I would get a internet connection separate or tether it to the phone so grandma does not have to. Talk to your daughter and tell her she can live without organic food and to please go out and buy food, toilet paper, laundry detergent, paper towels, etc. Or, order it online from a grocery store, which is what we do for my MIL and have it delivered to the house.

I like the grocery store gift card idea. Thank you, PP.

I'm 22. I understand that maybe my generation has a bad reputation, but I ask you all not to judge individuals by our reputation as a group. Most of the people that I know aged 18-25 are hard workers who try to be as responsible as they can with what little money they're able to earn in this frustrating cycle of unpaid internships. And we are also all eternally grateful to our families for helping us out.

OP- Your daughter sounds pretty responsible (saving money for a car, and even the act of applying and getting the internship take a lot of planning and maturity) perhaps give your daughter a few grocery store gift cards so that the money will definitely go towards food and other necessities and will hopefully keep her from being a burden on her grandma.

Many of you sound really harsh to me. Let the daughter and grandmother work out the details and step aside. If you want to slip grandma some $$$ -- do that by sending food, pay for her trips whatever. Your daughter is not as bad as you make her out to be. I think, like an earlier poster said, that grandma is probably happy that a 20 year old wants to life with her. Grandma might get more out of this than you can imagine.

Anonymous wrote:Grown grandchild can have her own relationship with Grandma without parents stepping in. Grandma is probably honored that a 20-year-old wants to live with her, and it's ok for a grandmother to treat her grandchild sometimes. 20 year old might be trained in courtesy: call if you're out late so Grandma won't worry, clean your own dishes, help around the house, put out the garbage. But with internship responsibilities and living in a new city, there will be enough growing up going on without artificially imposed rules or curfews. It could be a wonderful bonding opportunity for both generations.

OP already said curfews were not her issue, but more the financial burden.
My MIL is unable to say "no" to her grandchildren and will go into debt to give them things. She will not pick up her medication so she has $$ to take her 20+ year old grandchildren out for Starbucks. We are working to "educate" the grandchildren about the full situation, but it is a slippery slope b/c it embarrasses and upsets MIL.

Another thing to consider, MIL will also willingly buy alcohol for her 18 year old grandchildren. Although they drink it at her home, she goes to bed and they go out afterwards. We have again tried to discuss the risks of this with both MIL and grandchildren, but often to deaf ears.

I do not think OP is helicoptering, just trying to think things through and help ensure it is a relationship building, positive summer experience for everyone that doesn't have negative long term implications.

I am OP.
I'm not worried about curfew or chores. Thought that I said that already. My worry is the financial burden on my mom. She was a public school librarian in a poor school district and has a very limited retirement income. She refuses any help from us and said she wouldn't take rent for DD (DH and I offered to split the cost with DD who has $1000 HS summer job money saved up toward a post-college car).

DD is not spoiled, but she does lack a sense of the true cost of things (vs. the price tag). She has a full ride to a modest college due to her academic excellence. It includes a small stipend that she uses for the cell phone and for small incidentals. I know that she refers to herself as "poor" because she is a college student and this will be an unpaid internship. She does not see my mom as poor because she owns a home, car, and always slips the grandkids a $20.

I agree with the PP who says that unpaid internships are wrong. I completely agree! Offices, companies, organizations should not be able to exploit these young people. It either forces the intern to mooch in the way the OP describes or, worse, it enables only the rich young adults to gain the valuable work experience necessary to build a career. Entirely unfair to those without somewhere to live rent-free, etc. Some of us need to be paid for our work and that should be supported.

If you're that concerned you should send money to supplement your daughter's stay there.

How old is your mother? Just curious. When I was 20 my grandmas were 87 and 88.

Grown grandchild can have her own relationship with Grandma without parents stepping in. Grandma is probably honored that a 20-year-old wants to live with her, and it's ok for a grandmother to treat her grandchild sometimes. 20 year old might be trained in courtesy: call if you're out late so Grandma won't worry, clean your own dishes, help around the house, put out the garbage. But with internship responsibilities and living in a new city, there will be enough growing up going on without artificially imposed rules or curfews. It could be a wonderful bonding opportunity for both generations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a 20 yr old? You're kidding, right?

