Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 10:17     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I love coming to this forum because this group of ppl are so wise and usually have great advice. Thanks to everyone that has responded so far. It's amazing how much others "know" about the situation and can hit the nail right on the head, just based on the facts that I tell.

So should I let her maneuver these 2 weeks of studying for finals on her own? Not take away electronics, not have her create/plan a schedule? She is a procrastinator so I'm concerned that she may wait until the night before an exam to study on her own. Her reasoning will be that they are going over the information in class so she wouldn't need to do any at home studying.
I have told her that if she wants to create a study group with some classmates that I am open to having some girls over at the house.


I think it's ok to ask her what she thinks she needs to do to get the grades she wants/deserves.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 10:11     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
OP here. I love coming to this forum because this group of ppl are so wise and usually have great advice. Thanks to everyone that has responded so far. It's amazing how much others "know" about the situation and can hit the nail right on the head, just based on the facts that I tell.

So should I let her maneuver these 2 weeks of studying for finals on her own? Not take away electronics, not have her create/plan a schedule? She is a procrastinator so I'm concerned that she may wait until the night before an exam to study on her own. Her reasoning will be that they are going over the information in class so she wouldn't need to do any at home studying.
I have told her that if she wants to create a study group with some classmates that I am open to having some girls over at the house.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 09:11     Subject: Re:Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
My DD was diagnosed ADD as a freshman after her grades tanked. She'll graduate HS.with a 3.8 for the last 3 years (her college seems to have forgiven freshman grades). Not uncommon for smart girls to get by until high school when classes start to get hard.
I get that you need her out of the house in 3 years, but you can't dump all that on her that at age 14. And worst case, one year at a community or "lesser" college with a plan to transfer is not failure.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 09:09     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:I would ask her what she thinks she can do to solve the problem. She's old enough to know! Then have her implement it.


I agree with this (assuming she thinks there is a problem).
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 09:07     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I made mistakes by not holding her more accountable during the school year. The problem is she has been coasting this year. Other than her foreign language classes, she hardly ever studies for tests and manages to get A's in math and science(her strong subjects), and B's in everything else. The problem has been not turning in HW or doing projects and she gest F's and now she has enough where all A grades are now B's and B's are now C's. If she bombs finals, hopefully they don't count so much where she will fail the course for the year. The summer job helping me financially, I just meant for her school clothes and summer extra fun. Not to pay any household bills. She very much know how strongly I feel about her grades and digs her heels in and thinks she is hurting me by not performing. Anyway, I will tell her that electronics are off during study time and we will go from there. Thanks!


I'm the PP who said you can't win a power struggle and thats exactly what it sounds like. Her grades sound fine, actually. But the dynamic you've created over them sounds unhealthy.


I totally agree. I think you need to back off a little here (perhaps a lot). She'll be upset about her own grades - you don't need to be upset for her. Ask her what she thinks would help, and try to help her do it. I doubt cracking down on her will help - probably only push her away more. You don't sound very supportive (or your support is misplaced).


OP here. Yes, maybe I do need to back off, but the truth is I want her out of my house in 3 years and off to college, military...somewhere . She doesn't seem to "get it" that for every low grade that she receives it is closing more college doors and lessening her options. I want her to have real options, not going to community college because she let her grades tank. As for being supportive, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that. I help her study or do projects whenever she asks; sometimes I insist on studying with her because I'm not positive her studying techniques are sufficient. I allow her to follow her "dreams"..she dances competitively, play instruments, and participates in sports. Any extracurricular she wants to do, I try to make it happen (within reason). I am her biggest fan and cheerleader. I've gone to every single dance competition, recital, meet/game. I just want her to do better in her school work (sigh).


I didn't mean that kind of supportive. Actually, you are a great mom and you want the best for your DD. BUT ... I really think you need to let her take control. I bet she is worried as hell about disappointing you. Why don't you tell her that you'll love her no matter what her grades or future (and mean it)? I think you're trying to control too much of her future, with the best of intentions, but you run the risk of her rebelling. Let her show you what she can make of herself. Just talk to her about your experience and advice, but don't put too much pressure on her - just in a helpful (not controlling) way.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 09:02     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I made mistakes by not holding her more accountable during the school year. The problem is she has been coasting this year. Other than her foreign language classes, she hardly ever studies for tests and manages to get A's in math and science(her strong subjects), and B's in everything else. The problem has been not turning in HW or doing projects and she gest F's and now she has enough where all A grades are now B's and B's are now C's. If she bombs finals, hopefully they don't count so much where she will fail the course for the year. The summer job helping me financially, I just meant for her school clothes and summer extra fun. Not to pay any household bills. She very much know how strongly I feel about her grades and digs her heels in and thinks she is hurting me by not performing. Anyway, I will tell her that electronics are off during study time and we will go from there. Thanks!


I'm the PP who said you can't win a power struggle and thats exactly what it sounds like. Her grades sound fine, actually. But the dynamic you've created over them sounds unhealthy.


I totally agree. I think you need to back off a little here (perhaps a lot). She'll be upset about her own grades - you don't need to be upset for her. Ask her what she thinks would help, and try to help her do it. I doubt cracking down on her will help - probably only push her away more. You don't sound very supportive (or your support is misplaced).


