Anonymous
05/11/2013 15:55
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Anonymous wrote:My house has no clutter but according to you I need therapy. I have 3 cats and yes, there is hair around. They jump on counters occasionally and every now and then a piece of car food drops on the floor. My kids are healthy and just this morning my 3 year old said, "I love you, [cat]!" While giving her a gentle hug.
I think you are overreacting. Stay in a hotel and visit during the day.
I'm not OP, but this does sound pretty nasty. All that cat litter and cats urinating and defecating inside the house, then waking in it and walking on the furniture? Horrid, to say nothing of the cat hair.
Anonymous
05/11/2013 11:41
Subject: Re:Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Anonymous wrote:Before we had kids, we used to spend holidays alternating between my family and my ILs. After we had kids, we no longer travelled for the holidays, Everyone understood that things change after you have kids. There's no way I'd put up with the conditions you're talking about - my mom has hoarding tendancies but at least hers is organized and there aren't any animals.
OP again- this is exactly what we used to do - alternate between our parents' homes. I'm glad to hear that we're not being unreasonable expecting things to change now that we're starting a family. I wish that counseling was an option but any time you mention it, or helping my mom clean or anything at all, she simply shuts down. Oh, and re: PP comments about smoking: my dad smokes too so there's also that to contend with! Last Christmas we had a choice between a bedroom that smelled of cat urine or a bedroom that reeked of secondhand smoke where my dad would use the computer. I believe we left around 5am the next morning. Miserable. I appreciate all of the comments and feedback. It's reassuring to know that we are not the ones being unreasonable here in our expectations.
I just want to say that your DH must be pretty awesome and supportive. I drew the line years ago as my MIL is a hoarder and SIL/BIL's house is gross - full of fish, turtles, ferrets, hamsters, cats, and dogs. We get a hotel room in town and the nieces come over to swim in the indoor pool. Daytime visiting in the inlaws' houses work for us - but no overnights ever again.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 23:40
Subject: Re:Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have thought about a hotel, of course, but for the holidays? I'm planning at this point just to have the holidays at my house and if they want to come, great. We've always gone to their place for the holidays before (when we're not at DH's parents who live in another state). I know this is going to be a source of tension and that they will likely refuse to come spend the holidays with us, but I refuse to spend the holidays in a hotel!
Totally do the holidays at your house. You have 1, soon 2 kids. Why on earth should you go to them anyway - the filth is even more of a reason to have all gatherings at your place. period.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 23:14
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
They probably are unable to deal with their own home, and are offended that you opened up the door and spoke openly about the 50000 lb monster in the closet. It sounds like they are perfectly content to just pretend like you never opened the door, and they want you all to pretend like the monster isn't there.
You are in control here. Either join them in la-la land or behave like a sane, rational person. You know what you said, they know what you said. Nothing has changed. When you have the baby, you are not bringing the baby to their house while it is in that condition. When you visit them, stay at a hotel. If you can't afford that, don't visit. Let them know they are welcome in your home. Maybe do some visits where you meet half way between both homes.
You are in control here. Either join them in la-la land or behave like a sane, rational person. You know what you said, they know what you said. Nothing has changed. When you have the baby, you are not bringing the baby to their house while it is in that condition. When you visit them, stay at a hotel. If you can't afford that, don't visit. Let them know they are welcome in your home. Maybe do some visits where you meet half way between both homes.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 21:47
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Anonymous wrote:My house has no clutter but according to you I need therapy. I have 3 cats and yes, there is hair around. They jump on counters occasionally and every now and then a piece of car food drops on the floor. My kids are healthy and just this morning my 3 year old said, "I love you, [cat]!" While giving her a gentle hug.
I think you are overreacting. Stay in a hotel and visit during the day.
You are ridiculous. OP's parents have 5 cats and 5 dogs AND DON'T CLEAN. The place is filthy and her father smokes. Geez, learn to read.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 14:44
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Are we sisters? The way I handle it is to say "You live in Cocoa County. We're going to come visit and will get a room at Cocoa County Hotel. We can't wait to see you for dinner each night - there's a restaurant both in the hotel and another right across the street."
When my mother says "why don't you just come to the house?" I say, "We talked about this, remember? We're not going into the house while it's still in the same condition. So, did you and Dad want to meet us at Cocoa Cafe at 7?"
When my mother says "why don't you just come to the house?" I say, "We talked about this, remember? We're not going into the house while it's still in the same condition. So, did you and Dad want to meet us at Cocoa Cafe at 7?"
Anonymous
05/10/2013 11:09
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
My house has no clutter but according to you I need therapy. I have 3 cats and yes, there is hair around. They jump on counters occasionally and every now and then a piece of car food drops on the floor. My kids are healthy and just this morning my 3 year old said, "I love you, [cat]!" While giving her a gentle hug.
I think you are overreacting. Stay in a hotel and visit during the day.
I think you are overreacting. Stay in a hotel and visit during the day.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 10:57
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
call the police on your parents I am sure the dogs are not being cared for and will attack people.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 10:54
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
My parents are just like yours. I am moving away and will be starting my family far away. They will be welcome to come visit, but if we go home, we will be staying in a hotel. I couldn't handle it when I moved out in high school and I won't be letting my child go into that. I know if I stayed in their city, they would want to babysit and keep DC on the weekends, and I couldn't do that.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 10:53
Subject: Re:Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Before we had kids, we used to spend holidays alternating between my family and my ILs. After we had kids, we no longer travelled for the holidays, Everyone understood that things change after you have kids. There's no way I'd put up with the conditions you're talking about - my mom has hoarding tendancies but at least hers is organized and there aren't any animals.