Americans infantalise young adulthood.

I completely agree. A 20 year old should be more than able to figure out how to respectfully live in her grandmothers home and to police herself. It is sad to see adults still so immature and irresponsible - not their fault, they haven't been given the opportunity to grow up, hence the stunted development. A parent show not be involved in arranging any of a 20 yr olds affairs.

NP, here. You don't have a 20 year old do you? And 20 year olds in America have absolutely no structure in their lives, generally. They can get led down very dangerous paths of behavior without the maturity to judge what they are doing--in whatever "country" you are from, there is probably more or less an agreed to set of cultural and societal guidelines for living. In America, all bets are off--many year olds 20 aren't mature enough to handle the temptations and freedom of life yet. I think Americans are re-thinking all the "freedom" we give kids before they are 21--we need to re-evaluate what kids can really rationally handle--because let's face it, when things go horribly wrong they come running to their parents. They ALL do, no matter how mature the law says they are.

I guess I am confused especially with the "no coddling" talk.

While I think that the OP is overboard, seems to me that a lot of her angst is that she does not want Grandma to get taken advantage of or somehow put out by DD. Seems that she is not coddling DD per se, but protecting Grandma.

Am I reading it wrong?

Poor you. When my son was 20, he was serving his we one tour in Iraq. My daughter was stationed on the other side of the continent.

Stop coddling your kids and let them grow up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a 20 yr old? You're kidding, right?

Americans infantalise young adulthood.

I completely agree. A 20 year old should be more than able to figure out how to respectfully live in her grandmothers home and to police herself. It is sad to see adults still so immature and irresponsible - not their fault, they haven't been given the opportunity to grow up, hence the stunted development. A parent show not be involved in arranging any of a 20 yr olds affairs.

I'm the first quoted pp and this was more of my point. A 20 yr old is certainly old enough to know how to be respectful towards his/her host(s); be it parents, grandparents, or someone else. A curfew for an adult (your 20 yr old child is no longer a "kid"!) is a little ridiculous. If she's not going to be at a reasonable hour for some reason, she should have sense to let her grandmother know what time she expects to be home.

Ok, but why does Grandma have to bear the burden of whether the 20 YO has it figured out? It is one thing if the DD is living at home and the parents can fight that battle. It is quite another thing for the DD to be living with a 3rd party relative and taking for granted that she can do the "right" thing.

I agree that a "curfew" may be a little much. But I see nothing wrong with the parents talking to DD about expectations of living with Grandma and that stuff the parents would tolerate under their roof should be a no-go at Grandma's.

I am against helicopter parenting more than most - but having first hand experience on how difficult it is for a liveaway 20YO college student to transition back into the family home- I know that 20YO sometimes need strong coaching. Being 20YO does not automatically make them mature responsible adults.

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. If you are concerned about it, talk to your daughter about the fact that grandma has a fixed income and how to be sensitive to that--chipping in for groceries, etc. But you can't set rules for an adult who isn't living in your house.

I thik this first response is spot on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a 20 yr old? You're kidding, right?

Americans infantalise young adulthood.

I completely agree. A 20 year old should be more than able to figure out how to respectfully live in her grandmothers home and to police herself. It is sad to see adults still so immature and irresponsible - not their fault, they haven't been given the opportunity to grow up, hence the stunted development. A parent show not be involved in arranging any of a 20 yr olds affairs.

I'm the first quoted pp and this was more of my point. A 20 yr old is certainly old enough to know how to be respectful towards his/her host(s); be it parents, grandparents, or someone else. A curfew for an adult (your 20 yr old child is no longer a "kid"!) is a little ridiculous. If she's not going to be at a reasonable hour for some reason, she should have sense to let her grandmother know what time she expects to be home.

You clearly don't live with a 20 something--unless it's your DH or BFFs.