OP here. Yes, maybe I do need to back off, but the truth is I want her out of my house in 3 years and off to college, military...somewhere . She doesn't seem to "get it" that for every low grade that she receives it is closing more college doors and lessening her options. I want her to have real options, not going to community college because she let her grades tank. As for being supportive, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that. I help her study or do projects whenever she asks; sometimes I insist on studying with her because I'm not positive her studying techniques are sufficient. I allow her to follow her "dreams"..she dances competitively, play instruments, and participates in sports. Any extracurricular she wants to do, I try to make it happen (within reason). I am her biggest fan and cheerleader. I've gone to every single dance competition, recital, meet/game. I just want her to do better in her school work (sigh).
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 08:17     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I made mistakes by not holding her more accountable during the school year. The problem is she has been coasting this year. Other than her foreign language classes, she hardly ever studies for tests and manages to get A's in math and science(her strong subjects), and B's in everything else. The problem has been not turning in HW or doing projects and she gest F's and now she has enough where all A grades are now B's and B's are now C's. If she bombs finals, hopefully they don't count so much where she will fail the course for the year. The summer job helping me financially, I just meant for her school clothes and summer extra fun. Not to pay any household bills. She very much know how strongly I feel about her grades and digs her heels in and thinks she is hurting me by not performing. Anyway, I will tell her that electronics are off during study time and we will go from there. Thanks!


I'm the PP who said you can't win a power struggle and thats exactly what it sounds like. Her grades sound fine, actually. But the dynamic you've created over them sounds unhealthy.


I totally agree. I think you need to back off a little here (perhaps a lot). She'll be upset about her own grades - you don't need to be upset for her. Ask her what she thinks would help, and try to help her do it. I doubt cracking down on her will help - probably only push her away more. You don't sound very supportive (or your support is misplaced).
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2013 06:36     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I made mistakes by not holding her more accountable during the school year. The problem is she has been coasting this year. Other than her foreign language classes, she hardly ever studies for tests and manages to get A's in math and science(her strong subjects), and B's in everything else. The problem has been not turning in HW or doing projects and she gest F's and now she has enough where all A grades are now B's and B's are now C's. If she bombs finals, hopefully they don't count so much where she will fail the course for the year. The summer job helping me financially, I just meant for her school clothes and summer extra fun. Not to pay any household bills. She very much know how strongly I feel about her grades and digs her heels in and thinks she is hurting me by not performing. Anyway, I will tell her that electronics are off during study time and we will go from there. Thanks!


I'm the PP who said you can't win a power struggle and thats exactly what it sounds like. Her grades sound fine, actually. But the dynamic you've created over them sounds unhealthy.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 23:06     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
OP here. Yes, I made mistakes by not holding her more accountable during the school year. The problem is she has been coasting this year. Other than her foreign language classes, she hardly ever studies for tests and manages to get A's in math and science(her strong subjects), and B's in everything else. The problem has been not turning in HW or doing projects and she gest F's and now she has enough where all A grades are now B's and B's are now C's. If she bombs finals, hopefully they don't count so much where she will fail the course for the year. The summer job helping me financially, I just meant for her school clothes and summer extra fun. Not to pay any household bills. She very much know how strongly I feel about her grades and digs her heels in and thinks she is hurting me by not performing. Anyway, I will tell her that electronics are off during study time and we will go from there. Thanks!
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 21:53     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
I would ask her what she thinks she can do to solve the problem. She's old enough to know! Then have her implement it.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 21:49     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:DD 9th grade has not been working to her fullest potential this school year. Currently her GPA has dipped under a 3.0 (this has NEVER happened before). I want to give her fair warning that if she receives anything lower than a B (80) on any final exam then there will be some sort of consequence. The problem is I just don't know what to do. Our summer is pretty much mapped out with planned/paid for International travel and her summer job (DC summer jobs program, which I need for her to do because it will help me financially). I don't want to be too harsh but I need her to understand that I am disappointed in her performance this school year (I've already said it), and I need her to finish strong. Rather than waiting for the grades should I say that from now until finals I expect her to devote all her time to studying and take away all electronics? If I know that she really studied and put the time in then it would be harder for me to punish for a grade less than a B (which she is more than capable of getting). Advice welcomed. TIA!!


Wow, will your kid even be old enough to work in the summer without a work permit? That's a big burden to put on such a young child. I can understand working for minimum wage for something to do or to make spending money in the summer but to have your parent counting on you making income to contribute to the household is stressful for a kid. Is she working now? Maybe you need to take a better look at what other outside obligations you are pushing on her that make her unable to concentrate o
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 21:33     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:In our house, the punishment is always tied to the effort. Then the grades are what they are. My kid would be grounded immediately, and remain grounded until those grades start looking more reasonable and the work effort increased.

Not the answer you were looking for, but that's what we do here.


(so that we're clear, when I say "grades look more reasonable" I mean assignments complete, neat, on-time and done in a thoughtful manner. I'm assuming some of the low grades you are seeing is driven by shoddy work. If the problem really isn't effort related, then my question to you is "where have you been all year while your daughter was struggling?")
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 21:30     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Anonymous wrote:Maybe twenty minutes of study three days a week all summer?


that's not even close to sufficient, given that she probably should be repeating at least one class in summer school. Plus the lesson shouldn't be that studying is punishment.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 21:29     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
In our house, the punishment is always tied to the effort. Then the grades are what they are. My kid would be grounded immediately, and remain grounded until those grades start looking more reasonable and the work effort increased.

Not the answer you were looking for, but that's what we do here.
Anonymous
Post 05/16/2013 19:35     Subject: Appropriate "punishment" if DD bombs finals
Why don't you investigate the cause of the lower grades instead?