Anonymous
05/17/2013 18:40
Subject: know-it-all parents
This was us with MIL last week.
She came over for dinner and DH wasnt feeling well.
MIL: what did you eat today?
DH: A wrap
MIL: Wraps are always old. they like to hide the old food in wraps. they also sit out all day.
DH: It was a freshly made wrap.
MIL: I am sure it was still old. Drink some coco cola
DH: No thanks
MIL: drink it, the syrup will help
DH: I dont want any
(repeat the coca cola argument about 10 more times)
Me: He is 33 yrs old and if he doesnt want coke, just let it go.
MIL (to me): dont yell at me, but do you have cocacola? Where do you keep it? (she knows where the soda is and could easily get it herself)
Me: <silence>
2 mins later, MIL is holding a coke and puts it in DH's face. He takes a sip. 2 mins after that, DH does to throw up.
MIL: see, the coca cola really got things moving.
Meanwhile, the kids keep asking - Daddy, did you have a bad wrap? Did the wrap make you sick? You shouldnt eat wraps.
And then she wonders why I didnt tell her when I had to go to the hospital during my pregnancy.
She came over for dinner and DH wasnt feeling well.
MIL: what did you eat today?
DH: A wrap
MIL: Wraps are always old. they like to hide the old food in wraps. they also sit out all day.
DH: It was a freshly made wrap.
MIL: I am sure it was still old. Drink some coco cola
DH: No thanks
MIL: drink it, the syrup will help
DH: I dont want any
(repeat the coca cola argument about 10 more times)
Me: He is 33 yrs old and if he doesnt want coke, just let it go.
MIL (to me): dont yell at me, but do you have cocacola? Where do you keep it? (she knows where the soda is and could easily get it herself)
Me: <silence>
2 mins later, MIL is holding a coke and puts it in DH's face. He takes a sip. 2 mins after that, DH does to throw up.
MIL: see, the coca cola really got things moving.
Meanwhile, the kids keep asking - Daddy, did you have a bad wrap? Did the wrap make you sick? You shouldnt eat wraps.
And then she wonders why I didnt tell her when I had to go to the hospital during my pregnancy.
Anonymous
05/16/2013 23:10
Subject: know-it-all parents
Booze
Anonymous
05/16/2013 22:56
Subject: know-it-all parents
Anonymous wrote:For as long as I can remember, my parents have always been very difficult, know-it-all types. If any of their children disagree with them or decide to take a route they do not favor, they will pretty much browbeat their kids until their kids see things their way. A typical conversation goes like this:
Me: I’m buying a new computer.
Parents: What’s wrong with the one you have?
Me: It’s slow and outdated.
Parents: XXX’s son works for Best Buy. He can get you a good deal on a PC.
Me: I’m looking to get a Mac.
Parents: We’d never buy one of those. Too expensive. Get a PC. They’re good machines. I’ll talk to XXX tomorrow.
Me: I don’t want a PC. It doesn’t meet my needs.
Parents (faces scrunched up in disgust): You’re gonna throw money out the window. You know nothing about buying computers. Don’t waste your money. Don’t be stupid. We can help you on this if you need. We’ll pay half…
Me: I don’t need your money.
Parents: It’s a gift…
This weekend, they’re coming to visit us. They’ve been visiting more since we had our baby and usually every visit culminates in some kind of intrusion and criticism. There was the accusation that our infant car seat in my father’s words is a piece of crap and we should have asked him for advice. There was a whole to-do over the car we chose to buy (why oh why did you buy something used!? We would have helped you buy a brand NEW car for the baby!!) And now, our decision to buy a house is forefront in their minds. No matter what we say, it’s wrong. We want a condo, they think that’s not good enough and that we should invest in a “real” stand-alone home like they have and like what I grew up in.
Honestly, I don’t think DH likes these people. He’s never said so, and he’s tolerated them with as much politeness and graciousness. We have a policy of basically he handles his parents and I handle mine. I’ve told them time and time again that we will make whatever decisions we need to make as a couple and will seek out their thoughts if we feel we need to, but please stop offering unsolicited advice. At this point, I want to reduce contact but I know they love the baby. I just wish they’d leave us alone to make our own choices and shut the hell up already.
OP, you don't mention money in your description of the issue, but the examples you gave are all about money. What's really going on? Did you come from a wealthy background and marry someone of lesser means?
Anonymous
05/16/2013 22:49
Subject: know-it-all parents
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever told them as much?
Another option is to respond in a way that shuts them down.
Parents: Why did you buy that POS used car?
You: We're happy with our decision. What would you like for dinner?
Parents: You should be buying a house at your age.
You: We're happy with our decision on where we live. What would you like for dinner?
Repeat..
Tried that. Never works. These are people who when they lock on something and want their way, forget it. The roof could cave in and they'd still stay on topic. Based on past experiences, they'd just accuse me of trying to change the subject.
OP, I understand that you've tried the shut-down approach but keep trying(unless you really are OK with the possible lifetime alternative of just cutting them out of your world). You say "they'd just accuse me of trying to change the subject." Great! That's your opening to turn to them, smile a huge smile and say, "Yes! You're right, I am changing the subject because that subject is now closed -- decision made, best one for us. Now, what do you want for dinner?" Or "Whatever happened with that neighbor of yours?" or "How is your dog?" or whatever else you know to ask about them. Repeat. And repeat. They are trying to wear you down; you have to wear them down first. Like young children they need to learn that they do not get the reward of your attention if they do the thing you don't like. Arguing with them, engaging their concerns with any discussion, or scolding them for being, well, jerks, is still giving them attention. So: Shut down with short "we're happy" comment, change topic, listen like crazy and ask follow-ups on their answers so they can't get in another word about YOU as they talk about themselves. Repeat.
