every single routine?

Thing is, she is awesome comic relief for the other parents. There is a lot of chuckling when she does her thing. how could I deprive them of that? I know she's only 4, but I anticipate lots of years of clueless bad dancing. We are not a dancing family. Luckily we have other skills. As I'm sure your daughter does.

The thing is - what is cute at 4.5 is no longer cute at age 9 - nor is it cute to the parents watching.

As far as helping at home, she has been practicing at home and seems to know the steps while working on it alone but the problem seems to be on timing and working with others. And yes, I am concerned about the other girls because my DD almost collided with one today and knocked her over. This wasn't funny or cute and there was no laughing by anyone.

Musician here again. I guarantee you are blowing whatever happened today out of proportion because you are nervous about how it will feel to be the parent of the girl who cant dance very well. You have to get past this. She made mistakes in class and she will probably make less in the recital but pulling her out for making mistakes and even messing others up in a rehearsal is idiotic in my opinion. People make mistakes in rehearsals every day and this is actually what they are for - to tell us where we need to do better, to alert us as to who needs more help and support, and to teach us how we can better cover for them or be preventative so that the presentation as a whole is still great. If the teacher hasnt told you she is destroying the experience for everyone else than you need to buck up and support your daughter.

I have played in countless concerts in groups over the past 4 decades and there is always someone who is weaker - this is to be expected. And it isnt a crime. It is normal - even in the highest levels of performance if you have 5 people in a group, there will be one who is weakest and makes the others have to work harder to keep the presentation up. This is expected and nobody makes anyone feel badly for it - it just IS. If the kids are upset, the teacher will re direct them and explain some version of what I just stated.

If she can't count music, does the song have lyrics?

Ask the teacher if you can videotape her doing the dance.

If it is a beginner dance, it is probably very 8 count-ish.

There should be obvious moments of transitions, which probably go along with the lyrics and specific music crescendos and moments.

Give your daughter cues from the lyrics which match the transitions, so she can have spots in the dance where she can regroup with what she is supposed to be doing.

Your daughter just might not hear the music or beat. Some kids never do. Add that to being generally uncoordinated, and it can get tricky. You need to help her through this, without making her feel worse than she probably already does.

Don't pull her from recital. That would be heartless, and will stay with her forever.

There's no need to lie about her performance. You can find things that you can praise honestly: ("I liked how you did that turn at the end! You looked so beautiful in your tutu! You looked like you were having so much fun! Wow, you have all learned so many things this year!) And you can ask how she felt about it.

If she wants to dance again, let her dance again. You can consult with the teacher to figure out what level she should be in (maybe it would be better for her to repeat the same level). But she's a kid. If she wants to dance, let her dance.

As a former not-so-great dancer myself, I might add that I never did well learning the routines by memory. There may be other techniques of learning them that would help, if this is something she would like to continue.

Poor child!!!!!

How dare you? You don't have to be fake. Just congratulate her for working so hard and delivering her best. If she's not embarrassed, nobody is mocking her and the teacher is supportive why would you get on her way???

You sound a lot like my BF's narcissistic mother. She kept my friend from doing all the things she loved to save her from embarrassment. My poor friend was never good enough at anything.

Obviously her mother could not stomach my friend being good at anything so she just cut her from everything that brought my friend joy.

Please seek help before you destroy this girl's life.

So talk to the instructor, and work like crazy with her in the time you have left. You need to put in some time with your child.

And, as for what to say when it is over, look at her, smile, and say, I love to watch you dance.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/04/16/six-words-you-should-say-today/