OP,
Until my grandmother's death, I always acknowledged her on Mother's Day. Because she was an important maternal influence in my life. She lived accross the country, but always made the effort to be present and involved.

As for gift or card, if your dad thinks his wife needs flowers, tell him to buy them himself. Someone telling me how to gift give properly would not fly with me. I would be giving a card with a genuine expression of gratitude for her presence in the lives of my kids.

Anonymous wrote:You will discover as your life goes on that sometimes "family" is not the cut and dry representation you've been taught to believe. There are deaths and divorces, drugged up relatives, abusive relatives, cross country moves, etc. You should never exclude someone who actively participates in yours or your child's lives.

My mother died 22 years ago. My aunt is my Momma. She didn't give birth to me, but I certainly send her a card, tell her how much she means to me, etc. My father remarried and I resisted the Stepmom relationship for years. We get along well though, so I send her a card as well to make her feel included. Her mother acted as a grandmother and I also send her a card.

When I moved away from my family, I built a new one. My "brothers" are a bunch of guys who looked out for me. My "sisters" are the couple girls I could actually get along with. I am their children's "Aunt." I have aunts and uncles that are my parents best friends from childhood as well.

Think about this quote:
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."

Just because she isn't your mom, doesn't mean she can't be grandma to your kids. She clearly loves them and does good things for them. It would be a shame for your children to lose someone like that because you can't get over sending her a card to make her feel welcome in the family.

OP here... Again, I think you misunderstand my question. I've bolded the parts that I think don't apply to me. I never said she wasn't a grandma to my kids - she is absolutely a grandma - my question is - does grandma get a mother's day gift (in our situation, my dad would give me a hard time if it's just a card - need to give flowers or something too).

Anyway, you all are right - better to err on the side of kindness; it isn't a big deal to give her something and it would be much more hurtful to stop now - and I really don't want to be hurtful - but seriously, it really does feel weird sending this woman something on mother's day.

You will discover as your life goes on that sometimes "family" is not the cut and dry representation you've been taught to believe. There are deaths and divorces, drugged up relatives, abusive relatives, cross country moves, etc. You should never exclude someone who actively participates in yours or your child's lives.

My mother died 22 years ago. My aunt is my Momma. She didn't give birth to me, but I certainly send her a card, tell her how much she means to me, etc. My father remarried and I resisted the Stepmom relationship for years. We get along well though, so I send her a card as well to make her feel included. Her mother acted as a grandmother and I also send her a card.

When I moved away from my family, I built a new one. My "brothers" are a bunch of guys who looked out for me. My "sisters" are the couple girls I could actually get along with. I am their children's "Aunt." I have aunts and uncles that are my parents best friends from childhood as well.

Think about this quote:
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."

Just because she isn't your mom, doesn't mean she can't be grandma to your kids. She clearly loves them and does good things for them. It would be a shame for your children to lose someone like that because you can't get over sending her a card to make her feel welcome in the family.

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the same boat. Step-mother. Every Mother's Day we shower her with gifts and celebrate mother's day even though she has never been pregnant in her life. Has she ever once given me - the only offspring to have grandchildren via c-section - even a card? I'm the only "mother" in the entire family. But we will continue the charade.

What does the c-section have to do with anything? Are you saying that somehow sets you apart from offspring who gave birth vaginally?

I understand why you feel like you shouldn't *have* to give her anything. You don't. But given the precedent set, I think you should just continue giving a card and or flowers. Why potentially trigger drama when you can ward it off?

Set a good example for your kids - you get a card and little gift for her, especially given how she treats your children. It wouldn't occur to me not to do something.

Anonymous wrote:Always err on the side of kindness.

Absolutely!

What does it cost you, OP, to be kind to this woman who, by your own admission, is a nice person who simply wants to love your child as a grandchild? Would you rather have warmth and inclusion or coldness and hostility in your family? What do you gain by excluding her? How will that work for you and your child?

I understand how you feel OP she's the only grandparent who's gets something for mothers or fathers day. I'm pregnant with my dad's first grandkid and my stepmom hates me so it's creating some akward situations. I thought dealing with step parents was confusing enough!

OP here. Thanks for all the responses. To answer some questions (or assumptions) I am in no way - not one iota - discounting her role as grandmother to my kids. SHe is more of a grandmother than my own mother - and I love her dearly for it. I was only asking about the sending a grandmother (with no "mom" connection) a mother's day card (or wait till grandparent's day). Seriously, everyone who assumed that I am not recognizing her place in our family because of biology is misunderstanding. I was just wigging out about the mother's day to grandma thing (remember, we never send any grandparents a happy mothers/fathers day card from the kids).

SOmeone asked if she's a mother-figure to me. this made me laugh....but only because she's around my age so, no...more like a sister (yep - my gross dad married a woman his daughter's age).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I get your position and your brother's position, but I would have nixed the acting like a grandmother thing in the bud from the beginning.

Yikes. Why? Visceral dislike of step-persons or something else?

Because she is essentially a stranger and the whole "more [random] people to love my kids the better!" nonsense is a recipe for disaster.

Plus, you then have the father who thinks he make big power plays about his wife getting to live out her failed mommy fantasies on my kids. No thanks.

Seriously OP?
What is there to think about?
According to you this woman is more of a grandma then YOUR OWN MOTHER!
Your kids love her and she is great with them.
Who cares about the biological relationship - it is the real world relationship that trumps all.
There is nothing in your post that suggests she is trying to replace your own mother -- so what is the problem?
I say this as someone whose mother remarried when i was in my 30's.
My MIL married DH's stepdad when he was an adult...both of these people are considered as grandparents to our DC.
Show the lady the love and respect she has shown your kids and get her a happy mother's day grandma card from the kids...really how can this hurt you.
It's not doing that will damage this relationship.
For what it is worth -- your brother is TRIPPIN' and needs to grow up.

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I get your position and your brother's position, but I would have nixed the acting like a grandmother thing in the bud from the beginning.

Yikes. Why? Visceral dislike of step-persons or something else?

Eh, I get your position and your brother's position, but I would have nixed the acting like a grandmother thing in the bud from the beginning.

12:50's scenario sounds different. In your case, if this woman is technically your stepmother who is serving as a good grandmother to your children, I think it would be meaningful to her if she got a card from your kids. Agree that it doesn't need to be one from you and your DH.

FWIW, my adult DSS sends me a mother's day card every year and sometimes flowers if he remembers in time. And, if I remember in time, I send a card to my godmother.

Sometimes Hallmark holidays are annoying, but sometimes they can simply be an excuse to let someone in your life know that you appreciate them.

It's not that hard to be nice and may mean a lit to her. As someone who has unexplained fertility andcan't seem to have children through no fault of my own, but works very closely with children on a daily basis, I'd be over the moon if someone acknowledged that motherly role on mothers day.