OP again- this is exactly what we used to do - alternate between our parents' homes. I'm glad to hear that we're not being unreasonable expecting things to change now that we're starting a family. I wish that counseling was an option but any time you mention it, or helping my mom clean or anything at all, she simply shuts down. Oh, and re: PP comments about smoking: my dad smokes too so there's also that to contend with! Last Christmas we had a choice between a bedroom that smelled of cat urine or a bedroom that reeked of secondhand smoke where my dad would use the computer. I believe we left around 5am the next morning. Miserable. I appreciate all of the comments and feedback. It's reassuring to know that we are not the ones being unreasonable here in our expectations.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 09:24
Subject: Re:Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
No connection to hoarding, but my FIL was a smoker. When we had our oldest, I said that we would no longer visit their home for the holidays. We could stay in a hotel near them and celebrate there. Or, they could come to us. The first three years, we lived in a tiny condo, so we rented a suite at a hotel in their city. They came over every day. We either hung out there or made day trips in the area. When we had #2 and moved into a SFH, they came to us.
Hotel christmases are actually very nice. You could never replicate that level of decoration at home and I didn't have to cook or clean up brunch.
After my FIL died, DH and I paid to have all of the carpets and upholstery in his parent's home cleaned. The smell of smoke still lingered. It was not until my MIL moved into senior living that we were able to visit without worrying about residual second hand smoke. By then, everyone was already used to us hosting so we just paid for her plane tickets until she too passed away.
Hotel christmases are actually very nice. You could never replicate that level of decoration at home and I didn't have to cook or clean up brunch.
After my FIL died, DH and I paid to have all of the carpets and upholstery in his parent's home cleaned. The smell of smoke still lingered. It was not until my MIL moved into senior living that we were able to visit without worrying about residual second hand smoke. By then, everyone was already used to us hosting so we just paid for her plane tickets until she too passed away.
Anonymous
05/10/2013 08:59
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
OP, I have hoarders in my family, luckily not my parents, but it is rough and there is little you can do. I imagine you have done some research, and I think I would at least check out the rules about animals for their state/county/town.
What you need to do is sit down with your husband and perhaps a counselor and figure out what you are and aren't willing to do. For instance...
You might not be willing to: ever bring your child into the house in its current condition, visit as frequently as you have, celebrate the holidays in your parents' hometown.
You might be willing to: support your parents in researching treatment options, encourage them in treatment and attend a session with a counselor on your next visit, help them clean for a weekend once you're able to leave the baby at home with his/her father, visit 1-2 times per year and stay in a hotel and visit there and other places, pay for your parents to come to you for a regular visit or the holidays.
One or both of your parents has an illness, an untreated illness that they won't acknowledge. You are making some accommodations because they're sick, but you have to draw some boundaries because they won't seek treatment for it.
And then you have to worry about your own mental health, as these things run in families. For that alone, it might be worth some time with a counselor.
What you need to do is sit down with your husband and perhaps a counselor and figure out what you are and aren't willing to do. For instance...
You might not be willing to: ever bring your child into the house in its current condition, visit as frequently as you have, celebrate the holidays in your parents' hometown.
You might be willing to: support your parents in researching treatment options, encourage them in treatment and attend a session with a counselor on your next visit, help them clean for a weekend once you're able to leave the baby at home with his/her father, visit 1-2 times per year and stay in a hotel and visit there and other places, pay for your parents to come to you for a regular visit or the holidays.
One or both of your parents has an illness, an untreated illness that they won't acknowledge. You are making some accommodations because they're sick, but you have to draw some boundaries because they won't seek treatment for it.
And then you have to worry about your own mental health, as these things run in families. For that alone, it might be worth some time with a counselor.
Anonymous
05/09/2013 20:50
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
My mom is a hoarder, and my SIL in the same town is just kind of a really filthy person (terrible housekeeper) so DH and I gave up staying with them over xmas a few years ago. One year, they came to our place and it was awesome, but they are both offended that we don't stay with them. Too bad. Now that I'm pregnant, there is no way we will ever sleep there again.
I am not unkind to my mom. I've cleaned her place too many times to count, only to have it be a hovel again in weeks. I just say, "Mom, we can't stay at your place." She knows why. There's no debate.
I am not unkind to my mom. I've cleaned her place too many times to count, only to have it be a hovel again in weeks. I just say, "Mom, we can't stay at your place." She knows why. There's no debate.
Anonymous
05/09/2013 20:28
Subject: Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Your parents house is not only unhealthy for your baby, but everyone else inside. The air quality is probably very poor and the bacteria count high. Stay at a hotel and meet your relatives somewhere else besides your parent's house.
Anonymous
05/09/2013 20:23
Subject: Re:Hoarding parents, unclean house, newborn on the way
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I have thought about a hotel, of course, but for the holidays? I'm planning at this point just to have the holidays at my house and if they want to come, great. We've always gone to their place for the holidays before (when we're not at DH's parents who live in another state). I know this is going to be a source of tension and that they will likely refuse to come spend the holidays with us, but I refuse to spend the holidays in a hotel!
Before we had kids, we used to spend holidays alternating between my family and my ILs. After we had kids, we no longer travelled for the holidays, Everyone understood that things change after you have kids. There's no way I'd put up with the conditions you're talking about - my mom has hoarding tendancies but at least hers is organized and there aren't any animals.