Atay = stay

OP, you are right. Atay away. Very few people like this are "reciprocal" and are looking for a handout. "Reciprocal" my a&&!

Find friends that save their "favors" for rare emergencies - i.e.: NOT every week, or even every month.

We know people that always have to come here for playdates, and it gets old. We also know people who cry poor (sometimes the same people), yet spend, spend, spend and try to justify it like they "deserve" it. WHAT???!!!! Everything is one way. It gets old very quickly, though the TAKERS disagree! Go figure.

Anonymous wrote:I think the annoyance is (1) having to hear the complaints about the lack of money as if it is something outside their control in combination with (2) watching them spend in a manner that is digging their hole deeper.

That is annoying.

If they never complained about money or even acknowledged their lack of self control that contributed to the situation and there was a reciprocal exchange of support this would probably not be an issue.

I didn't see anything in OP's post that indicated her friends were in a hole. It sounds like they complain about not having enough money, whatever that means, but nothing about actually going into debt. She says that the favors are reciprocal, so there's not even a "debt" in their relationship with her. Perhaps they ARE financing their fun and toys with debt, but they could just be expressing a wish that they had even more cash to spend. (Which would be annoying but not really wrong.)

Anonymous wrote:I thought OP was going a different way. With my sister, it seems that I 'play the poor card' as she says and then she criticizes my every spending habit. But, our HHI are VERY different (she's at least 4 times ours) and she's never had to make ends meet the way we do. When she asks us to do a girls night out or go away for a weekend and I say it's not in our budget, she'll bring up the fact that I bought my kids clothing or bought them a toy or did some 'want' repair to the home and not a 'need' repair. It get's annoying but there is no other way to say sorry, we can't go away that weekend- she'll choose another one.

But, we are not vacationing and I think that taking out a loan for a vacation has hot mess finances written all over it. Everyone has different priorities but it seems they need a reality check!

Have you tried to talk to them about it? Kind of then did you see in the news the family that lost everything type thing. I know it's hard but once my sister finally bitched me out, I've never said another word about finances...she still tries to tell me how to spend my money though.

Too bad your sister can't buy some manners with that big income of hers!

Anonymous wrote:I think the annoyance is (1) having to hear the complaints about the lack of money as if it is something outside their control in combination with (2) watching them spend in a manner that is digging their hole deeper.

That is annoying.

If they never complained about money or even acknowledged their lack of self control that contributed to the situation and there was a reciprocal exchange of support this would probably not be an issue.

This. I know a couple that complains all the time about how they are so broke, but they spend money on a lot of things which I consider to be luxuries. I don't really care how they spend their money, I just don't want to hear them complain about how poor they are all the time. Anyways, we don't hang out much anymore.

I know people like this. They can afford everything because they owe a few years' worth of back taxes. :o

Anonymous wrote:Do not put yourself out (baby-sitting, pet-sitting, meal-paying, etc) for these people.

You are funding their cancellation fees and new gizmos right now. Is that how much you are worth to them?

I sort of agree. You need to really LET GO. I only mean in your head - of their actions and their consequences for their actions. Let them make their mistakes and feel those consequences. Do not follow them around with a mattress to fall on. Sure, as a friend, you can babysit from time to time, but a whole freaking week? You're not the grandparents, I mean, that's sort of outrageous in my opinion. I would stop paying for everything, and I would not babysit for more than an evening for these people. They are freaking certifiable. Frankly, I would find new friends too and let them fade out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the annoyance is (1) having to hear the complaints about the lack of money as if it is something outside their control in combination with (2) watching them spend in a manner that is digging their hole deeper.

That is annoying.

If they never complained about money or even acknowledged their lack of self control that contributed to the situation and there was a reciprocal exchange of support this would probably not be an issue.

I don't see that. I understand the annoyance about vacations since it imposes on her (in a reciprocal relationship, but even so...). But monitoring when they replace electronics? That's a bit much for the OP. That's really intrusive.

I think there's more to the story here. She begins by saying the always had money until a few years ago. What happened? The economy? And they haven't adjusted their lifestyle? Fine. That's understandable, but have a bit more compassion. Or, did one elect to stay home and they've continued to live beyond their means? That's a little bit of a different story.

Either way, she totally lost me when she complained about how they replace their electronics. I mean, really? That's really petty.