It's like dealing with children -- remove attention instantly when behavior is bad, and/or distract and redirect.
Isn't it ridiculous to have to deal with adults in that way?!
Anonymous
05/16/2013 11:07
Subject: know-it-all parents
2331++ I have a relative like this, not a parent but someone who is a nice person but also dying to give advice on everything in life. The Downey quote is exactly what I do.
When my relative says I should do blah blah blah, or call blah blah or not drive a few blocks to blah blah because dinner's gonna be in an hour or shouldn't go outside because it's raining (or whatever silly thing comes up) I smile and nod and say little. She might repeat "I'm just saying...because..(blah blah)" I smile and nod or say uh-huh. And change the subject. And do as I please.
When my relative says I should do blah blah blah, or call blah blah or not drive a few blocks to blah blah because dinner's gonna be in an hour or shouldn't go outside because it's raining (or whatever silly thing comes up) I smile and nod and say little. She might repeat "I'm just saying...because..(blah blah)" I smile and nod or say uh-huh. And change the subject. And do as I please.
Anonymous
05/16/2013 00:51
Subject: Re:know-it-all parents
The problem isn't that they're know-it-alls, it seems -- it's that they're intrusive and don't respect boundaries. Maybe just say "I appreciate your advice, but we've already decided what we're doing."
Anonymous
05/15/2013 23:31
Subject: know-it-all parents
Do this:
Anonymous
05/15/2013 20:35
Subject: know-it-all parents
I get why you're annoyed, OP, but at the same time ... I wish to God my parents would offer to help pay for things once in a while.
Anonymous
05/15/2013 19:28
Subject: know-it-all parents
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever told them as much?
Another option is to respond in a way that shuts them down.
Parents: Why did you buy that POS used car?
You: We're happy with our decision. What would you like for dinner?
Parents: You should be buying a house at your age.
You: We're happy with our decision on where we live. What would you like for dinner?
Repeat..
Tried that. Never works. These are people who when they lock on something and want their way, forget it. The roof could cave in and they'd still stay on topic. Based on past experiences, they'd just accuse me of trying to change the subject.
You could say, "Mom, I'm not discussing this." She can discuss all she wants, but you don't have to just because she wants to. Good luck, OP.
Anonymous
05/15/2013 15:25
Subject: know-it-all parents
My mom is similar to OP's parents. Every decision I make is wrong if I don't make the choice she would have made. Usually this is accompanied by a long lecture of exactly why she thinks I've made a horrible choice that will ruin everything. My way of dealing with this only worked after months of consistently doing it.
When she goes into hypercritical mode, I just say, Mom, I've made my choice and I'm comfortable with it. You've voiced your reasons for not liking it and I disagree. We don't need to talk about this again, it will just cause an argument. If she starts up again I tell her that I'm done talking about it because she only has negative things to say, and that we can talk about something else or I will leave/hang up/etc. If I said I would leave/hang up, etc., I followed through. She rolls her eyes and gets huffy but the endless criticism has definitely decreased.
When she goes into hypercritical mode, I just say, Mom, I've made my choice and I'm comfortable with it. You've voiced your reasons for not liking it and I disagree. We don't need to talk about this again, it will just cause an argument. If she starts up again I tell her that I'm done talking about it because she only has negative things to say, and that we can talk about something else or I will leave/hang up/etc. If I said I would leave/hang up, etc., I followed through. She rolls her eyes and gets huffy but the endless criticism has definitely decreased.
Anonymous
05/15/2013 14:14
Subject: know-it-all parents
PP, you could be me!
And you're right. They are never going to change. I just say "hmm-mm" and try to change the subject, or leave or hang up under some pretext or other.
OP, definitely limit contact, otherwise you will blow up one day and then they will really have grist to their mill
And you're right. They are never going to change. I just say "hmm-mm" and try to change the subject, or leave or hang up under some pretext or other.
OP, definitely limit contact, otherwise you will blow up one day and then they will really have grist to their mill
Anonymous
05/15/2013 14:11
Subject: know-it-all parents
OP, my mom is not nearly as bad, but I try to avoid telling her things that I know are going to invoke her judgement or over-the-top-worrying. Fortunately, she likes to talk about herself and her grandbaby, so it's relatively easy to manage the conversation.
Anonymous
05/15/2013 14:06
Subject: know-it-all parents
Trust me OP I understand. I also don't understand why people think everyone can just have the "talk" and it is that easy or over.
My problem is with my parents. I will always be their little girl and that is it. AND NO I am not going to give my parents an ultimatum to stop it or I am out of the family.
What I do is - except the reality I am in and learn to live in the way that makes me happy.
I don't tell them I am going to buy a computer. I tell them I just bought a computer. I hear the message of how they knew better how to do it, thank them and tell them how satisfied I am with my decision.
When I bought my condo (30 years after their last home purchase) the price for a one bedroom was the same as their big house. Their argument that I paid to much was acknowledged and I asked if they wanted to come see the place. They were happy to see me happy.
It never stops and as they have gotten older in my dad it is starting to look like Alzheimer and I just keep letting it roll.
My problem is with my parents. I will always be their little girl and that is it. AND NO I am not going to give my parents an ultimatum to stop it or I am out of the family.
What I do is - except the reality I am in and learn to live in the way that makes me happy.
I don't tell them I am going to buy a computer. I tell them I just bought a computer. I hear the message of how they knew better how to do it, thank them and tell them how satisfied I am with my decision.
When I bought my condo (30 years after their last home purchase) the price for a one bedroom was the same as their big house. Their argument that I paid to much was acknowledged and I asked if they wanted to come see the place. They were happy to see me happy.
It never stops and as they have gotten older in my dad it is starting to look like Alzheimer and I just keep letting it roll.