I am starting to feel a bit badly now for not stepping in sooner. I guess I didn't want to offend my friends, and I didn't want to say much whenever something happened because I knew their child couldn't always help it or understand. I didn't want to seem like I wasn't being understanding. But it doesn't matter...I should be reinforcing with my own child that no one has the right to hit or hurt him ever. Thank you everyone for your suggestions and advice.

We had this issue so we instructed our kid to punch the aggressor in the face until he stopped . It worked and the aggressor moved on to someone else . We have instructed our kid to stand down unless instructed otherwise by us.

As others mentioned above, a host of other issues could explain the outbursts. We had a similar situation when the son of one of my really good friend started to hit my daughter. They were 3, and in preschool together.

We made efforts to always be on hand and divert / diffuse any frustration and had some success, but it was exhausting and nobody was having fun. We agreed to give each other a break for a while, and communicated the fact to the preschool as well. A few months later, we were able to allow them to play together without incident. They grew into really good friends.

Throughout the process, I told my daughter what was happening. That nobody should ever be hitting her. That we love her friend dearly but have to take a break to give him a chance to learn bettrr control. When they were finally allowed to play together, we, the moms, watched like eagles for any sign of trouble. And I commented to my daughter that her friend had used that time to learn, and it's ok to remain his friend throughout the process, but we all have to stay safe. To this day, she remembers that time (she's 8 now), and we have used it as a blueprint for learning to manage the ups and downs of friendships in general. Last summer, we had to take the same approach with another friend, a neighbor, who was telling all sort of weird, untruth scary stories. Working with her mom, we again gave the kids some encouragement to stay apart for a while and watched the reconnection like eagles. I'm a better friend to her mom for it and the girls both learned some skills. They are pretty good friends these days, but definitely know when to give each other some space.

Anonymous wrote:I found this link. Is the information in it accurate...? I'm really not trying to diagnose, I'm just trying to find more information to see if there's anything I can do to understand better...

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/06/anger-and-violence-in-aspergers.html

If some of the information in this link is true, and if it does apply to our situation, then I'm wondering if providing more structure in the playtime would be helpful. (I realize I can't be sure if it applies in our situation or not, but if there are small adjustments I can make that don't affect the playtime that much, I'm willing to try.)

Wow I don't doubt that some kids with AS have anger control issues but my DS and most of the kids I know with AS are extremely gentle. I would hate to perpetuate the idea that kids with AS are prone to violence. Rather we should understand that AS comes in all sorts of varieties.

OP, please stop trying to diagnose this child. You say you aren't, but you are. This is a distraction. You have a situation where a child is treating your child badly and you need to approach it as you would with any situation. Talk to the mother. Set boundaries. Make it clear to the mom -- how should we handle X, Y and Z (be specific -- what do we do if your child gets frustrated and hits). Work collaboratively. The diagnosis is none of your business.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I wouldn't worry about the wording of your post and I don't think you're trying to diagnose anything.

I agree with the PP's suggestion in part that you calmly and factually talk about the behavior. I wouldn't say, "Could you get him to stop doing that please?" because no one can control their kid NT or SN.

Simply say "What are your thoughts on how to address this?" You can share your thoughts too.

If they get offended or take it personally then so be it. I doubt they will b/c I'm sure they realize the importance of learning social skills. It won't be fun bringing it up but it's very thoughtful to try and work out what to do. Most parents would drop this kid like a hot potato. So on behalf of all the parents with kids with SNs who have to beat the bushes for a play date, thank you.

I agree with this PP. I am surprised that some people are suggesting taking a break from the friendship. The child is very young and it sounds like the parents are in the process of figuring stuff out... even if the child has had other issues they may not have seen the aggression in this way before. They may be struggling with how to handle it. I hope you would try this kind of response first. It would show that you don't tolerate the behavior but that you accept the child.

I found this link. Is the information in it accurate...? I'm really not trying to diagnose, I'm just trying to find more information to see if there's anything I can do to understand better...

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/06/anger-and-violence-in-aspergers.html

If some of the information in this link is true, and if it does apply to our situation, then I'm wondering if providing more structure in the playtime would be helpful. (I realize I can't be sure if it applies in our situation or not, but if there are small adjustments I can make that don't affect the playtime that much, I'm willing to try.)

Anonymous wrote:OP here... okay, good to know... will make sure to be careful! I'm thankful for all the advice I've gotten here! You guys really care for your children, and that's one thing you're children definitely have going for them.

okay.. I didn't mean that they have that going for them bc they are SN ... I just meant the kids have that going for them generally in life, because a lot of parents just don't care...

going to put my foot back in my mouth now.

OP here... okay, good to know... will make sure to be careful! I'm thankful for all the advice I've gotten here! You guys really care for your children, and that's one thing you're children definitely have going for them.

OP - this doesn't sound like autism at all to me. It sounds sensory. careful how you proceed with this.....just talk to the mom, tell her what you've noticed but do not ever mention what you think the DX is. If you did that to me, Id clobber you.

Special needs and neuro-typical

What do SN or NT mean?

OP,

I wouldn't worry about the wording of your post and I don't think you're trying to diagnose anything.

I agree with the PP's suggestion in part that you calmly and factually talk about the behavior. I wouldn't say, "Could you get him to stop doing that please?" because no one can control their kid NT or SN.

Simply say "What are your thoughts on how to address this?" You can share your thoughts too.

If they get offended or take it personally then so be it. I doubt they will b/c I'm sure they realize the importance of learning social skills. It won't be fun bringing it up but it's very thoughtful to try and work out what to do. Most parents would drop this kid like a hot potato. So on behalf of all the parents with kids with SNs who have to beat the bushes for a play date, thank you.