We have dear friends who also complain about money, how they will never have enough to retire, etc. But they travel A LOT. And buy expensive furniture. And cool electronics. And new cars. And, and, and.

It is annoying. It is annoying because we would like for them to be able to enjoy retirement with us. It is annoying because they talk about how they won't have the money for retirement, but are not doing anything about it.

And it also rankles a bit because it says that they value spending in the here and now more than saving for the future, whereas we hope that we are balancing fun now and saving enough for fun later. Those different values are uncomfortable to admit and accept when you are such close friends. Am I jealous of some of the trips? Yes. But I know that we are doing what's best for our financial future, and we already take more and nicer trips than most Americans and will be able to for many decades to come.

OP -- I think you can probably come up with a light-hearted way to ask them to not complain to you if they aren't going to do anything to fix the problem. That if they want your advice and guidance, great. Otherwise, please drop the topic. Same if they were talking about losing 20 lbs while eating a bag of oreos.

OP: I think that you feel they are taking advantage of you. So stop doing things for them for free. Their financial problem ended, but they did not tell you and are enjoying your help. If it does not feel right, stop doing it. (They may never have had a problem in the first place and were just talking...)

Anonymous wrote:I think the annoyance is (1) having to hear the complaints about the lack of money as if it is something outside their control in combination with (2) watching them spend in a manner that is digging their hole deeper.

That is annoying.

If they never complained about money or even acknowledged their lack of self control that contributed to the situation and there was a reciprocal exchange of support this would probably not be an issue.

I don't see that. I understand the annoyance about vacations since it imposes on her (in a reciprocal relationship, but even so...). But monitoring when they replace electronics? That's a bit much for the OP. That's really intrusive.

I think there's more to the story here. She begins by saying the always had money until a few years ago. What happened? The economy? And they haven't adjusted their lifestyle? Fine. That's understandable, but have a bit more compassion. Or, did one elect to stay home and they've continued to live beyond their means? That's a little bit of a different story.

Either way, she totally lost me when she complained about how they replace their electronics. I mean, really? That's really petty.

Why are the rich always broke? Because they are always buying new things... vacations, 2nd homes, 3rd homes, better college, new car, new properties, boat...etc. Then they cry poverty. It is a style some people have. But you do not need to fund it. Just say no to those extras which bother you. And use non-verbal cues to let them know you do not want to hear about their financials.

Anonymous wrote:I think the annoyance is (1) having to hear the complaints about the lack of money as if it is something outside their control in combination with (2) watching them spend in a manner that is digging their hole deeper.

That is annoying.

If they never complained about money or even acknowledged their lack of self control that contributed to the situation and there was a reciprocal exchange of support this would probably not be an issue.

+1

I think the annoyance is (1) having to hear the complaints about the lack of money as if it is something outside their control in combination with (2) watching them spend in a manner that is digging their hole deeper.

That is annoying.

If they never complained about money or even acknowledged their lack of self control that contributed to the situation and there was a reciprocal exchange of support this would probably not be an issue.

Despite having a high HHI, there are quite a few times we decline trips or events due to "not having the money". This is because we live on a budget. If we have maxed out our entertainment budget by the 10th of the month, that means that we cannot go to PassionFish on the 20th of the month. Also, maybe we are doing something special, like heading to Disney in grand style, this means that we will tighten everything else up before and after the trip to fit it into our allocated disposable income.

Nosy people like the OP might assume that we don't live in our means, but it is quite the opposite, we live well within our means, which means sticking to a budget. I love the way people like the OP think they know it all when it comes to other people's finances and what they have and don't have.

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Anonymous wrote:I never understand people like the OP who obsess about other people's financial situation. I would look at it this way:

-When they ask, am I willing to watch their kids or pets?

My answer is independent of their cash flow issues. The OP sounds resentful and bitter and I'm not so sure why her neighbors balance sheet is of any consequence.

I think it's because deep down she knows they're living life and she wishes she had more courage to live in the present.

Hey it's easy to live life if I have someone that'll watch my kids for free!

Yes! But I'd also point out that OP was clear that as a reciprocal relationship. So, it's kind of hard to understand her fixation with their finances or why it is any concern of hers. She gets reciprocal value from the babysitting and petsitting, unless I'm missing something.

I know. It seems OP's friends are just living their lives in way she disagrees with. As long as they're not hitting OP up for $$$ and are returning the favors ... why be bothered?